My Heavenly Father Loves Me

I have a hard time feeling love for myself and love from God on my behalf. But I always feel incredible peace and calm when I go for a walk and see and feel and experience all the beautiful things around me. I love nature and trees and going for a walk.

I've recently met with a therapist and realized that I still have a lot of anger and self-hatred towards myself. The good thing is that I have completely forgiven my ex-husband, but I don't think I've forgiven myself. I thought I was over the whole self-hatred thing, but honestly I'm really not.

Lately I've been praying to be able to feel and recognize Heavenly Father's love for me and to feel love for myself as well.

As many of you know, I love the Children's Primary Songs. Today, our ward choir performed the song, "My Heavenly Father Loves Me". I always thought it was weird/interesting how that's the name of the song even though I always pictured it in my head as "the nature song". After church I came home and was listening to it again and reading the lyrics.


MY HEAVENLY FATHER LOVES ME
Words and Music by Clara W. McMaster, b. 1904

Whenever I hear the song of a bird
Or look at the blue, blue sky,
Whenever I feel the rain on my face
Or the wind as it rushes by,
Whenever I touch a velvet rose
Or walk by a lilac tree,
I'm glad that I live in this beautiful world
Heavenly Father created for me.

He gave me my eyes that I might see
The color of butterfly wings.
He gave me my ears that I might hear
The magical sound of things.
He gave me my life, my mind, my heart:
I thank him reverently
For all his creations, of which I'm a part.
Yes, I know Heavenly Father loves me.

I realized that one reason why I love going on walks so much and enjoying nature and seeing all the beautiful things around me is because it is the way that I personally can feel God's love for me. It's a way that I allow myself to feel loved, even though I didn't recognize that what I was experiencing was God's love. I also like the second verse because it talks about how Heavenly Father gave us physical bodies to experience these things and to feel His love for us.

I also listened to the Primary Song "I Feel My Savior's Love". I've always loved that song and since I've been looking for ways to feel His love for me, I especially noticed the title of the song. I decided to read those lyrics as well to see how I could feel His love. The first verse says, "I feel my Savior's love, in all the world around me. His Spirit warms my soul, through everything I see." I thought it was so awesome because it also talks about feeling His love through looking at the world around you. I also loved in the last verse there's a line that says, "I feel my Savior's love, and know that he will bless me. I offer him my heart, My shepherd he will be."

The line "I offer him my heart" stood out to me so much. I have to offer Heavenly Father my heart so I can feel His love.

I know that Heavenly Father loves me and He wants me to be able to feel that love, but for a lot of complicated reasons, that I don't even really understand, I'm not allowing myself to feel that love. I feel like I don't deserve it. I can feel it more than I used to be able to and I know that I'm making progress, but I still have a ways to go. I'm going to try my hardest to come unto Christ, to apply the atonement in my life, and to "offer him my heart". It's not easy for me, because I guess I have a barrier built up around my heart so I don't get hurt again. But I really will be trying to work on this. Please pray for me that I can be successful in feeling love from God and for myself so I don't have to rely on others to feel like it's okay to love myself.

Food Diary

So, I decided to write about how I was feeling food wise. It helps me to process what I'm feeling by writing it out.

Update:I decided not to do the Food Addicts in Recovery Program. At least not at this point. I feel like it's a little too extreme and does not address what I really want to change. But going to the meeting was really helpful for me to make the decision of what steps to take to make a change. My friend that went with me decided she will be doing the program and continuing going to meetings. I'm glad I could introduce her to it and I hope she will be successful. At least we can still support each other and talk about what we're feeling, knowing that the other person understands.

What I'm doing right now: Meeting with my bishop tonight and telling him what's going on. I'm also going to ask him for a blessing. I'm going to try to not eat sweets/desserts/candy for about two weeks to try to distance myself a little. Whenever I feel the urge to binge or eat sweets and I feel like I can't handle it and I start freaking out, I go on a walk. I get distracted by looking at all the cute houses I would love to live in and by getting endorphins.

