So... I think I have PTSD when it comes to sealings in the temple. Ha. But seriously. I went to the temple last night with a couple of friends and we were just going to do initiatories but they were full so they asked us if we wanted to do sealings instead. Previously I had a bad experience doing sealings but I thought well that already happened so I'm probably over it now. Nope. I was proxy for the daughter and that was great but as soon as I knelt down to be proxy for the wife. I started freaking out inside. And I was having a physical reaction to the situation. I felt like I couldn't breathe and I felt anger and intense dislike towards the guy who was proxy for the husband. I didn't even know him! And it took everything I had just to get the word yes out. Inside my head I was screaming no no no!
We were there for two hours doing sealings because they had a lot of names that they really needed to get done and we didn't want to be rude and leave. I almost got up and walked out a few times but kept telling myself to just keep going for the sake of the people who have been waiting since the 1600's. And we were FINALLY done and I thought phewsh I did it. And then the sealer started talking about being sealed to your spouse and how sad it is when there is a temple divorce and how serious it is when someone breaks those covenants and of course I lost it. I started bawling. And you know guys, they just keep going and pretend like you're not even crying. It was so awkward! I walked out and I was really losing it and I felt so embarrassed because I couldn't stop sobbing.
I left the temple feeling even worse then when I went in and usually I look forward to the temple because I leave feeling so full of power and peace. Not this time. I'm struggling to understand what happened and why. It made me feel like maybe it's my fault that I was upset and maybe I didn't prepare well enough. Maybe I did something wrong to not have the feeling of peace and the spirit with me? I don't know. But I'm praying to understand. I am glad that I at least did something for those people that they couldn't do for themselves. But no more sealings for me. Not until it's my own.
Finding beauty in myself and others.
2 comments:
Ohhh my goodness. Totally not your fault. Totally not because you weren't "spiritual" enough. I would have left. And I'm sorry the guy didn't stop when you were crying... He probably thought it was the Spirit, but of course, emotions can make you cry too.
You are very strong to have done that. I wouldn't have. Way to put your sisters ahead of you. You are amazing.
I have had temple workers who can be a little rude or presumptuous in the things they say..without intending to do so. My skirt was apparently tucked into underwear and I was lectured by an older woman the last time I went in...and I was just mortified my underwear was showing and that she thought I had been purposely immodest.
Have you gone to counseling since your divorce? I go to counseling for PTSD and I wouldn't want to have your next sealing (your wedding) be a spot where you are triggered.
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