My Heavenly Father Loves Me

I have a hard time feeling love for myself and love from God on my behalf. But I always feel incredible peace and calm when I go for a walk and see and feel and experience all the beautiful things around me. I love nature and trees and going for a walk.

I've recently met with a therapist and realized that I still have a lot of anger and self-hatred towards myself. The good thing is that I have completely forgiven my ex-husband, but I don't think I've forgiven myself. I thought I was over the whole self-hatred thing, but honestly I'm really not.

Lately I've been praying to be able to feel and recognize Heavenly Father's love for me and to feel love for myself as well.

As many of you know, I love the Children's Primary Songs. Today, our ward choir performed the song, "My Heavenly Father Loves Me". I always thought it was weird/interesting how that's the name of the song even though I always pictured it in my head as "the nature song". After church I came home and was listening to it again and reading the lyrics.


MY HEAVENLY FATHER LOVES ME
Words and Music by Clara W. McMaster, b. 1904

Whenever I hear the song of a bird
Or look at the blue, blue sky,
Whenever I feel the rain on my face
Or the wind as it rushes by,
Whenever I touch a velvet rose
Or walk by a lilac tree,
I'm glad that I live in this beautiful world
Heavenly Father created for me.

He gave me my eyes that I might see
The color of butterfly wings.
He gave me my ears that I might hear
The magical sound of things.
He gave me my life, my mind, my heart:
I thank him reverently
For all his creations, of which I'm a part.
Yes, I know Heavenly Father loves me.

I realized that one reason why I love going on walks so much and enjoying nature and seeing all the beautiful things around me is because it is the way that I personally can feel God's love for me. It's a way that I allow myself to feel loved, even though I didn't recognize that what I was experiencing was God's love. I also like the second verse because it talks about how Heavenly Father gave us physical bodies to experience these things and to feel His love for us.

I also listened to the Primary Song "I Feel My Savior's Love". I've always loved that song and since I've been looking for ways to feel His love for me, I especially noticed the title of the song. I decided to read those lyrics as well to see how I could feel His love. The first verse says, "I feel my Savior's love, in all the world around me. His Spirit warms my soul, through everything I see." I thought it was so awesome because it also talks about feeling His love through looking at the world around you. I also loved in the last verse there's a line that says, "I feel my Savior's love, and know that he will bless me. I offer him my heart, My shepherd he will be."

The line "I offer him my heart" stood out to me so much. I have to offer Heavenly Father my heart so I can feel His love.

I know that Heavenly Father loves me and He wants me to be able to feel that love, but for a lot of complicated reasons, that I don't even really understand, I'm not allowing myself to feel that love. I feel like I don't deserve it. I can feel it more than I used to be able to and I know that I'm making progress, but I still have a ways to go. I'm going to try my hardest to come unto Christ, to apply the atonement in my life, and to "offer him my heart". It's not easy for me, because I guess I have a barrier built up around my heart so I don't get hurt again. But I really will be trying to work on this. Please pray for me that I can be successful in feeling love from God and for myself so I don't have to rely on others to feel like it's okay to love myself.

Cake Waffles, Croquet, Legwarmers, and Poetry

I had a really hard time on Saturday night. I felt so bad physically and emotionally after I binged. I felt depressed and lonely and hurt and angry. Really angry. I know I share a lot on this blog, but I'm not even going to rehash the reasons why I felt all those feelings. It's very personal and I just don't feel like sharing every single aspect of my life. The feelings have carried over throughout the weekend and are trying to cling to me. I feel like Satan really wants me to keep feeling this way and keep me from progressing. I'm not going to give him the satisfaction! 

Here are some things that have helped me feel better:

1.  My friend wrote this on my facebook wall. It's one of the nicest compliments I've ever gotten. For reals."Every time I talk to you I feel better about life. Every time. I think you just radiate hope and a love for life."      

