I am struggling with my self worth a lot lately. And I had a thought that my worth is so much more than I can even comprehend. And that that fact is TRUTH. It's like I had a glimpse of pure truth in that moment. And that if I can  just grasp on to that feeling, that memory I will be ok.
All of these issues I'm having are no longer about Tyler it's about me and how I see myself . But his interactions with me and who he ultimately thought I was is still affecting how I see myself even 8 years later. I can't escape myself and how other people see me. I can't trust myself enough.

The Gift of Struggling

My self esteem wasn't a gift that was given to me by my parents; it wasn't something they could teach me. My own mother's was fragile and wounded from a lifetime of hurt and not having someone to teach her. The little frail bit that I did have was crushed to dust and blown away in the wind by my ex-husband. He questioned my goodness and motives until finally declaring me not fit to be his wife because I would drag him down on his journey to eternal life. So my self esteem went from a small fragment to nothing at all.

Self esteem was not a spiritual gift that Heavenly Father gave to me. He allowed me to struggle to find it and even fight for it. And in the process he has given me a different gift. The gift of being able to teach others who cannot find their own self esteem and who have been searching for it. To teach them how to find and gain self esteem, self worth, and self love.

Like/Don't Like

Things I Don't Like:

Coming home from a fun impromptu dinner in which a few friends whisked me away for a late birthday celebration and instead of being happy and content, feeling sad. Sad for no reason. Staying up late (early?) into the morning crying and feeling sad for no reason. In my mind I went over the different people who I know love and care about me and the good qualities that I have. I went over the fact that it is not my fault with what has happened in the past with my divorce and it doesn't matter anymore, but I still FELT sad and could not stop crying. But I guess that's okay too. It's okay to just feel sad and cry for no reason.

Trying to flush the toilet after using it during the early morning hours you can't sleep and then having the handle just break completely off...

Things I Do Like:

Knowing that hard times like these (at least for me) always precede growth and direction in my life. The Lord helps me to get on the right course for my life and these hard times help me to turn to Him more and to be guided and more malleable. Feeling this way also helps me be more determined to do something different and try harder to do something to change the current situation. I don't know exactly what is coming next but I feel in my bones that some change is coming for me soon. Something exciting. I hope it's not a change in location because I love living where I do and all my wonderful friends!

Also... mud pie shake from Ray's Hell Burgers.... It rivals Good Stuff and Bobby's Burger Palace shakes....

Feeling a frenzy and a fiery passion to draw and paint when I get sad. It fuels my creativity and I do love that. :) (I understand a lot better all of the famous artists from the past who suffered from mental illness- it just drives you to do something to get your feelings out and to express them). My artistic inspiration and drive is directly correlated to my depression.

Unleashing the Dormant Spirit

Yesterday on my birthday I was fasting for a couple of people and also for how I could be better in my 27th year. And I feel like all the testimonies and lessons at church were all helpful. And this morning I read this talk by Elder Busche. I felt like all of these bullet points were SO GOOD! And such good advice and it really spoke to my heart and my spirit. I just thought I would share in case it should touch any of you few people who read this blog. :)


Elder F. Enzio Busche's talk entitled "Unleashing the Dormant Spirit" (this is just a portion of his talk).



It is also obvious that without constant efforts, it will be very difficult to always be focused on our most righteous desires. Therefore, I want to share with you a vehicle, an instrument, that I developed some time ago for myself and for my family. It can assist us to reach our focus as we read the suggested vision of true discipleship as a Latter-day Saint. It helps when, from time to time, we ponder and seek identification with the following thoughts:

• Embrace this day with an enthusiastic welcome, no matter how it looks. The covenant with God to which you are true enables you to become enlightened by him, and nothing is impossible for you. 

• When you are physically sick, tired, or in despair, steer your thoughts away from yourself and direct them, in gratitude and love, toward God. 

• In your life there have to be challenges. They will either bring you closer to God and therefore make you stronger, or they can destroy you. But you make the decision of which road you take. 

• First and foremost, you are a spirit child of God. If you neglect to feed your spirit, you will reap unhappiness. Don’t permit anything to detract you from this awareness. 

