So...my ex-husband got sealed to someone else today, and technically we are still sealed as well. And while that's a little weird if I think about it too much, it's okay. I kept wondering if I would somehow feel different today because of it. But no. I feel just fine. I don't even feel sad. I guess the past two weeks I've really been able to figure out my feelings even more regarding the situation. It's been a hard couple of weeks but now I'm so happy to be feeling good and like it's okay to bury the past completely. And I also realized that by Tyler getting remarried this year, it's forced me to be really honest with myself and to face some painful feelings that I had been trying to keep buried. So even though it's been a hard year, it's been a year full of SO MUCH CHANGE for the better! And in the process of looking deep inside of myself, I've discovered several truths about who I am. (Good things!) Some good things I'm admitting to myself are that I am an amazing person. Also, I am special. Like, really. I really am a special and exceptional person. Yeah, I know just like everyone else... but really. I am. The Lord has a great work in store for me. And I couldn't accomplish it without going through the trials and experiences I've been through. Even if that work is just to help others who may go through the same experience as me, it will be worth it if I can help them along the way. I don't know what I would have done without those women who took me aside and said, "I know how you feel, the same thing happened to me. You're not alone. Things will get better. You did not deserve this. You are a wonderful daughter of God."
I always needed others approval before because I didn't like myself or feel good about myself. So I've needed others permission to feel good about myself. That's why when people have been mean or said mean things about me before, it hurt deeply and I took it to heart. Because I believed it, and they were reinforcing my fears about myself. This week, I wrote a dear friend because I was really confused with how I was feeling and I just knew she would have the answers. She was the one who came and picked me up the night Tyler said he wanted a divorce, she's been with me through this whole journey which I appreciate because not very many people know the whole story like she does. I realized that I didn't need permission from her to feel good about myself, but sometimes it's okay to have good friends remind you of your qualities and potential. I'd like to share a few lines of what she wrote me.
"Look back Mary. Look back at the girl you were then, and though excruciatingly painful as it was, what the whole ordeal has helped you to grow to be. A beautiful woman who is learning to see the beauty in herself. Would you have ever achieved that as Tyler's wife? Would you ever have learned to stand on your own two feet with a beautiful blend of strength and empathy? Would you know the wonderful friends you have in your life if life had not altered your course? Would you ever have learned who YOU are, not an extension of a husband or a parent? Would you ever have learned how to completely rely on the tender mercies of the Lord without this experience? Look back Mary. Look back and see how far you have come! Take a minute and be in that place if you need to, and then turn back around and KEEP GOING! Don't lose sight of the beautiful things you see in yourself NOW. Don't lose sight of the beautiful things you want for your future. The Lord isn't through with you. He hasn't left you by the wayside. Look back Mary and see how he has led you and is leading you and trust that he will continue to do just that."
She reminded me that what happened was a good thing. That I am who I am today because of it. That I chose to be better and not bitter. And then I think of all the people (and lifelong friends) I met at BYU that I wouldn't have met if I stayed married. I probably wouldn't even have a college education right now either. Even though it was a truly horrible, painful experience and even though I would have stayed married if I had the choice, it's the path my life took. And I've grown closer to the Lord because of it. And that's why we're here on this earth. To learn and change and grow.
I still have a lot of thoughts and new things that I'm learning circling around in my head. But I will save those thoughts for more blog posts in the future. To sum up this post... I am giving myself permission to be more and to trust myself. I have so much power within me and I plan on living up to the divinity that God has given me. (Wait, so that's what they meant in Young Women when they talked about Divine Nature?! I never really understood that one until now. :) Good thing... since I'm a YW leader! I better pass on what I know!)
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