It's a Gift, Right?

(Don't worry, this is just a reenactment of my "ugly face cry", I am not going to the bathroom in this pic. Ha!)


They say that the ability to weep is a gift. Who "they" is exactly I'm not sure... One of my religious professors at BYU showed the class a quote once of spiritual gifts that we don't usually talk about. The ability to weep was one of them. After hearing that crying could be considered a spiritual gift I took that idea and held on tight. I decided to let it be my consolation. Because if crying is a spiritual gift, then I must be an angel by now.
It seems like no the matter what the situation is I only have two different reactions: to laugh (which I infinitely prefer!) or to cry.

When my friends threw me a surprise going away party last year... I cried. Big time. Everyone was like "is she for real?" It got real awkward real fast. It wasn't just oh I have tears running down my cheeks. It was sobbing. And then people were like "oh but these are happy tears right?" *awkward silence* No! They were not happy tears!!
When I woke up after having surgery for the first time... I was crying for about an hour! (The second time I had surgery... I was on the opposite end laughing my head off).
When I got engaged... I cried. When I got divorced... I cried (that one's a big duh). And then I cried non-stop for approximately two years.
When I'm really happy... you guessed it! I cry! When I'm sad... I cry. The worst is when you cry when you're angry. (Which obviously I do). It sucks because you're so mad and you don't want to be all vulnerable but you can't stop the tears.
On Tuesday right after the fun earthquake here, I cried. I cry during movies, books, when someone else is crying. That time of the month brings on extra crying. The fact that I'm a girl probably contributes to the amount of crying I do. I also cry with people, I cry because of people. CRY CRY CRYBABY!!!!

Now, if you know me at all, you know that I do actually laugh quite a bit as well. I'm pretty sure that I've laughed so hard before that I started crying. And as the lovely Dolly Parton says, "laughter through tears is my favorite emotion". I agree. The feeling of being really sad and crying and then someone or something making you laugh in spite of your tears is the best feeling ever. It's such a relief. I don't know how to explain it, but if you've ever experienced it you know what I mean.

I may never know why I cry so much. If it's really a gift, then I am so blessed. :) And it's okay. It makes me human. I'm sensitive and compassionate and if you ever want a shoulder to cry on... or better yet someone who will sob with you- then I'm your gal! And you know what I do even better than crying? LAUGHING!!!!!!!!!!!! Hahahahaha! (Cue wheeze laugh) And throw in a couple of snorts for good measure.

Changing Seasons

I was thinking about change today. No, not the pocket full of coins kind of change. You know, change. The one thing that is constant and that you can depend on.
I was watching a random movie where the woman got married just to get away from her family. The man she married loved her but she didn't love him. Throughout the movie, their relationship changed and she grew to love him deeply. And at the end of the movie... he dies of cholera. I wouldn't recommend watching this movie unless you like sad endings! (I wish I had known someone was going to die at the end because I wouldn't have even watched it!!!) But it made me think about my own marriage. I knew when we were going through such a difficult time that change was possible. I hoped that we could both change and stay together. I knew that we could both change for the better and that our marriage would be made even stronger because of the difficulties we had, if we overcame them.
Unfortunately the thing that did change was that we were no longer married to each other. Obviously now, I think this has been for the best. But I know that if we both tried hard and had real desire to make it work, that the Lord would have helped us.
And now my ex-husband is marrying another girl, woman. And through growth and change, he is hopefully different and they can have a happy and successful marriage.
I have changed more over the past six years than any other time in my life. I sometimes don't even remember who I used to be before I got married. But the interesting thing is that even though I have changed drastically, there is still the core of myself that has remained the same. My spirit has remained the same. I just keep uncovering more of myself and getting to know who I am even better.
But even though I believe my spirit has always been the same, I have still been able to change for the better. I believe I can be better every single day.
And this past year (yes I know it's not over yet... this year so far) has been a year of a lot of changes for the better. I was put in a new situation that caused me to really look honestly at who I was. I've learned so many new things from being here in D.C. I've made many changes that I've been wanting and praying to make for several years.
It didn't happen overnight. But I believe we can all change for the better if we truly desire it and if we are willing to do whatever it takes to make these changes. They can be very painful and seem impossible. But with God's help, we can make them.
I also know that sometimes the most painful changes are things we have to experience in order to achieve the kind of change that is the best for us. To achieve the change of becoming our best selves. We can't see the big and complete picture but God can. I know that He has been leading me down this road of changing to help me find the me that has been inside the whole time.
Another change that I'm so looking forward to is the changing of the seasons. I LOVE FALL!!! Every new change is a fresh start and you can do whatever you want with it. Making new changes every day is a wonderful thing. But the stability of the gospel, family, and loved ones makes all the changes more doable and less scary.
I'm not very eloquent and not the best writer. And I know scores of people have written way more beautifully and truthfully than me about change before. But it was just something I was thinking about today.
Change is scary when you think about the things you love now being taken away or diminished. But there is always the opportunity for change for the better. And that is always worth it.
I'm so excited for the change that is in store for me in the future. It's gonna be totally awesome.