• You cannot communicate with God unless you have first sacrificed your self-oriented natural man and have brought yourself into the lower levels of meekness, to become acceptable for the Light of Christ. 

• Put all frustrations, hurt feelings, and grumblings into the perspective of your eternal hope. Light will flow into your soul. 

• Pause to ponder the suffering Christ felt in the Garden of Gethsemane. In the awareness of the depth of gratitude for him, you appreciate every opportunity to show your love for him by diligently serving in his Church. 

• God knows that you are not perfect. As you suffer about your imperfections, he will give you comfort and suggestions of where to improve. 

• God knows better than you what you need. He always attempts to speak to you. Listen, and follow the uncomfortable suggestions that he makes to us—everything will fall into its place. 

• Avoid any fear like your worst enemy, but magnify your fear about the consequences of sin. 

• When you cannot love someone, look into that person’s eyes long enough to find the hidden rudiments of the child of God in him. 

• Never judge anyone. When you accept this, you will be freed. In the case of your own children or subordinates, where you have the responsibility to judge, help them to become their own judges. 

• If someone hurts you so much that your feelings seem to choke you, forgive and you will be free again. 

• Avoid at all cost any pessimistic, negative, or criticizing thoughts. If you cannot cut them out, they will do you harm. On the road toward salvation, let questions arise but  never doubts. If something is wrong, God will give you clarity but never doubts. 

• Avoid rush and haste and uncontrolled words. Divine light develops in places of peace and quiet. Be aware of that as you enter places of worship. 

• Be not so much concerned about what you do, but do what you do with all your heart, might, and strength. In thoroughness is satisfaction. 

• You want to be good and to do good. That is commendable. But the greatest achievement that can be reached in our lives is to be under the complete influence of the Holy Ghost. Then he will teach us what is really good and necessary to do. 

• The pain of sacrifice lasts only one moment. It is the fear of the pain of sacrifice that makes you hesitate to do it. 

• Be grateful for every opportunity to serve. It helps you more than those you serve.And finally, when you are compelled to give up something or when things that are dear to you are withdrawn from you, know that this is your lesson to be learned right now. But know also that, as you are learning this lesson, God wants to give you something better.

 as we read the suggested vision of true discipleship as a Latter-day Saint. It helps when, from time to time, we ponder and seek identification with the following thoughts: 

• Embrace this day with an enthusiastic welcome, no matter how it looks. The covenant with God to which you are true enables you to become enlightened by him, and nothing is impossible for you. 

• When you are physically sick, tired, or in despair, steer your thoughts away from yourself and direct them, in gratitude and love, toward God. 

• In your life there have to be challenges. They will either bring you closer to God and therefore make you stronger, or they can destroy you. But you make the decision of which road you take. 

• First and foremost, you are a spirit child of God. If you neglect to feed your spirit, you will reap unhappiness. Don’t permit anything to detract you from this awareness. 

• You cannot communicate with God unless you have first sacrificed your self-oriented natural man and have brought yourself into the lower levels of meekness, to become acceptable for the Light of Christ. 

• Put all frustrations, hurt feelings, and grumblings into the perspective of your eternal hope. Light will flow into your soul. 

• Pause to ponder the suffering Christ felt in the Garden of Gethsemane. In the awareness of the depth of gratitude for him, you appreciate every opportunity to show your love for him by diligently serving in his Church. 

• God knows that you are not perfect. As you suffer about your imperfections, he will give you comfort and suggestions of where to improve. 

• God knows better than you what you need. He always attempts to speak to you. Listen, and follow the uncomfortable suggestions that he makes to us—everything will fall into its place. 

• Avoid any fear like your worst enemy, but magnify your fear about the consequences of sin. 

• When you cannot love someone, look into that person’s eyes long enough to find the hidden rudiments of the child of God in him. 

• Never judge anyone. When you accept this, you will be freed. In the case of your own children or subordinates, where you have the responsibility to judge, help them to become their own judges. 

• If someone hurts you so much that your feelings seem to choke you, forgive and you will be free again. 

• Avoid at all cost any pessimistic, negative, or criticizing thoughts. If you cannot cut them out, they will do you harm. On the road toward salvation, let questions arise but  never doubts. If something is wrong, God will give you clarity but never doubts. 

