The Miracle of Forgiveness

Wow. Just...wow. I'm stunned and shocked right now. Something huge has happened. Something amazing. It feels weird but wonderful!!! I'm not being very articulate right now because it's hard to describe. I don't really know if it's appropriate for me to write about this on my blog. But it's such an immense blessing and huge change in my life that I feel like it goes right along with my quest for beauty and change for the better that I've been on. I do want to share it. So.... I'll try to write this in a way that will be understandable.

I recently found out that my ex-husband wants to get a cancellation of our temple sealing. A temple divorce if you will. He's going to be remarried. When I found this out I was really upset. Way more upset than I expected or wanted to be. I mean for goodness sakes it has been five years since we've been divorced why couldn't I just move on? I felt like a lot of really unfair things happened to me in our marriage. And that I was treated unfairly. And that no punishment was given to Tyler for how he treated me. Which made me question myself. This made me feel like I was a bad person. I was severely depressed for years, a few times suicidal. I had a lot of emotional issues I was dealing with. Basically I've been a huge mess for the past 6 years but gradually growing and getting better over time.
In my head I felt like yeah I'm totally okay now. What happened sucked, but I'm better off because of it. But I still felt like it wasn't fair and I was just trying to be the better person I so obviously was. Haha.

You know when you're just lying to yourself, but yet you still try to pretend that you really feel a certain way? Yeah, that was me. Oh of course I don't care about it. I'm so over that! But really I was secretly hoping that my ex's life would turn out badly because I felt that his actions towards me would be punished in some way. I was hoping his "true colors" would come out so everyone would see the person that I saw in our marriage. I didn't really want to accept the fact that I had a part in the failure of our marriage. I felt like I was the victim. I'm still not sure about who's to blame really. I know that I really was treated unfairly. But the one thing I know is that I didn't want to give up on our temple marriage. However, Tyler did.

I've been swinging from one extreme to the other this whole time. I would go from "I didn't have anything to do with this divorce, I was just stupid enough to pick a bad husband" to "It was all my fault. I should have done a better job being a wife". I couldn't really stay in the middle. That's a problem I have. I'm an extremist! (I really am working on it though!)

Well, I've been okay with just trying to move on with my life lately but in the back of my mind I still felt that my ex-husband was a real sleaze bag. I still felt like I was bearing the cross of a wife who was mistreated. I had moved on but I still had bad feelings towards my ex-husband.

I was thinking about what I would write in the letter to the First Presidency telling them what had happened. It was finally my chance to tell someone the injustices that I had been through and they would know that I was telling the truth. They would know that I wasn't lying because they have the gifts of discernment and the spirit. But I was still worried about what to write. I was confused about how I should be feeling. I was talking to my dad and he asked me, "If you could have any outcome in this situation, what would you want it to be?" The first thought that crossed my mind was that I didn't want Tyler getting remarried in the temple because he didn't deserve it. He finally needed to be accountable for what he did to me. But I went and got a blessing from my bishop. And I continued thinking about the question my dad asked me. What did I really want? I looked deep inside of myself. The kind of deepness where you are completely honest with yourself with no excuses. And this is where the miracle comes in. The thing I found there and what I whispered to myself was, "I want Tyler to be happy". And I was shocked that I really meant it. And as soon as I realized that I really meant it, all of the bad and unfair things that I was holding on to, all the bad things that I associated with my ex-husband passed through my head like a movie. And they all floated away and disappeared. (This sounds really cheesy and cliche but I don't know how else to describe it.) I felt like I could breathe again and that a huge weight had been lifted off of my chest. (Yes, very trite but I guess there's a reason why these phrases get used so much... because that's how it really felt!!!)

So there you have it. It's finally here. I finally feel like it's okay to forgive my ex-husband 100%. Yes what happened really sucked. It was extremely hard. But I was strong enough to get through it with Heavenly Father's help. I am a better person now. I have learned so much from the whole experience of marriage, abuse, depression, divorce. And the latest lesson I've been learning is that miracles really do still happen. Because (and excuse my language) there is no way in hell I would have really wanted my ex-husband to be happy on my own. Heavenly Father answered my prayers that I would be able to forgive Tyler and move on completely. It has certainly been a journey.

I just wanted to share this with my blog readers because maybe it will inspire you guys to not give up and to truly believe that all things are possible through the atonement and through Christ. I know this is a really really personal thing and I'm not trying to treat it lightly by writing about it on here. As you all know, I am just really honest. So I am sharing it with all of you. And I'm happy to know what I will be writing to the First Presidency. :)