How I feel: Like I can't imagine my life without bingeing or eating the things that help me feel calm and good. I don't know how to feel about this. It's supposed to be a good thing but I feel very anxious. I just don't know what I can even get excited about any more. If this is out of my life, I just don't know what I'm going to do to deal.with.life. I feel like overcoming this is impossible but at the same time I know I will be successful if I turn to the Lord and apply the atonement in my life. It will take a miracle and I believe that the Lord will help me as I take it one day at a time. I have to try THE HARDEST that I can possibly try to be successful. And as I do that, the Lord will take care of the rest.

More updates to come as I continue on in this journey of overcoming this addition.

P.S. This morning on the way to work I found TWO four leaf clovers right beside each other. Double the luck! :)

HAPPY MARY'S INDEPENDENCE DAY!!!!!!!!!!!

Today is the 6th anniversary of Mary's Independence Day. 6 years ago today was one of the worst days of my life. (I'm still not sure which day was the worst there are about three or four different days that were AWFUL!) 6 years ago today my marriage ended. My husband left me. It was also the last time that I've seen him. To me it feels like all that happened about 50 years ago. Or to someone else. It doesn't feel real and yet I can't deny that I remember how it felt. And sometimes that still gets to me. On Sunday we had the Stake Conference broadcast and when Elder Scott started talking about pornography addiction and how it can cause some marriages to end, I started crying. It STILL gets to me sometimes even though I wish it didn't. The thing is, I am over what happened and I've forgiven my ex-husband, but sometimes I still remember what happened and how it felt. A little sadness will probably remain my whole life but I'm hoping it will grow smaller and smaller as the years go on and I start a new marriage and a new family.

Well, back in the winter of 2007 marked the first anniversary of when my husband had left me. This time in my life was the absolute worst. (Like thoughts of suicide worst). But I had three amazing roommates at the time. I was back at BYU taking classes. These roommates were so loving and understanding. And even though I hate to remember the person I was at that time, they still loved me. They helped my healing and grieving process along. I mentioned to my roommates that I was really sad because the one year mark was approaching and it was making me think of how awful that day had been. My roommate and one of my most favorite friends ever, Chelsea, said, "don't think of it as the anniversary your husband left you. Think of it as Mary's Independence Day". That statement seriously helped me to change my thinking SO MUCH! Chelsea, reminded me to look at the bright side and the positive side of things.

I decided to throw a party to celebrate my independence day. I sent out Disney Princess invitations. I bought Disney Princess decorations including a little mermaid pinata and crowns for all the girls. (My diamond tiara was the cutest). All my girl friends came over and we watched America's Next Top Model, had a fabulous dance party with girl power music, and ate tons of chocolate all while wearing our princess crowns. Then when it came time to do the pinata, the girls told me to hit it first.... I had a baseball bat I think. I pretended that mermaid pinata was my ex-husband... and let's just say no one else got a turn at hitting it! It was one of the best parties I've ever been to let alone thrown.

Here's a very blurry picture from that night. Unfortunately these are the only ones I have... my face is all blurry but you get the idea.

Another blurry pic of me and Ava...and Johnny Depp...

Here's a fun old pic of Nicole and Chelsea (not from that night). Love them!



I'll always have fond memories of that party. So I can focus on remembering amazing friends and my own strength, instead of remembering that awful day that my husband left. This day every year reminds to me pause and reflect on how much further I've come since the last independence day. I think everyone should have their own independence day or some way to commemorate a day that they overcame something very difficult in their lives. I used to party every February 28th but it's become a normal day except for the time I take to remember and reflect. I'm glad it's become a normal day. :) Although I do try to take some time to do something really nice for myself. Today I got some delicious frozen yogurt. Yum! So in conclusion.....
HERE'S TO MARY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :) Go me!!!

I also listen to this song every year....

The Divinity within Me (hey that rhymes!)