Home is Wherever I'm With You

Sometimes visiting with friends can be really sad. I know that sounds really weird because I've had so much fun in Provo with my besties this week. But at times when we were all laughing and having so much fun I would be sad knowing that it wasn't going to last. Another weird thing is that D.C. has finally started feeling like "home". But this time when I visited Provo for some reason it felt like I was living here again. I keep having to remind myself I have to go to the airport tomorrow and fly back to D.C. Provo is just such a part of me and I know the "Provo Mary" so well. The D.C. Mary is a little more reserved and shy still. I wish I had all the confidence in D.C. that I feel here in Provo. I guess that's why I've been able to grow and learn so much in D.C. because I was out of my comfort zone. Part of me wonders can I ever move back to Provo? Or would that be moving backwards? I don't know. I'm still trying to figure out my next move. What comes next after the D.C. chapter in my life? I guess I'll just keep trying to find out. I know the Lord will direct me to where I should go but I have to actually do some work to figure it out. He's not just going to magically tell me what to do. I have to do some digging. Whatever I end up doing and wherever I end up going, I hope I make more marvelous friends along the way.

Here are some pictures of a bonfire I went to the same day that I got my wisdom teeth out... Yeah I'm hard core!
Warning: I'm extra crazy/silly around these particular friends.

Here are a couple of late night mustache videos... Yeah... we're awesome.

I mustache you a question...

...but I'll shave if for later. Muwahahaha! I'm so clever and witty! (Yeah, I didn't come up with that line but it's pretty awesome). Well tomorrow I'm headed to Tennessee to see my family. Usually I only get to go home once a year for Christmas so this is a nice change. I'm staying in Tennessee for a week and then I'm headed to Utah for a week. I'll be in Provo just hanging out with my really awesome, wonderful, amazing, delightful friends! I've made a few friends here in D.C. and I'm really grateful for them. However, Provo just happens to have several people dear to my heart. And these people know me really really well. They have seen me at my very worst (which a couple of years ago was really really really bad....) They have seen my triumphs and successes and my growth. I feel like I can be 100 percent myself when I'm with these people. I feel like I haven't been able to be like that since the last time I went to Utah in April. I feel like a week at home with my family who loves and accepts me and a week with my wonderful friends will renew me and get me through the rest of this year until I get to go home again for Christmas. It's just so refreshing to be able to be yourself with no restraints and holding nothing back. I feel like I'll be able to breathe freely for the next two weeks. I'm super excited! And... I'll just go ahead and post some mustachioed pictures of myself just in case anyone missed them on facebook....Hence the name for this post. And to answer any questions you might have about these pictures... I'm alone in my room alot here in D.C. It was 2 in the morning, I had to get inventive to have some fun!

The Miracle of Forgiveness

Wow. Just...wow. I'm stunned and shocked right now. Something huge has happened. Something amazing. It feels weird but wonderful!!! I'm not being very articulate right now because it's hard to describe. I don't really know if it's appropriate for me to write about this on my blog. But it's such an immense blessing and huge change in my life that I feel like it goes right along with my quest for beauty and change for the better that I've been on. I do want to share it. So.... I'll try to write this in a way that will be understandable.

I recently found out that my ex-husband wants to get a cancellation of our temple sealing. A temple divorce if you will. He's going to be remarried. When I found this out I was really upset. Way more upset than I expected or wanted to be. I mean for goodness sakes it has been five years since we've been divorced why couldn't I just move on? I felt like a lot of really unfair things happened to me in our marriage. And that I was treated unfairly. And that no punishment was given to Tyler for how he treated me. Which made me question myself. This made me feel like I was a bad person. I was severely depressed for years, a few times suicidal. I had a lot of emotional issues I was dealing with. Basically I've been a huge mess for the past 6 years but gradually growing and getting better over time.
In my head I felt like yeah I'm totally okay now. What happened sucked, but I'm better off because of it. But I still felt like it wasn't fair and I was just trying to be the better person I so obviously was. Haha.

