Facing My Fears

I am such a chicken sometimes. I am afraid of the unknown, the uncomfortable, and the what-if's leave me paralyzed at times. (It's called anxiety...) I think many of the trials I've had have been in direct relation with helping to me get over my anxieties and face the world. Because once you do it, you realize it's not so bad! The Lord knows exactly what I need to go through to help me overcome myself. Living in a big city is not easy or convenient. You have to step outside of your comfort zone a lot. Being on my own a lot this past year (and without a car!) has forced me to step it up and just do whatever needs to be done without relying on other people.

I usually feel the need to be reassured by someone else before I do something I don't know how to do. Wait, so tell me again, how do I do this? What if I do it wrong? Have you done it before? Can you come with me? Can you do it for me? I've been learning to face the fear of the unknown and realize, it's not that bad. Really, what's the worst that could happen?

Some new fears I've been having lately and stemming from my job as a nanny last year.... Fear of having children. This has always been a joy to me and the ultimate goal in my mind. I'm going to get married and have children and be a wonderful mother. Because I desired it so much, I just knew it would be natural and easy. I wouldn't have to work too hard at it because it was already who I was, a mother. Well, talk about a WAKE UP CALL! Taking care of twins made me realize, wow, it's not going to be easy. Can I even do this? I started having anxiety about the unknown, the future. What if I'm a bad mother? I started questioning if I even wanted to have children, and if I did, what if I just screwed them up?

But when I start thinking those thoughts, I think back to possibly the worst night of my life. (It's surprisingly a toss up between a couple of other occasions...)When I hit absolute rock bottom. The night I was going to end it all. I had toyed around with the idea. I started thinking about it every day. Then I just hoped that I wouldn't go to hell if I did it. But I felt like I just couldn't do it anymore. "It" being life. As I lay on my bed thinking about the steps I would take to end my life, my children came to my mind. No, I don't have any children yet. But my future children, the ones I had read about over and over in my patriarchal blessing, the ones who I had given fifty different names, the children who I had such hopes for and already felt such love for. So in that moment I decided to live for my children. Because they needed me. That might sound odd, but at the time living for someone other than myself was all I could do. Because I didn't feel like I was worth it. But they were.

I realize this is a very personal thing to write about on the internet where presumably anyone could read it. But I'm reminding myself. I have come so far. I have done hard things. Life has been hard at times. But it's also been wonderful. It's been full and I've felt courage and love and friendship. When I feel anxiety about something that hasn't even happened yet, all I have to do is look back at where I was and how far I've come and realize this is nothing! I've got this! The Lord has been giving me the tools I need to confront my fears.

And so the next time I feel scared about the future and worry about my future children, I'll just remind myself that they saved me.

P.S. I don't think mental illness should be something that I am ashamed of. I don't think anyone else should have to feel shame, unworthiness, or guilt or feel that they are crazy because they suffer from a mental illness. It's called an illness for a reason and is very real. People who belittle, make fun of, or don't believe those with mental illnesses have never experienced them but if they did, they would realize how truly awful and debilitating it can be. Don't judge someone unless you've walked down their path.

Personality

Well, I currently do not have a job. It's only been two weeks of me not having a job (I was nannying the first week of this month for my friend Ruth so technically that was a job) and I'm kinda going crazy! I have an interview with a temp agency on Monday so hopefully I will be working next week. But since I don't have a job... might as well blog!

I really love taking personality tests because they're fun and I love learning more about what makes people tick. I also love learning more about why I do certain things and learning more about myself in general because being more aware helps me to control my decisions and actions. I don't know if any of you guys have ever taken the Myers-Briggs personality test but I've found it to be almost completely accurate. It's so on point that I was a little taken aback. Each personality has a different name assigned to it. I'm an ISFP which is called The Artist. Which I think is pretty awesome because I never really thought of myself as an artist. However, one of my friends once asked me, what makes you the happiest? What do you enjoy doing? What is your dream job? And I said that creating things was my favorite thing to do and I would love a job where I got to create things and get paid for it. And artists definitely create!

Here's a quick description I found online. Does it sound like me? :) ISFP
Quiet, friendly, sensitive, and kind. Enjoy the present moment, what’s going on around them. Like to have their own space and to work within their own time frame. Loyal and committed to their values and to people who are important to them. Dislike disagreements and conflicts, do not force their opinions or values on others.
Here are some other facts about people like me (ISFPs).

This has been true for me since I was small. I've always wanted to do my own thing and not necessarily what everyone else around me was doing. I like being a little different. And I always have needed alone time. And believe me, it was hard to come by growing up in a small house with seven other siblings and my parents.

Very true for me. Which is why my feelings can get hurt pretty easily. And probably also why I am prone to depression. But it also makes me care deeply for others and feel deep convictions in my beliefs.

I didn't tap into this one as much until after my divorce. And then I thought it was some type of spiritual gift of discernment (maybe it still is?) but I feel like I can get an accurate reading of people within a few minutes of meeting them. The only problem with is is sometimes it causes me to judge others and write them off too quickly, when in reality I need to spend more time getting to know them.

Soooo true!!! Like really. It's a problem! I get so defensive because of this. Don't judge me, you don't know me! Haha.

This one was good for me to read because I didn't think about it before. It made me think I should give myself more credit! :)

Well, okay. :)

If you're my friend and I love you, I try to let you know it! :0



Well, thanks for reading through this post all about me and my personality!!! Haha! I think another characteristic I read somewhere about ISFPs is that they are a little self absorbed at times. Not in a bad way necessarily, just very aware of themselves and who they are and that they think about it a lot. :)

Read more and find out about your personality here. There are also some free tests you can take online to figure out what your personality is. If you know what yours is let me know because I'd love to learn more about you. :)

Well, that didn't last very long!

I was reading over some priesthood blessings that I had been given. I always forget specific words in blessings and only remember the general idea so a few years ago I started writing down what I remembered from the blessings right after I got them. I complied all these blessings into one document. As I was reading this list today, I realized something pretty amazing. Most of the things promised in the blessings had all happened. And the things that I needed to work on, I've improved on. I didn't receive all the blessings right away, in fact most of them have taken years. But the point is, I did change and I did receive those promised blessings. I added a few new priesthood blessings that I recently received to the list today. And I am so happy to realize and have faith that, they will also come to fruition. Yes, it will take time just like the previous blessings, but it will happen. I am so grateful for that. I am so happy that I decided to write down these blessings to help me remember.

So that's why I decided that I shouldn't stop writing in this blog. I wanted to stop because I didn't know why I was writing it anymore or who I was writing it for. I even prayed about whether I should keep writing this blog or not. Because honestly, I didn't want to do it anymore. I felt an uneasy feeling when I decided to stop writing and I kind of felt like I should keep going. (But of course I ignored that feeling). I felt pressure and I felt judgement from other people. And I'm making new friends. I don't really want them to know about the past me. The me that has changed. But it's important for me to remember and to see how far I've come and to document how much farther I know I will go. And maybe the things I write will help others too. But I need to write it for me. I took down my blog address from Facebook and I won't be announcing when I've written a new post anymore. But for anyone who is still reading this, I'll be writing every so often. :)

P.S. I am thriving in my new house and new town! I've already made three strong friends in the first week I've been here. Whereas last year, I only made three strong friends PERIOD! I'd say that's a vast improvement. Yay single's wards! I miss you Capitol Hill ward though. :(