So...my ex-husband got sealed to someone else today, and technically we are still sealed as well. And while that's a little weird if I think about it too much, it's okay. I kept wondering if I would somehow feel different today because of it. But no. I feel just fine. I don't even feel sad. I guess the past two weeks I've really been able to figure out my feelings even more regarding the situation. It's been a hard couple of weeks but now I'm so happy to be feeling good and like it's okay to bury the past completely. And I also realized that by Tyler getting remarried this year, it's forced me to be really honest with myself and to face some painful feelings that I had been trying to keep buried. So even though it's been a hard year, it's been a year full of SO MUCH CHANGE for the better! And in the process of looking deep inside of myself, I've discovered several truths about who I am. (Good things!) Some good things I'm admitting to myself are that I am an amazing person. Also, I am special. Like, really. I really am a special and exceptional person. Yeah, I know just like everyone else... but really. I am. The Lord has a great work in store for me. And I couldn't accomplish it without going through the trials and experiences I've been through. Even if that work is just to help others who may go through the same experience as me, it will be worth it if I can help them along the way. I don't know what I would have done without those women who took me aside and said, "I know how you feel, the same thing happened to me. You're not alone. Things will get better. You did not deserve this. You are a wonderful daughter of God."

I always needed others approval before because I didn't like myself or feel good about myself. So I've needed others permission to feel good about myself. That's why when people have been mean or said mean things about me before, it hurt deeply and I took it to heart. Because I believed it, and they were reinforcing my fears about myself. This week, I wrote a dear friend because I was really confused with how I was feeling and I just knew she would have the answers. She was the one who came and picked me up the night Tyler said he wanted a divorce, she's been with me through this whole journey which I appreciate because not very many people know the whole story like she does. I realized that I didn't need permission from her to feel good about myself, but sometimes it's okay to have good friends remind you of your qualities and potential. I'd like to share a few lines of what she wrote me.


"Look back Mary. Look back at the girl you were then, and though excruciatingly painful as it was, what the whole ordeal has helped you to grow to be. A beautiful woman who is learning to see the beauty in herself. Would you have ever achieved that as Tyler's wife? Would you ever have learned to stand on your own two feet with a beautiful blend of strength and empathy? Would you know the wonderful friends you have in your life if life had not altered your course? Would you ever have learned who YOU are, not an extension of a husband or a parent? Would you ever have learned how to completely rely on the tender mercies of the Lord without this experience? Look back Mary. Look back and see how far you have come! Take a minute and be in that place if you need to, and then turn back around and KEEP GOING! Don't lose sight of the beautiful things you see in yourself NOW. Don't lose sight of the beautiful things you want for your future. The Lord isn't through with you. He hasn't left you by the wayside. Look back Mary and see how he has led you and is leading you and trust that he will continue to do just that."


She reminded me that what happened was a good thing. That I am who I am today because of it. That I chose to be better and not bitter. And then I think of all the people (and lifelong friends) I met at BYU that I wouldn't have met if I stayed married. I probably wouldn't even have a college education right now either. Even though it was a truly horrible, painful experience and even though I would have stayed married if I had the choice, it's the path my life took. And I've grown closer to the Lord because of it. And that's why we're here on this earth. To learn and change and grow.

I still have a lot of thoughts and new things that I'm learning circling around in my head. But I will save those thoughts for more blog posts in the future. To sum up this post... I am giving myself permission to be more and to trust myself. I have so much power within me and I plan on living up to the divinity that God has given me. (Wait, so that's what they meant in Young Women when they talked about Divine Nature?! I never really understood that one until now. :) Good thing... since I'm a YW leader! I better pass on what I know!)

Shifting into Me

Do you know what the best kinds of days are? The days when you are able to not only have several realizations that change your outlook on life, but you are also able to make a permanent shift. I'm never quite certain whether these shifts happen in your brain, your soul, or your heart. Maybe all three? Maybe your whole being? I'm also of the opinion that while these shifts can happen in one moment and very suddenly, they take weeks, months, maybe even years to build up to that moment. One rather unpleasant thing about these shifts, is that they tend to happen after intense moments of pain. But the pain is worth it because the shifts are permanent. Do you know what I mean what I say "shift"? Have you ever experienced one for yourself? A shift is when you realize that the way you've been looking at something has been wrong this whole time. And the shift happens when you realize the truth. Truth is very freeing but also can be painful.

