The Gift of Struggling

My self esteem wasn't a gift that was given to me by my parents; it wasn't something they could teach me. My own mother's was fragile and wounded from a lifetime of hurt and not having someone to teach her. The little frail bit that I did have was crushed to dust and blown away in the wind by my ex-husband. He questioned my goodness and motives until finally declaring me not fit to be his wife because I would drag him down on his journey to eternal life. So my self esteem went from a small fragment to nothing at all.

Self esteem was not a spiritual gift that Heavenly Father gave to me. He allowed me to struggle to find it and even fight for it. And in the process he has given me a different gift. The gift of being able to teach others who cannot find their own self esteem and who have been searching for it. To teach them how to find and gain self esteem, self worth, and self love.

Like/Don't Like

Things I Don't Like:

Coming home from a fun impromptu dinner in which a few friends whisked me away for a late birthday celebration and instead of being happy and content, feeling sad. Sad for no reason. Staying up late (early?) into the morning crying and feeling sad for no reason. In my mind I went over the different people who I know love and care about me and the good qualities that I have. I went over the fact that it is not my fault with what has happened in the past with my divorce and it doesn't matter anymore, but I still FELT sad and could not stop crying. But I guess that's okay too. It's okay to just feel sad and cry for no reason.

Trying to flush the toilet after using it during the early morning hours you can't sleep and then having the handle just break completely off...

Things I Do Like:

Knowing that hard times like these (at least for me) always precede growth and direction in my life. The Lord helps me to get on the right course for my life and these hard times help me to turn to Him more and to be guided and more malleable. Feeling this way also helps me be more determined to do something different and try harder to do something to change the current situation. I don't know exactly what is coming next but I feel in my bones that some change is coming for me soon. Something exciting. I hope it's not a change in location because I love living where I do and all my wonderful friends!

Also... mud pie shake from Ray's Hell Burgers.... It rivals Good Stuff and Bobby's Burger Palace shakes....

Feeling a frenzy and a fiery passion to draw and paint when I get sad. It fuels my creativity and I do love that. :) (I understand a lot better all of the famous artists from the past who suffered from mental illness- it just drives you to do something to get your feelings out and to express them). My artistic inspiration and drive is directly correlated to my depression.

Unleashing the Dormant Spirit

Yesterday on my birthday I was fasting for a couple of people and also for how I could be better in my 27th year. And I feel like all the testimonies and lessons at church were all helpful. And this morning I read this talk by Elder Busche. I felt like all of these bullet points were SO GOOD! And such good advice and it really spoke to my heart and my spirit. I just thought I would share in case it should touch any of you few people who read this blog. :)


Elder F. Enzio Busche's talk entitled "Unleashing the Dormant Spirit" (this is just a portion of his talk).



It is also obvious that without constant efforts, it will be very difficult to always be focused on our most righteous desires. Therefore, I want to share with you a vehicle, an instrument, that I developed some time ago for myself and for my family. It can assist us to reach our focus as we read the suggested vision of true discipleship as a Latter-day Saint. It helps when, from time to time, we ponder and seek identification with the following thoughts:

• Embrace this day with an enthusiastic welcome, no matter how it looks. The covenant with God to which you are true enables you to become enlightened by him, and nothing is impossible for you. 

• When you are physically sick, tired, or in despair, steer your thoughts away from yourself and direct them, in gratitude and love, toward God. 

• In your life there have to be challenges. They will either bring you closer to God and therefore make you stronger, or they can destroy you. But you make the decision of which road you take. 

• First and foremost, you are a spirit child of God. If you neglect to feed your spirit, you will reap unhappiness. Don’t permit anything to detract you from this awareness. 

• You cannot communicate with God unless you have first sacrificed your self-oriented natural man and have brought yourself into the lower levels of meekness, to become acceptable for the Light of Christ. 

• Put all frustrations, hurt feelings, and grumblings into the perspective of your eternal hope. Light will flow into your soul. 

• Pause to ponder the suffering Christ felt in the Garden of Gethsemane. In the awareness of the depth of gratitude for him, you appreciate every opportunity to show your love for him by diligently serving in his Church. 

• God knows that you are not perfect. As you suffer about your imperfections, he will give you comfort and suggestions of where to improve. 

• God knows better than you what you need. He always attempts to speak to you. Listen, and follow the uncomfortable suggestions that he makes to us—everything will fall into its place. 

