Do you know what the best kinds of days are? The days when you are able to not only have several realizations that change your outlook on life, but you are also able to make a permanent shift. I'm never quite certain whether these shifts happen in your brain, your soul, or your heart. Maybe all three? Maybe your whole being? I'm also of the opinion that while these shifts can happen in one moment and very suddenly, they take weeks, months, maybe even years to build up to that moment. One rather unpleasant thing about these shifts, is that they tend to happen after intense moments of pain. But the pain is worth it because the shifts are permanent. Do you know what I mean what I say "shift"? Have you ever experienced one for yourself? A shift is when you realize that the way you've been looking at something has been wrong this whole time. And the shift happens when you realize the truth. Truth is very freeing but also can be painful.
I didn't start out the day thinking that a shift was going to happen. I went to church, bore my testimony, got to participate in a great Young Women's lesson, felt uplifted and happy. I started walking home from church. I noticed how beautiful the fall day was and how great it felt outside. I tied up my scriptures in my scarf and happily swung them as I walked. I thanked God for the day and how I was feeling. And then I decided to call my mom. I found out that my ex-husband had gotten permission from the First Presidency to be sealed to someone else in addition to me. I've known for months that this was a possibility. But I guess I wasn't prepared for how I would feel when I found out.
I cried for an hour. I haven't felt so much pain in a really long time. It was kind of wonderful in a way. To be able to forget how it felt. To have not felt that way in so long, to have forgotten how I used to feel that much pain every single hour of every single day for years. The reason I felt so upset was because it made me start to doubt myself again. "Maybe he was right. He had to leave you because you were awful. It was your fault. You deserved to be left. You weren't a good wife. If the First Presidency is allowing him to be sealed again then everything he did and said was right and you deserved all the pain you felt. Why will he never have to feel any of the consequences of what he did?" (Yeah, pretty intense how deep my self-loathing can go...) Another part of my brain that I have been able to develop over these past few years was saying, "Mary, don't listen to that! You know that's not true. You are good enough!" But I let the doubting part of me take over. I knew that I needed help. I made a few calls and arranged to receive a priesthood blessing.
As I received a blessing of comfort, I was oddly enough not feeling comforted! I was confused because priesthood blessings always make me feel better. One of the things the blessing said was that I would be given as many blessings from the Lord as I was willing to receive. I realized that I only didn't feel comforted and loved because I wasn't allowing myself to. Just think of it! I was not even allowing myself to feel God's love. But as I became aware of this fact I realized that God was giving me the choice to receive comfort or not. He wasn't just giving it to me. And with that choice He was giving me yet another opportunity to grow and become stronger. The blessing also said that He knows me better than I know myself. He knows how wonderful I am even if I don't.
So the shift that happened to me today was that I learned that I'm the only one who holds myself back. No one else can hold me back. Not my ex-husband. Not people who may say or do unkind things to me. Just myself. I'm the only one who's keeping myself from being amazing, better, loved, good enough. And realizing that gave me power. I have the power to free myself from myself. Does that make any sense? God can give me anything, but I have to be willing to accept it.
Anyway, after I had that wonderful shift and realized that wonderful truth about myself, I started to feel renewed and reinvigorated. That part of my life is over and I don't need to let any doubt linger. And it's okay that my ex is getting married again. It's a happy thing for him. He gets a second chance and I'm happy that I will also be getting a second chance in the future. I don't have to worry about who was right or wrong in the marriage. It's over. I've learned from it and I'm better because of it. And I can feel comfortable in the choices that I made and the covenants that I've kept.
I'm going to live up to my potential.
Finding beauty in myself and others.
6 comments:
I've found that when we're open about painful things, we're able overcome them more fully. Being closed off can be a form of hiding, and we tend to hide things we're ashamed of--feelings, guilt, ideas, even our own selves at times. I'm glad I got to see you a little bit more through this, and that you are willing to open up and embrace the fact that you have insurmountable potential. You wouldn't be the wonderful woman you are today without your past, and you never would have had such a fantastic epiphany without it either. I'm excited to continue to see the lovely lady you're growing into. Thanks for your inspiring words. <3
I think "shift" is a good term for it. That's how it feels for me, and you're right - a lot of times it, or the process of getting to it, is painful. But I think that I've always proved that the learning you gain from it is worth whatever you go through to get to it.
I think your shift is a most profound one - realizing that God can give, but it's up to us to receive. It seems so basic, but I think oftentimes those are the hardest things to really grasp.
You are such an awesome person. Thanks for sharing this. :) :)
I am so grateful that you had this "paradigm shift' (That's what Steven R Covey calls it) I could have said these things to you and it would not have helped. You needed to have this awesome experience of going through this process of learning. Your dad just told me how amazed he is that you seem to be more spiritually in tune these days. We take great comfort in that and pray that things continue to fall into place for you.
You've had quite the weekend. Keep it up my dear friend.
I'm always amazed at how often I get in my own way. And too at how often I insist on holding onto things that are not necessary or healthy for me. It feels so good to let go and let God in. Shift is a very good term for it.
Mary, you are awesome. I'm still amazed by your strength and faith when I read posts like this. Keep it up!
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