I didn't start out the day thinking that a shift was going to happen. I went to church, bore my testimony, got to participate in a great Young Women's lesson, felt uplifted and happy. I started walking home from church. I noticed how beautiful the fall day was and how great it felt outside. I tied up my scriptures in my scarf and happily swung them as I walked. I thanked God for the day and how I was feeling. And then I decided to call my mom. I found out that my ex-husband had gotten permission from the First Presidency to be sealed to someone else in addition to me. I've known for months that this was a possibility. But I guess I wasn't prepared for how I would feel when I found out.

I cried for an hour. I haven't felt so much pain in a really long time. It was kind of wonderful in a way. To be able to forget how it felt. To have not felt that way in so long, to have forgotten how I used to feel that much pain every single hour of every single day for years. The reason I felt so upset was because it made me start to doubt myself again. "Maybe he was right. He had to leave you because you were awful. It was your fault. You deserved to be left. You weren't a good wife. If the First Presidency is allowing him to be sealed again then everything he did and said was right and you deserved all the pain you felt. Why will he never have to feel any of the consequences of what he did?" (Yeah, pretty intense how deep my self-loathing can go...) Another part of my brain that I have been able to develop over these past few years was saying, "Mary, don't listen to that! You know that's not true. You are good enough!" But I let the doubting part of me take over. I knew that I needed help. I made a few calls and arranged to receive a priesthood blessing.

As I received a blessing of comfort, I was oddly enough not feeling comforted! I was confused because priesthood blessings always make me feel better. One of the things the blessing said was that I would be given as many blessings from the Lord as I was willing to receive. I realized that I only didn't feel comforted and loved because I wasn't allowing myself to. Just think of it! I was not even allowing myself to feel God's love. But as I became aware of this fact I realized that God was giving me the choice to receive comfort or not. He wasn't just giving it to me. And with that choice He was giving me yet another opportunity to grow and become stronger. The blessing also said that He knows me better than I know myself. He knows how wonderful I am even if I don't.

So the shift that happened to me today was that I learned that I'm the only one who holds myself back. No one else can hold me back. Not my ex-husband. Not people who may say or do unkind things to me. Just myself. I'm the only one who's keeping myself from being amazing, better, loved, good enough. And realizing that gave me power. I have the power to free myself from myself. Does that make any sense? God can give me anything, but I have to be willing to accept it.

Anyway, after I had that wonderful shift and realized that wonderful truth about myself, I started to feel renewed and reinvigorated. That part of my life is over and I don't need to let any doubt linger. And it's okay that my ex is getting married again. It's a happy thing for him. He gets a second chance and I'm happy that I will also be getting a second chance in the future. I don't have to worry about who was right or wrong in the marriage. It's over. I've learned from it and I'm better because of it. And I can feel comfortable in the choices that I made and the covenants that I've kept.

I'm going to live up to my potential.

The Miracle of Forgiveness

Wow. Just...wow. I'm stunned and shocked right now. Something huge has happened. Something amazing. It feels weird but wonderful!!! I'm not being very articulate right now because it's hard to describe. I don't really know if it's appropriate for me to write about this on my blog. But it's such an immense blessing and huge change in my life that I feel like it goes right along with my quest for beauty and change for the better that I've been on. I do want to share it. So.... I'll try to write this in a way that will be understandable.

I recently found out that my ex-husband wants to get a cancellation of our temple sealing. A temple divorce if you will. He's going to be remarried. When I found this out I was really upset. Way more upset than I expected or wanted to be. I mean for goodness sakes it has been five years since we've been divorced why couldn't I just move on? I felt like a lot of really unfair things happened to me in our marriage. And that I was treated unfairly. And that no punishment was given to Tyler for how he treated me. Which made me question myself. This made me feel like I was a bad person. I was severely depressed for years, a few times suicidal. I had a lot of emotional issues I was dealing with. Basically I've been a huge mess for the past 6 years but gradually growing and getting better over time.
In my head I felt like yeah I'm totally okay now. What happened sucked, but I'm better off because of it. But I still felt like it wasn't fair and I was just trying to be the better person I so obviously was. Haha.