• Avoid rush and haste and uncontrolled words. Divine light develops in places of peace and quiet. Be aware of that as you enter places of worship. 

• Be not so much concerned about what you do, but do what you do with all your heart, might, and strength. In thoroughness is satisfaction. 

• You want to be good and to do good. That is commendable. But the greatest achievement that can be reached in our lives is to be under the complete influence of the Holy Ghost. Then he will teach us what is really good and necessary to do. 

• The pain of sacrifice lasts only one moment. It is the fear of the pain of sacrifice that makes you hesitate to do it. 

• Be grateful for every opportunity to serve. It helps you more than those you serve.And finally, when you are compelled to give up something or when things that are dear to you are withdrawn from you, know that this is your lesson to be learned right now. But know also that, as you are learning this lesson, God wants to give you something better.

The "Just Becauses"

Lately the depression has been hitting me full force. It's weird how even though I remember how hard it was being depressed before (trust me- being at a point so low that you decide you are going to kill yourself is not something you easily forget) I forgot how awful it is in the moment.

Feeling so tired and irritable all the time and just empty and sad. Yuck. And having to put on a smile or at least just keep from crying in front of everyone all the time is exhausting. And being so tired all day and not being able to sleep one wink when it's actually time to go to sleep. And having the continuing feelings and thoughts that life really just isn't worth living, that it's just not worth the effort and what's the point anyway? (Scary! But yes I've been having those thoughts again).

BUT!!! And here's where I'd like to insert a big BUT!!! But the good thing is this time around I know who I am, I love myself, and I know how to at least try to seek help right now before it gets unmanageable. And something else I'm grateful for from this trial is that it's helped me to see all the good things in my life and realize how loved I am. How much others care about me and how much God loves me. I know God loves me because lately I've been on the receiving end of several just because gifts and notes. And let me tell you "just because" gifts and notes are my FAVORITE and God knows it. And He's letting me know that He loves me by prompting other people to give me those "just becauses" right now when it makes a huge difference. I'm grateful for people acting on a simple prompting when they don't even know that I'm going through a hard time right now.

And something else that means even more to me is when I confided in my friend Cara about feeling depressed again and being scared about what that all entailed. And she told me she had a psychiatrist friend who she would talk to and ask some advice. And then, THE VERY NEXT DAY she stopped by my house having talked to her psychiatrist friend and gave me a book, some advice, and some fish oil that her friend said would help. (I am trying a non-medication route at the moment....next stop an experiment in veganism...eeps!).

Anyway, my point is that sometimes life is hard. Things that happen or things we have to go through seem so overwhelming and like we just can't handle them. But we can. With the power of the atonement and the power of the priesthood, and the power that exists within our own beings and souls. We are strong and we are here to learn from this life. (Yes this life is worth living!) But it's oh so nice and oh so much better when we have loving friends to help us along the way. It's the smallest things that mean the most to me and encourage me to keep on trying and to keep on running even when I want to stop. :)

Drowning

Depression feels like drowning. You are struggling and you can't breathe but everyone around you wonders why you don't just pull yourself up out of the water. Why don't you just rescue yourself? Every once in a while you break through the surface and gasp that little bit of breath before heading back under. But you are just surviving and every moment is a struggle. It takes all of your energy just to stay alive but you are expected to act like everything is fine. Like you are lounging in an inner tube instead of drowning underneath the water. You still have to go about your day to day tasks and duties when you have no breath left and you have no energy. And everyone looks at you and wonders why you are so lazy and why can't you just get it together? Others who are coasting by on their floats and boats pass by you and wonder why you can't just float? It's only drowning. No big deal. There comes a point where you just want to stop the struggle to breathe and just give into the dark depths of the water. To just relax into the comfort of oblivion. To just give up and stop trying to fight.

But there is something that comes from this underwater struggle. All of that time spent underwater struggling to stay afloat and stay alive makes your muscles stronger. You are able to hold your breath underwater for longer periods of time. After spending all that time underwater you are able to see things more clearly through the seemingly murky water. You notice things the people who are busy floating above the water on their backs don't notice. You find treasures and pearls buried at the bottom of the ocean. 

