Redefining the Quest

This year and this blog has been about my quest for beauty. When I first started my quest for beauty, I made a few goals. All of them except for one were goals for outward beauty. Which is what I really needed to work on. But what I didn't realize (on some level I guess I realized this)... but maybe didn't admit was that I should have focused on the inner beauty a little more. Because if you feel good about yourself, the way you present yourself will reflect that. But I also think you can start by dressing and looking better, that helps you feel a little better about yourself too. The point of me saying this is that I finally realized just how much work I needed to do to change my attitude about myself.

I was talking with a friend and she was asking me questions about how I felt about myself and the way I looked. I answered truthfully and she told me that my perception of myself was not correct and that I was worth more. I wanted to believe her, but couldn't. That's when I thought, what if she is right? And deep down I knew she was. But it wasn't that simple. I knew how I should feel about myself but I just couldn't believe it. After that night when I realized just how much I didn't like myself and just how much I didn't trust myself, I knew I needed to change. But as I thought more about actually changing my self-perception, it seemed impossible! How can I just change the way I think about myself? I know what I should think, but that's not how I really feel!

I prayed and fasted about it. It's not going to happen overnight. But you know what? I already have changed how I'm thinking about myself. And I'm starting to change little things. For example, when I have doubts about myself, I decide to trust the good feelings that I have about myself instead of listening to the doubts. Also, if I hear someone talking about me and saying bad things or complaining about me- I decide to not dwell on it and just continue trying to better myself. I don't let what others think I should change affect what I'm doing. I'll never be good enough for everyone. But as I work on things that I want to change, I'll be happy and fulfilled.

Another thing I decided to do is to be my own friend and to be kind to myself. It sounds so simple (and corny) and yet it's not that easy. I thought about how I love all my friends and how easy it is for me to love them and see all the great qualities they have. And if any of them are having a hard time I always want to love and support them and make them feel better. Then I was inspired... what if I did that for myself? I should be my own friend! So when I was feeling down on myself I thought, "what would I do if one of my friends was feeling bad about herself? I would write her a note with her good qualities." So yep, I wrote myself a little post it note and it's on my laptop screen. It lists some of my good qualities. Super corny and embarrassing. But it helped. It's also easy for me to believe the best in all of my friends because I love them. So I decided to believe the best in myself too. Anytime I'm having negative thoughts, I'll just start talking to myself as I would to a friend. Sounds crazy. And I've definitely been talking to myself a lot lately. But it's working. I'm feeling uplifted and confident. I have a lot more work to do. But now I'm aware and I'm trying. :)

More inspiring words that have been helping me along my way.

The Divinity within Me (hey that rhymes!)

So...my ex-husband got sealed to someone else today, and technically we are still sealed as well. And while that's a little weird if I think about it too much, it's okay. I kept wondering if I would somehow feel different today because of it. But no. I feel just fine. I don't even feel sad. I guess the past two weeks I've really been able to figure out my feelings even more regarding the situation. It's been a hard couple of weeks but now I'm so happy to be feeling good and like it's okay to bury the past completely. And I also realized that by Tyler getting remarried this year, it's forced me to be really honest with myself and to face some painful feelings that I had been trying to keep buried. So even though it's been a hard year, it's been a year full of SO MUCH CHANGE for the better! And in the process of looking deep inside of myself, I've discovered several truths about who I am. (Good things!) Some good things I'm admitting to myself are that I am an amazing person. Also, I am special. Like, really. I really am a special and exceptional person. Yeah, I know just like everyone else... but really. I am. The Lord has a great work in store for me. And I couldn't accomplish it without going through the trials and experiences I've been through. Even if that work is just to help others who may go through the same experience as me, it will be worth it if I can help them along the way. I don't know what I would have done without those women who took me aside and said, "I know how you feel, the same thing happened to me. You're not alone. Things will get better. You did not deserve this. You are a wonderful daughter of God."