You know when you're just lying to yourself, but yet you still try to pretend that you really feel a certain way? Yeah, that was me. Oh of course I don't care about it. I'm so over that! But really I was secretly hoping that my ex's life would turn out badly because I felt that his actions towards me would be punished in some way. I was hoping his "true colors" would come out so everyone would see the person that I saw in our marriage. I didn't really want to accept the fact that I had a part in the failure of our marriage. I felt like I was the victim. I'm still not sure about who's to blame really. I know that I really was treated unfairly. But the one thing I know is that I didn't want to give up on our temple marriage. However, Tyler did.

I've been swinging from one extreme to the other this whole time. I would go from "I didn't have anything to do with this divorce, I was just stupid enough to pick a bad husband" to "It was all my fault. I should have done a better job being a wife". I couldn't really stay in the middle. That's a problem I have. I'm an extremist! (I really am working on it though!)

Well, I've been okay with just trying to move on with my life lately but in the back of my mind I still felt that my ex-husband was a real sleaze bag. I still felt like I was bearing the cross of a wife who was mistreated. I had moved on but I still had bad feelings towards my ex-husband.

I was thinking about what I would write in the letter to the First Presidency telling them what had happened. It was finally my chance to tell someone the injustices that I had been through and they would know that I was telling the truth. They would know that I wasn't lying because they have the gifts of discernment and the spirit. But I was still worried about what to write. I was confused about how I should be feeling. I was talking to my dad and he asked me, "If you could have any outcome in this situation, what would you want it to be?" The first thought that crossed my mind was that I didn't want Tyler getting remarried in the temple because he didn't deserve it. He finally needed to be accountable for what he did to me. But I went and got a blessing from my bishop. And I continued thinking about the question my dad asked me. What did I really want? I looked deep inside of myself. The kind of deepness where you are completely honest with yourself with no excuses. And this is where the miracle comes in. The thing I found there and what I whispered to myself was, "I want Tyler to be happy". And I was shocked that I really meant it. And as soon as I realized that I really meant it, all of the bad and unfair things that I was holding on to, all the bad things that I associated with my ex-husband passed through my head like a movie. And they all floated away and disappeared. (This sounds really cheesy and cliche but I don't know how else to describe it.) I felt like I could breathe again and that a huge weight had been lifted off of my chest. (Yes, very trite but I guess there's a reason why these phrases get used so much... because that's how it really felt!!!)

So there you have it. It's finally here. I finally feel like it's okay to forgive my ex-husband 100%. Yes what happened really sucked. It was extremely hard. But I was strong enough to get through it with Heavenly Father's help. I am a better person now. I have learned so much from the whole experience of marriage, abuse, depression, divorce. And the latest lesson I've been learning is that miracles really do still happen. Because (and excuse my language) there is no way in hell I would have really wanted my ex-husband to be happy on my own. Heavenly Father answered my prayers that I would be able to forgive Tyler and move on completely. It has certainly been a journey.

I just wanted to share this with my blog readers because maybe it will inspire you guys to not give up and to truly believe that all things are possible through the atonement and through Christ. I know this is a really really personal thing and I'm not trying to treat it lightly by writing about it on here. As you all know, I am just really honest. So I am sharing it with all of you. And I'm happy to know what I will be writing to the First Presidency. :)