I realized something important today. Well, maybe not so much realized as was just honest with myself. I have depression and anxiety and it is going to be something I will always struggle with my whole life. It is not my fault. It is no one's fault. It is a disease that I have. The very fortunate thing is that I no longer have clinical depression- which is something much much worse than "regular" run of the mill depression.

Something that I realized/decided today is that I do not have this because I am not doing things right in my life. It's also not because I am still "messed up" from what happened in my marriage and divorce. It's not because I need to keep going to counseling or therapy. The fact of the matter is that it is simply a disease that my brain has. The chemicals and/or lack thereof affect me about one or two weeks a month. I get enough sleep, I have good and healthy relationships, I have resolved most of my issues, I eat healthy foods and I exercise regularly. I have to face up to the fact that my body has a disease and that's ok. Sometimes I am just going to be sad for no reason. I read this in a blog recently and was struck by how true that it was for me as well.

"There's that phrase: you'll struggle with this for the rest of your life. And oh how I loathed that phrase and fought against that phrase and worked to make that phrase obsolete. But here, on the other side, I've come to realize it's not the eating disorder I may struggle with the rest of my life, but all the other things that I emptied into it. Fear and anxiety and a propensity to get sad. Startlingly deep emotional reactions that overwhelm and unnerve. Lack of confidence. Questions of worth." 

The really important thing I realized and decided today was that I have enough faith in Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father to know that there is a reason why I have this affliction. And I have enough trust and faith in Christ that I know that there is a purpose in my trials and weaknesses and afflictions. I am not suffering needlessly. I trust that there is a reason for this and that I can learn and grow from it. And I know that Heavenly Father loves me and wants me to be happy. I am trusting that He is doing what is best for me and that He knows what the big picture is that I can't see from my limited scope.

The good news is that I know how to deal with this depression and anxiety. I know how to keep things from getting too out of hand. I know what steps I need to take when it starts getting really bad. And I know that I will be okay. I am not sure yet if I want to get back on any medication because it is really REALLY hard to be dependent on medication and it's a scary thing. It was such a huge victory for me when I finally went off my medication. And this doesn't feel anywhere near as horrible and hellish as truly severe clinical depression. And you can't be on this medication when you are pregnant. And that's a goal of mine is to have children. I don't think I will be getting back on medication anytime soon.

I will continue to focus on helping and serving others. I got a new calling today on the compassionate service committee (there are two of us). I am very excited!!! It is one of my favorite callings and it uses some of the God given talents that I possess and some of the talents and things I have developed through having depression.

I will continue to look at this struggle as a blessing and as an opportunity for growth. Which to me means that the utter lack of hope and despair that usually accompanies depression is not present right now. And that is a very good sign. I am just very sad and emotional and tired a lot. And I have to do a lot more work fending off bad thoughts and self doubts that have been tripled lately. But I know I am strong enough and I will continue to do the things I need to do to be healthy spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically. I am grateful for all the things that are right and good and healthy in my life. I am so blessed and have so much.

Do Not Fear

“Wherefore, be of good cheer, and do not fear, for I the Lord am with you, and will stand by you; and ye shall bear record of me, even Jesus Christ, that I am the Son of the living God, that I was, that I am, and that I am to come” (D&C 68:6)

Lately I've been having a lot of fear about the future and it seems that Satan has really been attacking my weaknesses. Last week I was doing totally fine I went to the temple and enjoyed doing a session for my great great grandmother. And then the very next day I was sobbing in my room because I kept having these thoughts come into my mind. Things like, "no one really loves you Mary" and "no one really cares about you". "And it's because you are worthless". I was like HOLD UP ONE MINUTE! I know that's not true! I've been spending the last couple of years learning how that is not the case and learning that I am worth loving. But the thoughts kept coming with a great force and I tried to stand up against each thought but eventually got the wind knocked out of me and was reduced to sobbing on my bed.

Eventually I realized that it was Satan putting these thoughts in my mind. And I knew that they were not true but they are still great fears of mine and Satan knows that. I eventually decided to not let it get me down and tried to think of a way to do something good for someone else. I decided to work on sketching out a new painting for my friend and being creative helped me to calm down and feel much better.