You know when you're just lying to yourself, but yet you still try to pretend that you really feel a certain way? Yeah, that was me. Oh of course I don't care about it. I'm so over that! But really I was secretly hoping that my ex's life would turn out badly because I felt that his actions towards me would be punished in some way. I was hoping his "true colors" would come out so everyone would see the person that I saw in our marriage. I didn't really want to accept the fact that I had a part in the failure of our marriage. I felt like I was the victim. I'm still not sure about who's to blame really. I know that I really was treated unfairly. But the one thing I know is that I didn't want to give up on our temple marriage. However, Tyler did.

I've been swinging from one extreme to the other this whole time. I would go from "I didn't have anything to do with this divorce, I was just stupid enough to pick a bad husband" to "It was all my fault. I should have done a better job being a wife". I couldn't really stay in the middle. That's a problem I have. I'm an extremist! (I really am working on it though!)

Well, I've been okay with just trying to move on with my life lately but in the back of my mind I still felt that my ex-husband was a real sleaze bag. I still felt like I was bearing the cross of a wife who was mistreated. I had moved on but I still had bad feelings towards my ex-husband.

I was thinking about what I would write in the letter to the First Presidency telling them what had happened. It was finally my chance to tell someone the injustices that I had been through and they would know that I was telling the truth. They would know that I wasn't lying because they have the gifts of discernment and the spirit. But I was still worried about what to write. I was confused about how I should be feeling. I was talking to my dad and he asked me, "If you could have any outcome in this situation, what would you want it to be?" The first thought that crossed my mind was that I didn't want Tyler getting remarried in the temple because he didn't deserve it. He finally needed to be accountable for what he did to me. But I went and got a blessing from my bishop. And I continued thinking about the question my dad asked me. What did I really want? I looked deep inside of myself. The kind of deepness where you are completely honest with yourself with no excuses. And this is where the miracle comes in. The thing I found there and what I whispered to myself was, "I want Tyler to be happy". And I was shocked that I really meant it. And as soon as I realized that I really meant it, all of the bad and unfair things that I was holding on to, all the bad things that I associated with my ex-husband passed through my head like a movie. And they all floated away and disappeared. (This sounds really cheesy and cliche but I don't know how else to describe it.) I felt like I could breathe again and that a huge weight had been lifted off of my chest. (Yes, very trite but I guess there's a reason why these phrases get used so much... because that's how it really felt!!!)

So there you have it. It's finally here. I finally feel like it's okay to forgive my ex-husband 100%. Yes what happened really sucked. It was extremely hard. But I was strong enough to get through it with Heavenly Father's help. I am a better person now. I have learned so much from the whole experience of marriage, abuse, depression, divorce. And the latest lesson I've been learning is that miracles really do still happen. Because (and excuse my language) there is no way in hell I would have really wanted my ex-husband to be happy on my own. Heavenly Father answered my prayers that I would be able to forgive Tyler and move on completely. It has certainly been a journey.

I just wanted to share this with my blog readers because maybe it will inspire you guys to not give up and to truly believe that all things are possible through the atonement and through Christ. I know this is a really really personal thing and I'm not trying to treat it lightly by writing about it on here. As you all know, I am just really honest. So I am sharing it with all of you. And I'm happy to know what I will be writing to the First Presidency. :)

Talents and Trials

I always feel somehow before I write a new blog post that something in me is shifting and changing. And I try to understand the things that I'm feeling and understand the new thoughts in my head. And when I finally think I understand this new part of me that I've discovered, I try to share it through writing on my blog.

Some things I've been thinking about lately are the different trials that everyone goes through. And why? Well obviously there are many different reasons as to why people go through trials but I was thinking about why that specific trial for that specific person? What if my big trial in life (so far) wasn't divorce and depression? What if I lost my parents? What if I was raped or sexually abused as a child? What if I got really really sick? What if I had same-gender attraction? These are all trials that I've had close friends go through. And in many cases they think my trial was harder and I think theirs would have been more difficult to go through.
The reason for that is probably because when you go through a really hard trial and you actually make it through, you know that you can do it simply because you've already done it.

