Addictions

I was talking to a guy in my ward tonight at FHE and somehow our conversation turned to addictions. (I'm pretty sure we were supposed to have this conversation). He told me that he's struggled and is still struggling with an addiction to pornography. Now, I've had my strong ideas about guys are are addicted to pornography in the past. I think I had a right to feel that way. But I'm happy to say that my attitude is changing. I used to say, "I will never marry anyone who has EVER had a problem with pornography". Then I changed it to, "I would marry someone who had a small problem with but who overcame it and has since not been addicted for a few years". But I think my thinking with that was still flawed. People have issues. People have addictions. Who's to say one addiction is worse than another?

The thing that really stuck out to me about this guy was his attitude. He has such a great attitude about the whole thing. He is really trying. He has sought a lot of help. He is open and honest, not only to me but with himself. It was just really refreshing and inspiring to see. He said he tells the girls he dates within even the second date because that's who he is and he's upfront about it. He said that as he shares with others a little bit of the shame he feels is lost. And when he shares with someone that he really admires and likes and wants to impress (a girlfriend) and they react in a way that is not repulsion, with respect and concern and love; even more of the shame is lifted and he feels like he can overcome. And that's how I felt when he shared with me in a straightforward and honest way. I felt respect towards him and I didn't think, "ew how disgusting, I don't ever want to talk to this guy again". I felt like I could also share problems I have with him. And I want to share on this blog as well.

I also have an addiction. And I haven't always been able to admit to myself that it really is a problem. But there is a great deal of shame involved and I want to let go of that and change. I have an addiction to food and I have an eating disorder, compulsive overeating. It's really hard for me to even type this. I know people reading this aren't really surprised, it's pretty obvious... but it's hard to admit to myself. It's hard to say, yeah I do have a problem and this is specifically the problem I have. It's been a problem ever since during my marriage when things were really hard with my ex-husband. I turned to food to fill the void and emptiness I felt inside. I guess everyone self-medicates in different ways to varying degrees. But this is what I turned to. It's been a problem for the past six years. It's hard for me to write this knowing that people are going to read it. I'm worried people will read this and think, "that is so disgusting. How could you do that to yourself?" Or, "why can't you just show some self-control and not do it? How hard is it to be healthy?" But after tonight I feel inspired to start sharing, and to let go of the shame. It doesn't make me a bad person, it makes me a flawed person. And everyone has flaws.

I'm about to embark on a new phase in my life. I know it will be very difficult but it's been a long time coming and I'm ready to make a change. Even just following the prompting to openly write about this has convinced me that I'm ready and willing to do whatever it takes. I've admitted this problem to myself for the past year or so but I haven't been ready to give it up until now. As cliche as it is, admitting you have a problem is the hardest part... because some people will never admit that they have a problem. Now I've admitted it to myself and I'm willing to change. Yes I am scared of failure, but this time I'm not going to allow that to keep me from taking the first step. I'm going to a food addicts anonymous meeting next week. This is something I've been praying about for a while. I've just been wondering how to actually take the first step to change. And the Lord answered my prayer through a few different people in the past two weeks. I'm so grateful for the answer to my prayers.

I've also been learning more about the atonement and what grace means. Grace through the atonement is a strengthening and enabling power. So it is by the grace of God that we are saved after all we can do. I still have to do my part and try my hardest to overcome this addiction, but I would never be able to do it alone. Through the atonement, the added strength and power God will give me, will be what helps me to overcome in the end. And I've been assured that this is something I will be able to overcome. And because I've overcome other extremely hard trials in the past (depression and being able to forgive my ex-husband), I know I can do this as well-- through the grace of God, after all that I can do.