Mary on her 25th Birthday

Today is my 25th birthday. It is a special birthday for many reasons.
1.)First of all 25 is my favorite number. Random I know.
2.)I am now a quarter of a century old! (And I am almost exactly half my mom's age... she's turning 50 in a couple of weeks... shh!)
3.)I am HEALTHY this year. And by healthy I mean, I'm not puking my guts out for five hours every fifteen minutes. I puked several times for A WEEK last year. Starting on my birthday. My friends were bringing over cake and ice cream and we were going to have a bowling party. I was thanking them for bringing the cake and ice cream and telling them "please leave now so you don't have to see me puke!" I went to a work party earlier in the day and I threw up like five times at work. At least I made it into the trash can. I had to wait til I felt like I could stop puking long enough to have my friend drive me home. I won't even go into the fact that my face was swollen and I was in the most physical pain of my life from my tooth being infected and that I had to have freaking surgery!!!! Okay... so that was last year on my birthday. I'm so glad that this year I am 100% a-okay! And I have a cool scar from that...
4.)Today marks a whole year since I've stopped taking anti-depressants. A whole year where I didn't have to rely on medication because my depression was so bad. A year relatively free from depression. (I've had a couple of days or random week but I attribute those bad days to when I was stressed out in school and to hormones). It is AMAZING!!! I love being "normal" and happy!
5.)I have GROWN SO MUCH! It's so weird. I was reading my journal from my birthday last year and just all my journal entries from last year and last summer and I am so different. I have grown and changed for the better so much in the last year. It's pretty cool to know that I am making progress. Moving away from BYU has been for the best because it has forced me to leave my comfort zone and being away from all of my friends has helped me to turn to the Lord more. And I'm definitely out of the BYU bubble. So that's been a little weird but it's also good for me to get to know different kinds of people and to not judge them for being different.
6.)And lastly, it's special because I'm going to make it special! And because I'm in the cool big city that is Washington D.C. And because I have lovely friends who I'm going to dinner with and breakfast with. And I have so many awesome friends who are encouraging and help me to realize that I am amazing! (Because they tell me I am and after a while you start to believe these rumors :) ).
Yay for birthdays! Yay for progress! Hip Hip Hooray!!!
If I were to have any cupcakes for my birthday I'd choose these beautiful flower ones.

P.S. You can read about my birthday last year. It was the second blog post I ever wrote on here.

Why Graduation is Such a Big Deal to Me

So I'm walking for graduation today. It doesn't seem real. I actually graduated in December and that didn't seem very real either. So why is graduation from BYU such a big deal for me? Well, besides the fact that it is a huge accomplishment for anyone to graduate from college, especially BYU, I've had a few other issues that slowed me down a bit.
Yeah yeah, I promise I'm not going to complain. But here's the journey I went through in very little detail:
Fall 2004: Yes THAT long ago... I started BYU as a young freshman in love.
Winter 2005: I decided not to go to school this semester and instead went back to Tennessee and got married.
Fall 2005: Came back to BYU married. Started classes. Abuse from husband caused severe depression. Withdrew from all my classes so we could move back to TN to be closer to family.
Feb 2006: My husband left me. I won't go into too many details because I've pretty much healed from this experience and I don't feel like going into all the awfulness of it. I moved back home.
Fall 2006: Back at school. Had an okay semester (amazingly).
Winter 2007: This is when it all caught up with me. This is when my depression was at its worst. Considered suicide. Got a stern talking to from my roommate. Had wonderful roommates who helped me and went to counseling.
Fall 2007: Moved to Monticello. I have learned and changed so much while living at Monticello. I met so many amazing people who all in their own way, just by being themselves, slowly helped me heal a little at a time.
Fall 2010: I GRADUATED!!!!!!!!!! Even though Stats and Sewing were super hard!!!!!!!!!!
PRESENT DAY: Here I am back at Monticello visiting because I'm walking in graduation today. The journey was long and hard. (I know I left out a lot of details but trust me it was freaking HARD!) I'm not sure if I'll even really use my degree. But the point is I have one. It was hard. And I had a lot of obstacles in my way. I could have given up. But I persevered and I did it! Yay!
P.S. The only way I made it through was with the help of the Lord and through the people he sent to help me.

How Depression and Anxiety Changed My Life For the Better

I realized that it is a miracle that I am depression free in my life now. I still have anxiety every once in a while but it's not as debilitating as it used to be. Some people may be wondering, "what's the difference between depression and anxiety?" (or you may not care at all.... but beware it could happen to you one day!)

Depression- Depression is by far the worst. It is the kind of soul sucking black hole hellish situation that makes people kill themselves. I'm not being sarcastic. When it gets bad enough you really do want to die. I actually considered it once...But I don't want to go into that story. Depression is a feeling deep in the pit of your stomach that also makes you feel like your soul is really really heavy. There is a stage in depression where you decide you'd rather be numb than feel all the hurt and despair you're feeling. So sometimes you become a zombie. You don't care about how other people feel, you don't care about yourself, you don't care about anything. You can not feel hope or joy when you are depressed. You can not feel the Spirit.