I don't know why I keep getting buffeted by Satan making me so scared but I can only hope it means something really good is about to happen. And I am going to keep trying to do all the little seemingly inconsequential things that will keep me on track. Things like going to FHE, institute, and the temple every week, listening to a conference talk every morning, reading my scriptures during my lunch break, and running and training for my 5k next month. I am trying to reach out more to others and have made several new friends already this month. I will keep pushing forward no matter how much Satan tries to discourage me.

I also think saying your fears out loud can help diminish them and maybe just help reduce their power over you. Some of my greatest fears are:

That I will not be a good mother or I will hurt my children in some way.
That I will not enjoy being a mother and I will resent my children.
That my ex-husband was justified in his treatment of me and that he did the right thing in leaving me.
That I won't be happy with my future husband and that he will hurt me or not love me enough.
That I am not lovable or worth loving.
That I can't change.
That I am a bad person.

Whew. That is some vulnerability right there folks. Those are all very real fears but the wonderful thing is that I know (well mostly know...) that they are all not true. And if I trust in the Lord, and I keep His commandments and keep acting instead of being acted upon, I will be successful through all my trials and I can be with Heavenly Father again someday. And I can have happiness and joy in this life as well, no matter what happens, by the small choices I consistently make every day.

If you have some fears either lurking in the back of your mind or filling up your whole being I encourage you to say them out loud or write them down. You will see that they are lies. Pray to Heavenly Father about your fears and He will help quiet them. Face the future with faith and not fear.

P.S. I prayed that I would feel loved and like I mattered to one person in particular and that prayer was answered the very next day and all weekend. I love answers to prayers even when they are maybe dumb things to pray for.

P.P.S. Thanks to all my friends who are mothers who helped quiet a new fear of mine. All of your words and reassurances and testimonies helped me so much!

Wet hair and No Makeup

Sometimes you go for a run, and then you get all gross and sweaty and you rush to take a shower before heading to institute. And although it might cross your mind that you will be socializing afterwards, you don't really care that you don't have time to put on any makeup or dry your hair before running over to the church. And then you have a wonderful lesson about the temple and come out of class feeling so uplifted and happy you came to institute. And then a boy tells you that you "look really amazing tonight" and gives you a hug, even though you protest that you have wet hair and no makeup on. And well, sometimes it can just make your whole week. :) (Especially because it's followed up with Fro Zen Yo).

Occupation: Mother

Is it okay not to desire to have a career?

I've always wanted to be a mother for as long as I can remember. I always played with baby dolls growing up. I've felt the presence of my unborn children during those really crucial moments in my life. When I first got my patriarchal blessing  my favorite part was when it talked about the children I would bear in this lifetime, on this earth, and the things that I should teach them and do for them.

My major in college was not only something I was passionate about, it was teaching me how I could be a better mother both in theory and in practice. I have a Bachelor of Science in Home and Family Living. It is the science of families, how they are made up and how to run a home.

But since leaving school and heading out into "the real world" I feel so much pressure to have a career. Especially living here in D.C. The questions that are asked when I meet new people have switched from "so what's your major?" to "what are you doing here in D.C."? Meaning, what career do you have. It's kind of gone from what do you want to be when you grow up to what are you doing now as a grown up.

I know so many people who want to be a wonderful mother and also to have a career and I think that is wonderful. But I really want my career to be being a mother and staying home with my children. I feel a little guilty, a little judged, or that people think I am way too old-fashioned and not "with it".

A few weeks ago a new patient came in and I had the lady fill out a form with all her information. We have a line on the form asking where they work and what their occupation is. As I was putting her information in the computer I saw on her chart written next to "occupation" it said Mother. Not homemaker, not "stay-at-home-mom". Simply Mother. That simple declaration written on someone's medical chart, shot straight to my heart. Mother.
That's what I want to do too.

I do know that there are many great things that I will accomplish in this lifetime and there are many people who's lives I can better. There is a life mission I have that is completely unique to who I am. I know I will be a great leader and a teacher and a mighty worker with youth. These are all things that my patriarchal blessing tells me.  I know I will do things to make this world a little bit better. I just don't know that they will necessarily be big things. But it is by small and simple things that much good is brought forth. It is the small things that people have done for me that I remember and cherish the most.

What do I want to be when I grow up? A professional mother!