But if someone told me when I was 18 what was going to happen to me I know that I would have thought there was no way I could go through that. But the point is I did. And when you have a hardship facing you in life your only choice is to make it through. You never know how courageous and strong you can be until you have no other choice. However, one choice you do have in regards to trials is how you will react. And the only way that I made it through was by turning towards God rather than away from Him.

But I am still trying to digest why we each have our own different trials. The Lord knows what we can handle and what is best for us but it makes me wonder more about who we all were before this life. Were there some innate qualities inside my spirit that qualified me to go through my trials? I'm starting to learn that there really are some qualities that I have that make me unique.

Sometimes when we think of talents we completely overlook some really amazing talents in favor of lauding those who have the obvious talents of music, dancing, singing, performing. But I'm learning that even if I don't have really obvious talents, I still have really awesome and admiral qualities that others might wish they had. I will forgo listing these talents.... okay okay I'll list them! Just don't think I'm being full of myself or vain. It took me a while to figure out these talents and to believe others when they kept telling me I had them.

I am funny (I really never believed anyone who told me that until my friend Heather told me I was funny because I think she is one of the funniest people ever!). I am sincere. I am kind and considerate. I notice little things about people and I'm observant of others needs and feelings. I am a good friend. I am sensitive to the promptings of the Spirit. I am compassionate and empathetic and can relate very well to others. And I am happy and fun to be around. (This last quality is one that I am proud of because I'm so relieved to not be depressed anymore!!!) But apparently I am not very humble...?

I think I developed most of these qualities because of the trials I went through but I wonder if they were just there to begin with when I was just an intelligence and a spirit? We all have the ability to someday become like God but surely our spirits were all different and unique? I guess it comes down to the fact that God gives us/gave us different talents and we can develop every talent eventually in the eternities. And hopefully quite a few in this lifetime as well.

My heart aches for some of the trials that others have to go through. And I can't imagine ever going through them. And I wonder why God allows that kind of suffering. But I always remember that God is the reason why I made it through my trial because He helped me through. And because we have the atonement, everything will be justified and made right in the end. And I trust in the Lord enough to know that He knows the reason for people's trials even if I can't comprehend them.

So I don't know if talents and trials are at all connected but it's something I've been thinking about lately.

Love Letter

Dear Future Husband,

I have a feeling I’m going to be meeting you pretty soon! The last few letters I wrote to you are kind of weird and embarrassing because I was really young and then I was going through a hard time…. But I feel much better now!!! And I’m much older and wiser! I also have a better idea of what you will be like. I can’t wait to meet you.

Sometimes I catch myself throughout the day smiling a secret smile because I’m thinking of you. I think about us going walks together and holding hands. I think about going to church and not feeling so alone anymore. I imagine us lying in bed at night and not being able to stop giggling because we are such huge dorks.

Whenever I’m out and about sometimes I think I see you. Or I see someone that reminds me of you. How can someone remind me of you when I’ve never met you? Yeah, I don’t know it’s kind of weird… But there are some guys that I think have certain characteristics I know you’ll have. I know you’ll have a very open and welcoming smile so that anyone who sees your smile will immediately feel at ease. And you will have eyes that are loving and understanding. People in your company will never feel judged or like they are bothering you.

I don’t know exactly when I’m going to be meeting you or when you’ll read this letter. But I’m trying to be the kind of woman you would want to fall in love with. I’m trying to be someone you will respect and admire. I also don’t know how exactly we’re going to meet. But just please have some patience with me when we do meet. I’m a little shy when it comes to men. I still have some trust issues and I’m still afraid that guys will only hurt me. It might take a little while for me to believe you when you tell me I’m the gal for you. But once I know I will believe you and trust you completely.

I’ve known for a few years now that you’re going to be an amazing man. I’ve felt it several times that not only will you be a great guy who treats me well, you will be an extra AMAZING one of a kind guy. A wonderful man. Which makes me think that I must be a pretty amazing woman to end up with someone as special as you.

So I’ll be seeing you soon. I can’t wait! Let’s spend hours quoting our favorite movie lines and making up silly songs together ok? Ok.
P.S. Are you going to have facial hair like the guy in the above picture? If so, I'm sure you'll rock it! :)

I love you,
Your lovely Mary