 It hit me really hard when I read this just because when you are feeling depressed you can't feel any hope. And it reminded me that even though I've been feeling depressed this weekend, it's not a permanent thing like it used to be. And it reminded me that I do feel hope and other people can see that in me. It made me feel hopeful again, ironically enough! :)

and my other friend wrote this:  "I love your laugh, I love that you are always there for me, I love your empathy and compassion, I love that you always validate me when I need it. I love that you are a good listener, I love that you were always up for my crazy adventures, I love that I'm lucky enough that not only do you call me your friend, but we really are going to be friends forever. It's awesome. Once again: Love ya!!!"


I know gifts are my love language but words of affirmation is almost tied for first. :) I love hearing this stuff about myself because otherwise I honestly don't think people care or even notice, or it's stuff that I don't think is even true. But I need to hear it. 

2. My friend Ruth wrote me this poem: 

ODE TO MARY

Mary the merry, she is full of warmth and joy
Oh Mary Cherry, she'll find a lucky boy 
A real man he will be and he will see
her humor, pizazz, and loyalty
Her charms include her freckles and smile 
And oh, how I adore her lovely style!
Her bravery and strength truly inspire
Her kindness lifts everyone higher
Her presence exudes peace and serenity
I am blessed by our friendship now and eternally! 

3. This picture:

4. Cake waffles (from funfetti cake mix) with ice cream on top and croquet from my roommates who gave me a "birthday do-over" yesterday after church.

Me and the ladies playing croquet. Just ignore the fact that this is a hideous photo of me and admire all my lovely friends instead. This is one side of our yard (we have a lot of grass to mow!) 

5. I bought tickets with some friends and roommates to go see the musical "Beauty and the Beast" at the national theater. And we're also going to see a  Legwarmers concert (an 80's band) and rock out to 80's music!

6. The grace I've received from the Lord helping me feel more positive and strong. Giving me hope and strength that I can make it through! 

P.S. I'm starting the couch to 5K running program today. Yikes! Wish me luck! And thanks for all the birthday wishes and love everyone!!!! "I'm gonna make it after all!!!"

Changing Seasons

I was thinking about change today. No, not the pocket full of coins kind of change. You know, change. The one thing that is constant and that you can depend on.
I was watching a random movie where the woman got married just to get away from her family. The man she married loved her but she didn't love him. Throughout the movie, their relationship changed and she grew to love him deeply. And at the end of the movie... he dies of cholera. I wouldn't recommend watching this movie unless you like sad endings! (I wish I had known someone was going to die at the end because I wouldn't have even watched it!!!) But it made me think about my own marriage. I knew when we were going through such a difficult time that change was possible. I hoped that we could both change and stay together. I knew that we could both change for the better and that our marriage would be made even stronger because of the difficulties we had, if we overcame them.
Unfortunately the thing that did change was that we were no longer married to each other. Obviously now, I think this has been for the best. But I know that if we both tried hard and had real desire to make it work, that the Lord would have helped us.
And now my ex-husband is marrying another girl, woman. And through growth and change, he is hopefully different and they can have a happy and successful marriage.
I have changed more over the past six years than any other time in my life. I sometimes don't even remember who I used to be before I got married. But the interesting thing is that even though I have changed drastically, there is still the core of myself that has remained the same. My spirit has remained the same. I just keep uncovering more of myself and getting to know who I am even better.
But even though I believe my spirit has always been the same, I have still been able to change for the better. I believe I can be better every single day.
And this past year (yes I know it's not over yet... this year so far) has been a year of a lot of changes for the better. I was put in a new situation that caused me to really look honestly at who I was. I've learned so many new things from being here in D.C. I've made many changes that I've been wanting and praying to make for several years.
It didn't happen overnight. But I believe we can all change for the better if we truly desire it and if we are willing to do whatever it takes to make these changes. They can be very painful and seem impossible. But with God's help, we can make them.
I also know that sometimes the most painful changes are things we have to experience in order to achieve the kind of change that is the best for us. To achieve the change of becoming our best selves. We can't see the big and complete picture but God can. I know that He has been leading me down this road of changing to help me find the me that has been inside the whole time.
Another change that I'm so looking forward to is the changing of the seasons. I LOVE FALL!!! Every new change is a fresh start and you can do whatever you want with it. Making new changes every day is a wonderful thing. But the stability of the gospel, family, and loved ones makes all the changes more doable and less scary.
I'm not very eloquent and not the best writer. And I know scores of people have written way more beautifully and truthfully than me about change before. But it was just something I was thinking about today.
Change is scary when you think about the things you love now being taken away or diminished. But there is always the opportunity for change for the better. And that is always worth it.
I'm so excited for the change that is in store for me in the future. It's gonna be totally awesome.