Anxiety- This is the one that makes it hard to breathe. It also makes you want to stay in your room or bed all day because you're too afraid to face the outside world. Anxiety is being afraid of things that haven't even happened yet. But you're so afraid of what will happen, you don't do anything but lay there and worry and cry. This makes it very difficult to go to work or class or to keep the plans you had to hang out with friends.

Now, you may ask, "Mary? Are you okay? Why are you talking about this on your blog? Are you depressed again?" The answer to that is no. But it's good for me to reflect on the fact that I did go through this extremely hard disease of the brain for about 5 years. There was one year in particular when it was the worst. I'm sorry for my roommates at that time and all the people I've affected since by being a downer and an annoyance. But I also wanted to let people know who may go through severe depression and/or anxiety that you can get through it. I'm so happy that I was able to get through it even though it took a few years. I'm a better person because of it. So here are the ways it changed my life:
1.) I enjoy happiness and relish laughter even more now and I'm so much more grateful for being happy.
2.) I can recognize when others are sad or depressed and I can help them.
3.) I can say that I've experienced a true miracle by being healed of depression and I have learned more about the atonement.
4.) I have more love and compassion and empathy with others who are suffering, no matter what the cause of their suffering is.
5.) I know that people with depression aren't faking it and can't just will themselves to be happy. And I learned that (the right)therapists really do help.
6.) I have a lot more faith and hope and charity than I would have if I didn't experience this trial.
7.) I appreciate and love living a day to day ordinary life because it feels so much better when you are not depressed.
8.) I know how much the Lord loves me.
9.) I feel that the Lord entrusts special people with depression. I know that sounds weird and I don't know why. It's just an inkling I've had and a feeling I've had. There is a reason for it besides just suffering.
10.) I LOVE LAUGHING and being goofy and watching silly movies and I don't care if other people think it's weird because it just feels SO GOOD to be happy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I also want to say I know there are no guarantees that I won't face severe depression in my life again. But for now, I'm doing really well and I hope it stays that way. And I know that because I went through this very very hard trial, I can face any future hardships I may have with faith and courage because I know the Lord helped me through this one.

Loving Myself

So basically I've been praying and praying that the Lord could help me find a way to be healthier and to be able to lose weight. But again and again nothing really worked. I felt such compulsion to eat bad things and overate again and again. But lately as I've been praying more sincerly about trying to love myself more the Lord has helped me to realize that it is only through loving myself that I will ever be able to be healthy. I will have to love myself the way I am now and not just after I look the way I want to. I was grateful for this insight from the Lord and it was a new concept to me. Then I came across this article and it is so true for me! People are like, "dude, just don't eat all that crap and exercise, duh!" And I'm like people this feels like I'm a drug addict except the drug is food. I can't function or think about anything else until I get my fix! I am addicted to food and any addictions are unhealthy because they take away your agency. (Well you give up your agency if you have an addiction.) Anyway, I wanted to post this article so maybe friends would understand more why I am the way I am. And why I couldn't just eat normally.
Every overeater has heard them a million times: the admonishments of weight loss. You’ve got to stick to your diet, commit to the process, stay with it no matter what, discipline yourself to "just do it," and so forth. Yet such admonishments only add to your anxiety; if you were able to consistently be there for yourself, you wouldn’t be an overeater to begin with!



While overeating would be seen by some as an indulgence of self, it is in fact a profound rejection of self. It is a moment of self-betrayal and self-punishment, and anything but a commitment to one’s own well-being. Why would you be able to commit to a diet if you’re not consistently committed to yourself?

Your relationship to food is but a reflection of your relationship to yourself, as is everything in your life. There’s no reason to think that you’ll be capable of loyalty to a diet until you address your basic disloyalty toward yourself. Until your fundamental relationship with yourself is healed, then your relationship to food is doomed to be neurotic.