Everyone has Choices

Lately I've been kind of sad because some people very close to me are going through really hard times in their lives right now. I've been through what they've been through and that's why it hurts me knowing they have to suffer through that. I wish they didn't have to go through this pain but at the same time I know that I am grateful that I did and what I learned from it. It almost hurts more when it's happening to someone I love, rather than myself. Dang... and I can't even imagine what it's going to be like when I have kids and they have to go through really hard things. 

But there are some trials and some terrible, unspeakable things that people have to go through. And I've just been thinking about these tragedies and these horrible things that happen to innocent people. Children who have to go out in this very hard world and put on a brave face so no one knows anything is wrong, and then come home to a place that is nothing like a home. A place where they are abused and beaten down in every sense of the word. 

I've just been trying to reconcile this in my mind. I've been praying for understanding why people have to go through such awful things. It's just not fair, it's just not right. Why do I have the comfortable life I have and the Gospel and a good family and they don't? What do they have?

And then the answer came to me. "Everyone does have choices." Everyone has a choice to make. Even though awful things happen to people that they have no control over, they still have some type of choice. A choice to keep going. A choice to move on. A choice to ask for help. A choice to change. A choice to be happy. A choice to do something different. 

As I look back on the hardest times of my life and my lowest of lows, I think about the choices that I made at those very critical moments. I am happy to say I chose well and I am proud of the choices I've made. And I know Heavenly Father is proud of those choices as well. I know because that exact phrase was used in several priesthood blessings I've received. "Heavenly Father is proud of the choices you have made that have brought you to where you are now". 

I pray that I will always be able to make the choices that will lead me back to Heavenly Father and everlasting joy. 

A Freer Sky

"How much larger your life would be if [you] could become smaller in it. . . . You would begin to be interested in [others]. You would break out of this tiny . . . theatre in which your own little plot is always being played, and you would find yourself under a freer sky, in a street full of splendid strangers" (G.K. Chesterton).

This quote is my current goal. I didn't know how to express what I was feeling until I read this. But somehow I knew it was what I needed to do. I'm so glad I saw this quote today. I have been feeling stifled by myself, by my own tiny theatre as it were. I want a freer sky. 

So... I think I have PTSD when it comes to sealings in the temple. Ha. But seriously. I went to the temple last night with a couple of friends and we were just going to do initiatories but they were full so they asked us if we wanted to do sealings instead. Previously I had a bad experience doing sealings but I thought well that already happened so I'm probably over it now. Nope. I was proxy for the daughter and that was great but as soon as I knelt down to be proxy for the wife. I started freaking out inside. And I was having a physical reaction to the situation. I felt like I couldn't breathe and I felt anger and intense dislike towards the guy who was proxy for the husband. I didn't even know him! And it took everything I had just to get the word yes out. Inside my head I was screaming no no no!

We were there for two hours doing sealings because they had a lot of names that they really needed to get done and we didn't want to be rude and leave. I almost got up and walked out a few times but kept telling myself to just keep going for the sake of the people who have been waiting since the 1600's. And we were FINALLY done and I thought phewsh I did it. And then the sealer started talking about being sealed to your spouse and how sad it is when there is a temple divorce and how serious it is when someone breaks those covenants and of course I lost it. I started bawling. And you know guys, they just keep going and pretend like you're not even crying. It was so awkward! I walked out and I was really losing it and I felt so embarrassed because I couldn't stop sobbing.

I left the temple feeling even worse then when I went in and usually I look forward to the temple because I leave feeling so full of power and peace. Not this time. I'm struggling to understand what happened and why. It made me feel like maybe it's my fault that I was upset and maybe I didn't prepare well enough. Maybe I did something wrong to not have the feeling of peace and the spirit with me? I don't know. But I'm praying to understand. I am glad that I at least did something for those people that they couldn't do for themselves. But no more sealings for me. Not until it's my own.

Little Things that have Meant the Most

Falling asleep on my guy friend's couch. My roomie fell asleep on his other couch. They kind of had a thing going for each other at the time and I sneaked a peak as he covered her up with a blanket. I felt a sadness knowing that no guy would care enough to do that for me. (So dumb, but I really felt sad about it). And a minute later, he came back and covered ME with a blanket too! I don't think he'll ever know how much it meant to me that he treated me with the same respect and kindness as he treated my roommate, even though he wasn't interested in dating me.

