Pain and Joy

I know there are a lot of people who think I am too emotional. Including close friends and family. But my favorite people are the ones who understand and don't judge me for that. (Heather and Alyss and Ashley!!!) And that some of the feelings I have are completely ridiculous and that I am inhibited by my emotions. While it is true that I can work on trying to better control my emotions (and trust me I have come a long way), I came to a realization today. I am grateful for my emotional nature. I care extremely deeply for others. I am sensitive to others needs and feelings. Which also means, my needs are often not met and my feelings do get hurt more than the average person. But I'm glad I'm not the average person. I also thought it was bad that I cried so much. But now, I really don't see it that way. Yes it's not the funnest thing, and my face gets puffy and red a lot. But I have to remember that just because not everyone feels things as deeply as me, or reacts in the same way as I do, does not mean that there is something wrong with me.

I still get worried sometimes that my husband left me because I was depressed, so it was really my fault like he said. It's just too bad I didn't know then what I know now. :) And what I know is, that I am a special and amazing person. Even though people try to tell me otherwise and tell me how they think I should behave. I can help people in a way that so many others can't. And that is a gift. And even though I feel pain so deeply, the wonderful thing is that I can feel joy more deeply too. I know people would rather not live their life in such extremes, but this is my life.

I was reading today about the atonement in a book called "The Infinite Atonement" and it's actually what helped me to accept myself for how I am. It talked about how God and Christ have suffered and still suffer for us because they love us. "If God suffers as mortal parents do when each of their children suffers, then as long as God procreates, he will suffer. As long as his creations experience sin, loneliness, disease, rejection, or any of the travails that constitute the human plight, God will suffer and weep. God has felt and will yet feel our infirmities because he loves us, rejoices with us, suffers with us, and weeps with us. His suffering is a never-ending process of which the Atonement was an integral part." It also talks about how Christ experienced "a fullness of joy" when he visited the Nephites.

So obviously I am not comparing myself to God. But the fact that He loves us SO much means he also feels pain and suffers because of it. I feel like I can relate to that in a very small way. I feel things very deeply, I care about others and I also feel pain maybe more than someone else might. But that doesn't mean there is something wrong with me. I think it means that I am out of the ordinary and awesome. Well, at least that's what I'm choosing to believe.