Good Enough

So……In case you didn’t know… Life in D.C. is very different. There are rules to be followed here and if you don’t follow them you can’t prosper very well. Rule #1 Fit the standards of looking and dressing the D.C. way. You have to look good. Looks are worth a lot more here than anywhere else I’ve ever lived. Rule#2 You have to be political and interested in politics. Or working at an internship involving politics. If you don’t follow these rules… what are you here for then? I’m here because I was guided here by Heavenly Father. I knew it might be a little tough but I just KNEW I would make tons of friends in the single’s ward. I didn’t realize or count on the ways in which it would be hard. I am not going to a single’s ward. I have made one new friend here and I know one other friend. Going from having tons of friends and being respected and loved to having two friends and being looked down on is really hard. People don’t respect you and you can feel it. Maybe they think if they’re nice to you, you won’t be able to tell how they really feel about you. But for someone as observant and sensitive as me, I can most certainly feel it. I feel that they feel that I am inconsequential and worthless. I was never picked on in high school really. People respected me there as well. I was well liked, voted Most Friendly and class Secretary and on the Yearbook staff etc. However, this is not a new thing for me as my ex-husband set about making me feel worthless and telling me so. But I always thought, it was just a bad situation, no one will make you feel that way again. Wrong. I thought, mmmm well I’ll just be so nice and kind that everyone will love me because I’m a good person on the inside. That might have worked at good ole BYU but it doesn’t work here so well. People don’t care about that kind of thing here. I’m in a very worldly city my friends. Well, however hard it is, that’s how my life is right now. And I’m learning to deal with it. And the only way that I really can deal with it is to change how I view myself. I can’t really change how others view me right away but I can gain more self-esteem and self-love towards myself. I find myself starting to believe others around me; I am worthless. But I promised myself I would never give anyone else the power to make me feel that way about myself again. (Not after all the damage you did Tyler. You big jerk! Haha). I also realized that I was waiting until I fit a certain picture before I would let myself feel good enough. (aka until I lost weight) But the problem with that is I can't lose weight until I feel like I'm worth something. Otherwise I'm just going to keep abusing my body by being unhealthy because I don't think I'm worth it. I don’t want to base my feelings off of how someone else feels about me. I want to be in control of how I view myself. So I took it to the Lord and I’m going to have faith, A LOT of faith that He can help me. Because even though it may be foolish I feel like I’m a pretty awesome person. And I want to be sure of it. So sure that everyone else won’t be able to change my mind when they look at me in that way or whisper about me or tell me to my face that I’m not good enough. Because I am good enough. So there.