Casually mentioning to a friend that I was sad that I had to miss out on my favorite flavor at Dairy Godmother because I was busy that night; and the flavor doesn't come around often. She bought me a WHOLE PINT! And brought it to my house in a cooler. Seriously the nicest thing ever.

The time when me and my "summer time gang" who did every thing together that summer were going to go to karaoke. I found out that I had to visit teach at the time they were leaving. I did not want to be left behind and Alyss offered to miss out on the fun and stay behind to hang out with me. Seriously?! I never had a friend offer to do something like that for me and it meant sooo much to me. I had been left out and behind in the dust by several "friends" before, and just for her to offer that really touched me. 

Playing board games, card games, and Ticket to Ride and Killer Bunnies with my brother Daniel at least twice a week when we were both at BYU. I totally look up to my brother Daniel (what younger sister doesn't love their big brother?) He would always drive me places in Provo because I didn't have a car and he would buy me groceries when I couldn't afford them and tell me not to pay him back. One time in particular he randomly came over with some food for me and took me on a ride up the canyon on his scooter. We picked out which houses we wanted to live in as we drove past. That is one of my favorite memories and I'm sure he doesn't even remember, but it is something I cherish.

There was a period of time where I received notes, cards, flowers, cookies, baked goods all delivered on my doorstep. Most of the notes were anonymous, some were from friends telling me how much they cared about me and how much they looked up to me. These were my darkest years and at the time, I didn't understand why I kept getting all of these little treats. I thought it was awesome, it made me feel really good, but it wasn't until a couple of years later that I realized the Lord was prompting these people to help me. And it really is the little card or note or treat that makes your whole day. 

The night that my ex-husband said he wanted a divorce I didn't call my mother. I couldn't call her because I hadn't really been talking to her (my ex pretty much cut me off from all friends and family). But earlier that day I was talking to my old Young Women's leader Kelly. She called out of the blue and asked how I REALLY was doing and I confessed to her some of the things that were going on. She told me it was an abusive situation, which had never occurred to me before. So when that same night my husband told me it was over and he was leaving me, I called Kelly. She didn't even hesitate. She had three little children and her husband was at work but she packed up her kids and drove 2 hours to come pick me up. I spent the night with her but my husband wanted to meet up one last time the next day. I didn't bring anything with me, I was wearing my sweats and a t-shirt. She wanted me to look my best so she took me out to buy some new clothes. If I didn't have her on that night, I would have been in even worse shape than I already was. She was and is an angel on earth. I love her and respect her so much. 

February 4th you are not my favorite

I don't think I'll ever like February 4th. It's been a long time since February 4th, 2005 and I am okay; thriving in fact. And yet, I still don't like this day. It's just hard because I can't help but reflect on that day when I, an 18 year old girl, was so happy. So blissfully unaware, still so child-like and trusting. So excited for what lay ahead of me. So ready to share an eternity with someone. I really am happy and okay with everything that's happened in the past. I just think that part of me will always be a little bit sad about everything that happened. I've never lost a very close loved one to death, so I don't know exactly how that feels. Divorce is when a marriage dies and part of me died during those difficult years as well. But the parts of me that died were able to be reborn into something--someone: better and stronger, more compassionate and courageous.

Yesterday was kind of a hard day for me. I mean really, I thought I was done with crying uncontrollably at church. Ha. And then I was just playing a primary hymn at home and I started sobbing so hard. For no reason. It's not that I'm really sad, I think my body just always goes through this every February. And the winter weather this time of year doesn't help. Why couldn't the worst month of my life have been in the summer?

But I think angels are with me today. As I was walking to work I was feeling all weepy again but then I felt something inside of me that gave me courage, peace, and happiness. It made me smile and walk with a pep in my step. I prayed last night that I would be able to have a better than usual day today. I think Heavenly Father is aware of me and He is blessing me with peace and happiness today. And I really do think angels are with me. :)

Chills of Happiness

It's getting closer and closer to the end of January already! But as I reflected on what my year was like in 2012, I came to some important realizations. For one thing, it was one of the best years I've had in a LONG time. As I was pondering why that would be I realized it was because of some of the following things:

1.) Friends (and family).
2.) The temple (and prayer).
3.) Being grateful.
4.) Trying and accomplishing very hard things. (And not always being successful the first time, the most important thing is to try and keep trying!)
5.) Loving myself.
6.) Acting and not being acted upon.