I always needed others approval before because I didn't like myself or feel good about myself. So I've needed others permission to feel good about myself. That's why when people have been mean or said mean things about me before, it hurt deeply and I took it to heart. Because I believed it, and they were reinforcing my fears about myself. This week, I wrote a dear friend because I was really confused with how I was feeling and I just knew she would have the answers. She was the one who came and picked me up the night Tyler said he wanted a divorce, she's been with me through this whole journey which I appreciate because not very many people know the whole story like she does. I realized that I didn't need permission from her to feel good about myself, but sometimes it's okay to have good friends remind you of your qualities and potential. I'd like to share a few lines of what she wrote me.


"Look back Mary. Look back at the girl you were then, and though excruciatingly painful as it was, what the whole ordeal has helped you to grow to be. A beautiful woman who is learning to see the beauty in herself. Would you have ever achieved that as Tyler's wife? Would you ever have learned to stand on your own two feet with a beautiful blend of strength and empathy? Would you know the wonderful friends you have in your life if life had not altered your course? Would you ever have learned who YOU are, not an extension of a husband or a parent? Would you ever have learned how to completely rely on the tender mercies of the Lord without this experience? Look back Mary. Look back and see how far you have come! Take a minute and be in that place if you need to, and then turn back around and KEEP GOING! Don't lose sight of the beautiful things you see in yourself NOW. Don't lose sight of the beautiful things you want for your future. The Lord isn't through with you. He hasn't left you by the wayside. Look back Mary and see how he has led you and is leading you and trust that he will continue to do just that."


She reminded me that what happened was a good thing. That I am who I am today because of it. That I chose to be better and not bitter. And then I think of all the people (and lifelong friends) I met at BYU that I wouldn't have met if I stayed married. I probably wouldn't even have a college education right now either. Even though it was a truly horrible, painful experience and even though I would have stayed married if I had the choice, it's the path my life took. And I've grown closer to the Lord because of it. And that's why we're here on this earth. To learn and change and grow.

I still have a lot of thoughts and new things that I'm learning circling around in my head. But I will save those thoughts for more blog posts in the future. To sum up this post... I am giving myself permission to be more and to trust myself. I have so much power within me and I plan on living up to the divinity that God has given me. (Wait, so that's what they meant in Young Women when they talked about Divine Nature?! I never really understood that one until now. :) Good thing... since I'm a YW leader! I better pass on what I know!)

Shifting into Me

Do you know what the best kinds of days are? The days when you are able to not only have several realizations that change your outlook on life, but you are also able to make a permanent shift. I'm never quite certain whether these shifts happen in your brain, your soul, or your heart. Maybe all three? Maybe your whole being? I'm also of the opinion that while these shifts can happen in one moment and very suddenly, they take weeks, months, maybe even years to build up to that moment. One rather unpleasant thing about these shifts, is that they tend to happen after intense moments of pain. But the pain is worth it because the shifts are permanent. Do you know what I mean what I say "shift"? Have you ever experienced one for yourself? A shift is when you realize that the way you've been looking at something has been wrong this whole time. And the shift happens when you realize the truth. Truth is very freeing but also can be painful.

I didn't start out the day thinking that a shift was going to happen. I went to church, bore my testimony, got to participate in a great Young Women's lesson, felt uplifted and happy. I started walking home from church. I noticed how beautiful the fall day was and how great it felt outside. I tied up my scriptures in my scarf and happily swung them as I walked. I thanked God for the day and how I was feeling. And then I decided to call my mom. I found out that my ex-husband had gotten permission from the First Presidency to be sealed to someone else in addition to me. I've known for months that this was a possibility. But I guess I wasn't prepared for how I would feel when I found out.

I cried for an hour. I haven't felt so much pain in a really long time. It was kind of wonderful in a way. To be able to forget how it felt. To have not felt that way in so long, to have forgotten how I used to feel that much pain every single hour of every single day for years. The reason I felt so upset was because it made me start to doubt myself again. "Maybe he was right. He had to leave you because you were awful. It was your fault. You deserved to be left. You weren't a good wife. If the First Presidency is allowing him to be sealed again then everything he did and said was right and you deserved all the pain you felt. Why will he never have to feel any of the consequences of what he did?" (Yeah, pretty intense how deep my self-loathing can go...) Another part of my brain that I have been able to develop over these past few years was saying, "Mary, don't listen to that! You know that's not true. You are good enough!" But I let the doubting part of me take over. I knew that I needed help. I made a few calls and arranged to receive a priesthood blessing.