As committed as you might be to the process of weight loss, there will always come those moments when your self-hatred rises up like an oceanic force from the bottom of your subconscious mind, demanding to assert itself. That’s what makes addiction and compulsion so cruel: you could be committed to your diet for 23 hours and 45 minutes during a day, then ruin all your efforts in 15 minutes. What is not self-love carries within it the seeds of self-hate, no matter how small; wherever the mind is not filled with love, it has a propensity for insanity. And just a tiny bit of insanity is enough to do it—in about as long as it takes to open up a bag of cookies, you find a way to destroy your most cherished dream.

This lesson addresses your basic lack of commitment and compassion toward yourself, your lack of self-care that leads you time and again to punish and betray yourself. Only when you learn to commit to yourself will you stop your self-sabotaging behavior. It’s not enough to just tell yourself what not to do; you must learn a new way to think before you can master a new way to be.


Well, I know it was a lot to read so if you gave up reading it that's ok. And I also know I can't just not try at all and just blame everything on an addiction. So I am trying!!! But now I am being more realistic and realizing that I have to like myself the way I am right now in this moment. And I have to change the way I see myself to how God sees me. Then I feel beautiful. And when I feel beautiful, I can say no! Even though I still think about food and what I want to eat 24/7. Literally all the time. I am able to make better choices. And I'm not cutting out bad foods entirely, I'm just not bingeing anymore! It's a step. And in my heart I know that I can do it with the Lord's help. I know a lot of people who read this will not understand but just know that I am not making it up! But I have faith that I will get past this hurdle and trial just as I have a ton of other big trials such as depression (which took four years to defeat! and it may come back sometimes). I will also probably struggle with this for the rest of my life but I know I can get to a place where I am proud of myself and where I love myself!

Good Enough

So……In case you didn’t know… Life in D.C. is very different. There are rules to be followed here and if you don’t follow them you can’t prosper very well. Rule #1 Fit the standards of looking and dressing the D.C. way. You have to look good. Looks are worth a lot more here than anywhere else I’ve ever lived. Rule#2 You have to be political and interested in politics. Or working at an internship involving politics. If you don’t follow these rules… what are you here for then? I’m here because I was guided here by Heavenly Father. I knew it might be a little tough but I just KNEW I would make tons of friends in the single’s ward. I didn’t realize or count on the ways in which it would be hard. I am not going to a single’s ward. I have made one new friend here and I know one other friend. Going from having tons of friends and being respected and loved to having two friends and being looked down on is really hard. People don’t respect you and you can feel it. Maybe they think if they’re nice to you, you won’t be able to tell how they really feel about you. But for someone as observant and sensitive as me, I can most certainly feel it. I feel that they feel that I am inconsequential and worthless. I was never picked on in high school really. People respected me there as well. I was well liked, voted Most Friendly and class Secretary and on the Yearbook staff etc. However, this is not a new thing for me as my ex-husband set about making me feel worthless and telling me so. But I always thought, it was just a bad situation, no one will make you feel that way again. Wrong. I thought, mmmm well I’ll just be so nice and kind that everyone will love me because I’m a good person on the inside. That might have worked at good ole BYU but it doesn’t work here so well. People don’t care about that kind of thing here. I’m in a very worldly city my friends. Well, however hard it is, that’s how my life is right now. And I’m learning to deal with it. And the only way that I really can deal with it is to change how I view myself. I can’t really change how others view me right away but I can gain more self-esteem and self-love towards myself. I find myself starting to believe others around me; I am worthless. But I promised myself I would never give anyone else the power to make me feel that way about myself again. (Not after all the damage you did Tyler. You big jerk! Haha). I also realized that I was waiting until I fit a certain picture before I would let myself feel good enough. (aka until I lost weight) But the problem with that is I can't lose weight until I feel like I'm worth something. Otherwise I'm just going to keep abusing my body by being unhealthy because I don't think I'm worth it. I don’t want to base my feelings off of how someone else feels about me. I want to be in control of how I view myself. So I took it to the Lord and I’m going to have faith, A LOT of faith that He can help me. Because even though it may be foolish I feel like I’m a pretty awesome person. And I want to be sure of it. So sure that everyone else won’t be able to change my mind when they look at me in that way or whisper about me or tell me to my face that I’m not good enough. Because I am good enough. So there.