My Quest for Beauty

I realized something important today. Well, maybe not so much realized as was just honest with myself. I have depression and anxiety and it is going to be something I will always struggle with my whole life. It is not my fault. It is no one's fault. It is a disease that I have. The very fortunate thing is that I no longer have clinical depression- which is something much much worse than "regular" run of the mill depression.

Something that I realized/decided today is that I do not have this because I am not doing things right in my life. It's also not because I am still "messed up" from what happened in my marriage and divorce. It's not because I need to keep going to counseling or therapy. The fact of the matter is that it is simply a disease that my brain has. The chemicals and/or lack thereof affect me about one or two weeks a month. I get enough sleep, I have good and healthy relationships, I have resolved most of my issues, I eat healthy foods and I exercise regularly. I have to face up to the fact that my body has a disease and that's ok. Sometimes I am just going to be sad for no reason. I read this in a blog recently and was struck by how true that it was for me as well.

"There's that phrase: you'll struggle with this for the rest of your life. And oh how I loathed that phrase and fought against that phrase and worked to make that phrase obsolete. But here, on the other side, I've come to realize it's not the eating disorder I may struggle with the rest of my life, but all the other things that I emptied into it. Fear and anxiety and a propensity to get sad. Startlingly deep emotional reactions that overwhelm and unnerve. Lack of confidence. Questions of worth." 

The really important thing I realized and decided today was that I have enough faith in Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father to know that there is a reason why I have this affliction. And I have enough trust and faith in Christ that I know that there is a purpose in my trials and weaknesses and afflictions. I am not suffering needlessly. I trust that there is a reason for this and that I can learn and grow from it. And I know that Heavenly Father loves me and wants me to be happy. I am trusting that He is doing what is best for me and that He knows what the big picture is that I can't see from my limited scope.

The good news is that I know how to deal with this depression and anxiety. I know how to keep things from getting too out of hand. I know what steps I need to take when it starts getting really bad. And I know that I will be okay. I am not sure yet if I want to get back on any medication because it is really REALLY hard to be dependent on medication and it's a scary thing. It was such a huge victory for me when I finally went off my medication. And this doesn't feel anywhere near as horrible and hellish as truly severe clinical depression. And you can't be on this medication when you are pregnant. And that's a goal of mine is to have children. I don't think I will be getting back on medication anytime soon.

I will continue to focus on helping and serving others. I got a new calling today on the compassionate service committee (there are two of us). I am very excited!!! It is one of my favorite callings and it uses some of the God given talents that I possess and some of the talents and things I have developed through having depression.

I will continue to look at this struggle as a blessing and as an opportunity for growth. Which to me means that the utter lack of hope and despair that usually accompanies depression is not present right now. And that is a very good sign. I am just very sad and emotional and tired a lot. And I have to do a lot more work fending off bad thoughts and self doubts that have been tripled lately. But I know I am strong enough and I will continue to do the things I need to do to be healthy spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically. I am grateful for all the things that are right and good and healthy in my life. I am so blessed and have so much.