As I received a blessing of comfort, I was oddly enough not feeling comforted! I was confused because priesthood blessings always make me feel better. One of the things the blessing said was that I would be given as many blessings from the Lord as I was willing to receive. I realized that I only didn't feel comforted and loved because I wasn't allowing myself to. Just think of it! I was not even allowing myself to feel God's love. But as I became aware of this fact I realized that God was giving me the choice to receive comfort or not. He wasn't just giving it to me. And with that choice He was giving me yet another opportunity to grow and become stronger. The blessing also said that He knows me better than I know myself. He knows how wonderful I am even if I don't.

So the shift that happened to me today was that I learned that I'm the only one who holds myself back. No one else can hold me back. Not my ex-husband. Not people who may say or do unkind things to me. Just myself. I'm the only one who's keeping myself from being amazing, better, loved, good enough. And realizing that gave me power. I have the power to free myself from myself. Does that make any sense? God can give me anything, but I have to be willing to accept it.

Anyway, after I had that wonderful shift and realized that wonderful truth about myself, I started to feel renewed and reinvigorated. That part of my life is over and I don't need to let any doubt linger. And it's okay that my ex is getting married again. It's a happy thing for him. He gets a second chance and I'm happy that I will also be getting a second chance in the future. I don't have to worry about who was right or wrong in the marriage. It's over. I've learned from it and I'm better because of it. And I can feel comfortable in the choices that I made and the covenants that I've kept.

I'm going to live up to my potential.

Have You Hugged Yourself Today?

Yep, I'm hot. :)


Today I am feeling empowered. Last night I was the total opposite. I was feeling insecure, weak, unworthy, not cute, not pretty, yuck! I was a pathetic crying mess last night. I just felt not so great about myself and at a low point. I felt hopeless and that it seemed impossible to ever change. And then this morning I was angry! I was pretty much pissed off. Why the heck should I feel that way? No way, Jose. I am not going to feel that way. So weirdly enough that anger motivated me to stop feeling so down on myself. Why should I think I'm not good enough? I am freaking awesome! (Also, all of these shifting of feelings might have something to do womanly hormones...) Anyway, basically I am feeling great today! Yes, I do need to change a lot about myself. Yes, I have a lot of work to do so I can look better. But I'll do it when I'm ready. I don't care what other people think about it! It's not really any of their business. (And obviously I'm not always not going to care what others think but at least for today I don't give a damn). And it feels great!!! It feels wonderful to not let what others think shape how I feel about myself. I like myself today and that's all that matters. I'm going to try to keep being kind to myself. And you want to know something really embarrassing? (I cannot believe I'm actually admitting to this....) But I hugged myself today. I just felt like I deserved a hug from myself because I think I'm amazing. Plus I had heard of people hugging themselves before. I was kind of curious. I tried to figure out the logistics of actually hugging myself. (So I put my arms here?... uh...) And even though it was super awkward, as is admitting this for people to see, it felt good. It was a physical manifestation that I approved of myself. I was letting myself know, "Hey Mary I love you. You're pretty great. Keep up the good work." Yep, let's chalk this up to the most embarrassing blog post yet. I really can't believe I'm publishing this... Oh well, today I don't care what you think!!!!!!!!! :)

A girl worth hugging. :)

Reasons Why I'm Awesome!

So.... I think everyone should read this. Oh Cliff. You sure do know how to make a girl cry and smile at the same time. :)

Also here is a picture of me and Cliff being awesome.

Helen Keller at Midnight

Last night (actually in the wee hours of the morning) I was awoken by a text message on my phone. I wondered who in the heck would be texting me at that hour and of course I had to check and see who it was from. It turned out to be spam. (I guess that's what you get when you apply for jobs online...) Anyway, then I noticed that I had a missed call, a text, and a new voicemail from my brother Daniel. I ignored them because I didn't want to wake myself up so much that I couldn't fall back asleep. As I was trying to drift off to sleep again my pesky brain started thinking about the text and voicemail. The womanly worrisome part of my brain was on high alert. An annoying voice in my head was asking me questions like, "What if it's important?" No, I'll just check it tomorrow I stubbornly told myself. "But what if it's an emergency? What if there was some kind of accident? What if something happened to Meredith (my sister-in-law) or Peyton (my nephew)"? Fine!!! I'll check it!!! The text message simply said, "Are you still up?" Well, that didn't answer any of my annoying brain's questions. So I listened to the voicemail. It said....wait for it...."Why did Helen Keller's dog run away?" (I'm sure all of you know the punchline to that joke). But apparently it was new to my brother. He was giggling in the background! I rolled my eyes, told my brain "I told you so!", then grudgingly smiled and went back to sleep.

