Facing My Fears

I am such a chicken sometimes. I am afraid of the unknown, the uncomfortable, and the what-if's leave me paralyzed at times. (It's called anxiety...) I think many of the trials I've had have been in direct relation with helping to me get over my anxieties and face the world. Because once you do it, you realize it's not so bad! The Lord knows exactly what I need to go through to help me overcome myself. Living in a big city is not easy or convenient. You have to step outside of your comfort zone a lot. Being on my own a lot this past year (and without a car!) has forced me to step it up and just do whatever needs to be done without relying on other people.

I usually feel the need to be reassured by someone else before I do something I don't know how to do. Wait, so tell me again, how do I do this? What if I do it wrong? Have you done it before? Can you come with me? Can you do it for me? I've been learning to face the fear of the unknown and realize, it's not that bad. Really, what's the worst that could happen?

Some new fears I've been having lately and stemming from my job as a nanny last year.... Fear of having children. This has always been a joy to me and the ultimate goal in my mind. I'm going to get married and have children and be a wonderful mother. Because I desired it so much, I just knew it would be natural and easy. I wouldn't have to work too hard at it because it was already who I was, a mother. Well, talk about a WAKE UP CALL! Taking care of twins made me realize, wow, it's not going to be easy. Can I even do this? I started having anxiety about the unknown, the future. What if I'm a bad mother? I started questioning if I even wanted to have children, and if I did, what if I just screwed them up?

But when I start thinking those thoughts, I think back to possibly the worst night of my life. (It's surprisingly a toss up between a couple of other occasions...)When I hit absolute rock bottom. The night I was going to end it all. I had toyed around with the idea. I started thinking about it every day. Then I just hoped that I wouldn't go to hell if I did it. But I felt like I just couldn't do it anymore. "It" being life. As I lay on my bed thinking about the steps I would take to end my life, my children came to my mind. No, I don't have any children yet. But my future children, the ones I had read about over and over in my patriarchal blessing, the ones who I had given fifty different names, the children who I had such hopes for and already felt such love for. So in that moment I decided to live for my children. Because they needed me. That might sound odd, but at the time living for someone other than myself was all I could do. Because I didn't feel like I was worth it. But they were.

I realize this is a very personal thing to write about on the internet where presumably anyone could read it. But I'm reminding myself. I have come so far. I have done hard things. Life has been hard at times. But it's also been wonderful. It's been full and I've felt courage and love and friendship. When I feel anxiety about something that hasn't even happened yet, all I have to do is look back at where I was and how far I've come and realize this is nothing! I've got this! The Lord has been giving me the tools I need to confront my fears.

And so the next time I feel scared about the future and worry about my future children, I'll just remind myself that they saved me.

P.S. I don't think mental illness should be something that I am ashamed of. I don't think anyone else should have to feel shame, unworthiness, or guilt or feel that they are crazy because they suffer from a mental illness. It's called an illness for a reason and is very real. People who belittle, make fun of, or don't believe those with mental illnesses have never experienced them but if they did, they would realize how truly awful and debilitating it can be. Don't judge someone unless you've walked down their path.