I made so many wonderful friends this year, quite a few of whom I hope to be lifelong friends with. At the beginning of the year in 2012 I received a priesthood blessing when I was sick that said that I would be "welcomed wherever I went" and that I would be able to form some lifelong friendships in my new ward. That was such a comfort to me since I didn't know anyone in my new ward! (Except for my friend Mark, he was the one who gave me the blessing). I had such amazing friends at BYU, I honestly couldn't fathom making too many new friends that were what I considered to be eternal friends. But I have and I get the feeling I will continue to have wonderful friendships no matter where I am in the world.

This year I decided to start attending the temple once a week. I wanted to because I felt like I didn't love going to the temple and I decided to start going until I did. It has really been a game changer in my life! Wow! More people should go!!!! But it's one of those things that you have to be very purposeful about because it is more than easy to not go. There is ALWAYS something that comes up or some excuse that you could make not to go. But the hard things in life are SIGNIFICANTLY easier to bear when you go. It's like you are given added strength and peace. I picture myself leaving the temple with extra "super powers". :)

This year I also noticed that I was just plain grateful. It didn't start out as a conscious decision to try to be more grateful, it's just something that I kept noticing again and again. I was just SO GRATEFUL for my plain  ordinary day to day life. And as I prayed to God in gratitude, I almost felt like he gave me the added gift of feeling even more grateful. What an awesome cycle! I truly am grateful for my life because I am healthy, I do not have depression, I love myself, and I have wonderful friends who love me. I am a hyper-aware person and on a lot of days I will just get chills of happiness. That's how I would describe it. Just when I'm sitting there at work and thinking "I'm grateful for my life right in this very moment" and then it will happen, I will get a chill of happiness that runs through my whole body. I am so grateful for the very hard and dark years that I went through so I can now appreciate the regular and ordinary everyday.

Doing things that I've never done before is pretty intimidating and riddles me with anxiety. The unknown can cause me to be short of breath from panicking. But when I feel a prompting of something I should do (even if I have to have that prompting two or three times...) I will always follow through...eventually. I have to work up to it but I will do it. I felt prompted to be healthier (actually I was told very plainly in a blessing) and to start running. It terrified me. But I am now a fledgling runner who will run my first 5k this year. Running was/is hard but it has taught me so so much; many things that have nothing to do with health.

So by far the biggest and most wonderful thing that happened this year was that I finally starting loving myself. Really and truly loving myself. I mean, that's a really big deal in case you were wondering. :) And it was only possible through the atonement of Jesus Christ. I honestly could not have done it alone. I had no idea how to even make it happen except to pour my heart out in earnest prayer over and over. It became something that I completely desired and was willing to do whatever I had to do to obtain that desire. And when it finally happened, I almost couldn't believe that it really happened the way that it did. But.. it did. And it is an experience I will never forget. It happened in the temple and was so special and sacred. I will always cherish that memory and feeling.

The last fun change for this past year was that instead of waiting for the "some day I'll", I started just doing things. Living my life, doing things that made me a little anxious. Putting myself out there more. Going on a lot more adventures. In the past my anxiety made it really hard to do anything except stay home where it was safe and comfortable. I wrote out a list of all the fun places I've visited in 2012 and the list was three pages long! I made a new list for 2013 and I am planning on checking off a lot of great new experiences. When I went home for Christmas, my old Young Women's adviser and mentor mentioned that (from what she could see on Facebook) that it really looked like I was living my life and having fun and just being happy. I was astounded that she could see all that from Facebook but I was grateful she validated the way I already felt. I'm glad that others can see my progress and change too and that I seem happier and more full of life.

So here's to 2013. I have a feeling it's going to be even better than last year!!!!

P.S. Sometime soon I'm going to do a post of a bunch of pictures from my travels and adventures and a whole lotta me (cuz I'm awesome!!!).