• Avoid any fear like your worst enemy, but magnify your fear about the consequences of sin. 

• When you cannot love someone, look into that person’s eyes long enough to find the hidden rudiments of the child of God in him. 

• Never judge anyone. When you accept this, you will be freed. In the case of your own children or subordinates, where you have the responsibility to judge, help them to become their own judges. 

• If someone hurts you so much that your feelings seem to choke you, forgive and you will be free again. 

• Avoid at all cost any pessimistic, negative, or criticizing thoughts. If you cannot cut them out, they will do you harm. On the road toward salvation, let questions arise but  never doubts. If something is wrong, God will give you clarity but never doubts. 

• Avoid rush and haste and uncontrolled words. Divine light develops in places of peace and quiet. Be aware of that as you enter places of worship. 

• Be not so much concerned about what you do, but do what you do with all your heart, might, and strength. In thoroughness is satisfaction. 

• You want to be good and to do good. That is commendable. But the greatest achievement that can be reached in our lives is to be under the complete influence of the Holy Ghost. Then he will teach us what is really good and necessary to do. 

• The pain of sacrifice lasts only one moment. It is the fear of the pain of sacrifice that makes you hesitate to do it. 

• Be grateful for every opportunity to serve. It helps you more than those you serve.And finally, when you are compelled to give up something or when things that are dear to you are withdrawn from you, know that this is your lesson to be learned right now. But know also that, as you are learning this lesson, God wants to give you something better.

 as we read the suggested vision of true discipleship as a Latter-day Saint. It helps when, from time to time, we ponder and seek identification with the following thoughts: 

• Embrace this day with an enthusiastic welcome, no matter how it looks. The covenant with God to which you are true enables you to become enlightened by him, and nothing is impossible for you. 

• When you are physically sick, tired, or in despair, steer your thoughts away from yourself and direct them, in gratitude and love, toward God. 

• In your life there have to be challenges. They will either bring you closer to God and therefore make you stronger, or they can destroy you. But you make the decision of which road you take. 

• First and foremost, you are a spirit child of God. If you neglect to feed your spirit, you will reap unhappiness. Don’t permit anything to detract you from this awareness. 

• You cannot communicate with God unless you have first sacrificed your self-oriented natural man and have brought yourself into the lower levels of meekness, to become acceptable for the Light of Christ. 

• Put all frustrations, hurt feelings, and grumblings into the perspective of your eternal hope. Light will flow into your soul. 

• Pause to ponder the suffering Christ felt in the Garden of Gethsemane. In the awareness of the depth of gratitude for him, you appreciate every opportunity to show your love for him by diligently serving in his Church. 

• God knows that you are not perfect. As you suffer about your imperfections, he will give you comfort and suggestions of where to improve. 

• God knows better than you what you need. He always attempts to speak to you. Listen, and follow the uncomfortable suggestions that he makes to us—everything will fall into its place. 

• Avoid any fear like your worst enemy, but magnify your fear about the consequences of sin. 

• When you cannot love someone, look into that person’s eyes long enough to find the hidden rudiments of the child of God in him. 

• Never judge anyone. When you accept this, you will be freed. In the case of your own children or subordinates, where you have the responsibility to judge, help them to become their own judges. 

• If someone hurts you so much that your feelings seem to choke you, forgive and you will be free again. 

• Avoid at all cost any pessimistic, negative, or criticizing thoughts. If you cannot cut them out, they will do you harm. On the road toward salvation, let questions arise but  never doubts. If something is wrong, God will give you clarity but never doubts. 

• Avoid rush and haste and uncontrolled words. Divine light develops in places of peace and quiet. Be aware of that as you enter places of worship. 

• Be not so much concerned about what you do, but do what you do with all your heart, might, and strength. In thoroughness is satisfaction. 

• You want to be good and to do good. That is commendable. But the greatest achievement that can be reached in our lives is to be under the complete influence of the Holy Ghost. Then he will teach us what is really good and necessary to do. 

• The pain of sacrifice lasts only one moment. It is the fear of the pain of sacrifice that makes you hesitate to do it. 

• Be grateful for every opportunity to serve. It helps you more than those you serve.And finally, when you are compelled to give up something or when things that are dear to you are withdrawn from you, know that this is your lesson to be learned right now. But know also that, as you are learning this lesson, God wants to give you something better.