Talents and Trials

I always feel somehow before I write a new blog post that something in me is shifting and changing. And I try to understand the things that I'm feeling and understand the new thoughts in my head. And when I finally think I understand this new part of me that I've discovered, I try to share it through writing on my blog.

Some things I've been thinking about lately are the different trials that everyone goes through. And why? Well obviously there are many different reasons as to why people go through trials but I was thinking about why that specific trial for that specific person? What if my big trial in life (so far) wasn't divorce and depression? What if I lost my parents? What if I was raped or sexually abused as a child? What if I got really really sick? What if I had same-gender attraction? These are all trials that I've had close friends go through. And in many cases they think my trial was harder and I think theirs would have been more difficult to go through.
The reason for that is probably because when you go through a really hard trial and you actually make it through, you know that you can do it simply because you've already done it.

But if someone told me when I was 18 what was going to happen to me I know that I would have thought there was no way I could go through that. But the point is I did. And when you have a hardship facing you in life your only choice is to make it through. You never know how courageous and strong you can be until you have no other choice. However, one choice you do have in regards to trials is how you will react. And the only way that I made it through was by turning towards God rather than away from Him.

But I am still trying to digest why we each have our own different trials. The Lord knows what we can handle and what is best for us but it makes me wonder more about who we all were before this life. Were there some innate qualities inside my spirit that qualified me to go through my trials? I'm starting to learn that there really are some qualities that I have that make me unique.

Sometimes when we think of talents we completely overlook some really amazing talents in favor of lauding those who have the obvious talents of music, dancing, singing, performing. But I'm learning that even if I don't have really obvious talents, I still have really awesome and admiral qualities that others might wish they had. I will forgo listing these talents.... okay okay I'll list them! Just don't think I'm being full of myself or vain. It took me a while to figure out these talents and to believe others when they kept telling me I had them.

I am funny (I really never believed anyone who told me that until my friend Heather told me I was funny because I think she is one of the funniest people ever!). I am sincere. I am kind and considerate. I notice little things about people and I'm observant of others needs and feelings. I am a good friend. I am sensitive to the promptings of the Spirit. I am compassionate and empathetic and can relate very well to others. And I am happy and fun to be around. (This last quality is one that I am proud of because I'm so relieved to not be depressed anymore!!!) But apparently I am not very humble...?

I think I developed most of these qualities because of the trials I went through but I wonder if they were just there to begin with when I was just an intelligence and a spirit? We all have the ability to someday become like God but surely our spirits were all different and unique? I guess it comes down to the fact that God gives us/gave us different talents and we can develop every talent eventually in the eternities. And hopefully quite a few in this lifetime as well.

My heart aches for some of the trials that others have to go through. And I can't imagine ever going through them. And I wonder why God allows that kind of suffering. But I always remember that God is the reason why I made it through my trial because He helped me through. And because we have the atonement, everything will be justified and made right in the end. And I trust in the Lord enough to know that He knows the reason for people's trials even if I can't comprehend them.

So I don't know if talents and trials are at all connected but it's something I've been thinking about lately.