The "Just Becauses"

Lately the depression has been hitting me full force. It's weird how even though I remember how hard it was being depressed before (trust me- being at a point so low that you decide you are going to kill yourself is not something you easily forget) I forgot how awful it is in the moment.

Feeling so tired and irritable all the time and just empty and sad. Yuck. And having to put on a smile or at least just keep from crying in front of everyone all the time is exhausting. And being so tired all day and not being able to sleep one wink when it's actually time to go to sleep. And having the continuing feelings and thoughts that life really just isn't worth living, that it's just not worth the effort and what's the point anyway? (Scary! But yes I've been having those thoughts again).

BUT!!! And here's where I'd like to insert a big BUT!!! But the good thing is this time around I know who I am, I love myself, and I know how to at least try to seek help right now before it gets unmanageable. And something else I'm grateful for from this trial is that it's helped me to see all the good things in my life and realize how loved I am. How much others care about me and how much God loves me. I know God loves me because lately I've been on the receiving end of several just because gifts and notes. And let me tell you "just because" gifts and notes are my FAVORITE and God knows it. And He's letting me know that He loves me by prompting other people to give me those "just becauses" right now when it makes a huge difference. I'm grateful for people acting on a simple prompting when they don't even know that I'm going through a hard time right now.

And something else that means even more to me is when I confided in my friend Cara about feeling depressed again and being scared about what that all entailed. And she told me she had a psychiatrist friend who she would talk to and ask some advice. And then, THE VERY NEXT DAY she stopped by my house having talked to her psychiatrist friend and gave me a book, some advice, and some fish oil that her friend said would help. (I am trying a non-medication route at the moment....next stop an experiment in veganism...eeps!).

Anyway, my point is that sometimes life is hard. Things that happen or things we have to go through seem so overwhelming and like we just can't handle them. But we can. With the power of the atonement and the power of the priesthood, and the power that exists within our own beings and souls. We are strong and we are here to learn from this life. (Yes this life is worth living!) But it's oh so nice and oh so much better when we have loving friends to help us along the way. It's the smallest things that mean the most to me and encourage me to keep on trying and to keep on running even when I want to stop. :)