This morning I texted Daniel back. "Did you know Helen Keller had a dollhouse? No? Neither did she!" Now that is a funny joke!

Here's Daniel and Peyton watching some t.v. Boys. Sheesh.

Fall Adventures and New Friends

This past weekend was very eventful and the most fun I've had since... the week before! (Haha, because of Ashley and cupcakes and such). Usually I go for a whole month before having so much fun at once. It's been really nice to have fun things to do actually with other people! On Saturday I rode with Christine and Tanya (two friends from my ward) up to Homestead Farms in Maryland. The drive up was so GORGEOUS! The fall leaves were everywhere and fall in D.C. is especially beautiful. It was nice to leave the city behind for a bit and go see a little more country. I feel more myself and more relaxed out in the country. I have a lot of pictures thanks to Tanya and Christine of our adventure. Most of these pictures are actually from Tanya but a lot of them have me and Christine in them. Tanya was behind the camera the whole time!

The tractor pulling us on the hayride.

The punkins! You can't tell from this picture but there were a ton of smashed pumpkins all around the field. It looked like a pumpkin massacre! They actually shipped in these pumpkins from Tennessee because of all the late rain in Maryland. Yay Tennessee!!!

Me holding the pumpkin I would have picked. I just decided to purchase some baby pumpkins instead so I wouldn't have to haul this one around. But it was the best one!

Me and Christine weren't paying attention. I was texting?

Now we're laughing at something. Me and my asian eyes when I laugh! (I know that sounds racist... but I'm not trying to be! That's just how I look sometimes...)

Some of the baby pumpkins I opted to buy instead.

Christine and her new boyfriend.

Christine's new boyfriends ex-girlfriend. She was really jealous of Mr. Scarecrow and Christine. I understand feeling sad about the breakup but she didn't have to be so witchy towards us! (hehe)

These little piggies reminded me of my days of raising pigs. They don't stay cute for very long that's for sure!

We were looking at all the chickens in the coop when this big turkey ran out and surprised us all! He won't be around for much longer. Bless you turkey. Bless you.

There were a bunch of kids there too. (once again hehe)

We were trying to decide between apple pie and caramel apples. The line for the apples was shorter so we tried them. We made the right choice! They were so tasty! I ended up licking all the caramel off that I could. Delish.

Christine posing with our "fall haul". We got some great stuff!


Later when I got home from our adventure I met the girl who is going to take my position as the nanny for Addison and Jackson. We met and then two hours later were on our way to take the metro to a YSA activity at the ward I'm planning on moving to. Suffice it to say, we felt like we had known each other for years by the end of the night. So glad that Whitney is the one taking my spot! I feel much better about someone else getting to hang out with Addison and Jackson all the time if that person is awesome and my friend! :) The activity we went to was pumpkin carving and other fall stuff. I only knew two people at the activity but thanks to Mark (who I only met two weeks ago!) me and Whitney met some cool new people. It's so nice when you meet new people who make you feel comfortable and who are so friendly! I'm so glad my friend Jill invited me and encouraged me to come. Then on Sunday I met even more new people because Whitney and I went to yet another single's ward in Virginia. It has definitely made me feel more confident and has helped me remember that I do have good "people" skills. I'm glad it's easy for me to talk to new people (well at least when I know one other person there). I'm even more excited for the next year when I go to a new ward and make new friends. My year of being a (self-imposed) social outcast is over!!! Time to boost up all the confidence I've been working on this year and go out there and be the best me I can. (I sound really corny now so it's time to end this post). More deep thoughts later. Peace out girl scouts.