I Heart Trees!

I made a new friend at the "new member" Sunday School class they have in my ward for all the new people. Her name is Britt and she is also currently searching for a job. So in between interviewing, we go out and explore D.C. and play "tourist" although we do like to go off the beaten path as well. This week it seems like all of our adventures led us to the beautiful outdoors. We went to Mt. Vernon on Monday, Dumbarton Oaks Gardens on Tuesday, and Arlington Cemetery on Wednesday. We took today off because we both had interviews but we're actually going back to Mt. Vernon tomorrow because why not? We both have annual passes!!!

I just love the beauty of nature and I especially love trees. I like to name my favorite trees and if there are any that catch my eye in particular I like to think of them as my friends. I guess I'm a tree hugger? Here are some pics of trees that I saw this week that I LOVE! I can't wait until I get to see them in the spring, summer, and fall!




These were all trees from Dumbarton Oaks Gardens

Trees from Mt. Vernon

The backyard view from the mansion. Awesome view of the Potomac.

The Tulip Poplar is one of my favorite trees because it's Tennessee's state tree and also because we had one in my front yard growing up and it always started changing colors or blooming before any of the other trees. And George Washington planted this one. See? He loves trees too! Even if he did chop down a cherry tree. :) (Which he didn't...)




Trees from Arlington Cemetery

The guard at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier (The changing of the guards was really cool to watch).

Whew, that's a lot of pictures of trees. If you don't like trees you probably stopped looking by now. Also if you don't like trees, I don't really want to be your friend. Okay? Okay.

The main reason why I love trees and nature is because it's one of the main things that makes me feel happy and peaceful. It reminds me of my childhood in Tennessee and I come away feeling renewed and reinvigorated. The city is really fun but it's sometimes hard for me to feel like I can breath. Walking around these three places made me draw deep clear breaths and feel so light and happy inside. I loved Mt. Vernon's wide open spaces, the Potomac River, the trail and bridge through the woods, and the feeling of history. I loved Dumbarton Oaks Gardens because it was almost like Alice in Wonderland and every turn you took led you to another unexpected, delightful little corner where you felt like no one else would ever find you (in a good way). It was like an old English manor. Arlington Cemetery was very peaceful (I find cemetery's very soothing and peaceful) and I felt such deep respect and gratitude there. And if all of these places are so beautiful in the winter, I can only imagine what they'll look like in the spring and fall! I'll be going back to each place for each season.

Here's a peak of what these places look like in other seasons. (No I didn't take these pics...)

Dumbarton Oaks

Mt. Vernon

Arlington Cemetery

February 4th 2005-2012

February 4th used to mean nothing at all to me. Then it meant the happiest day of my life. Then it quickly meant a day of sadness, regret, humiliation. It slowly changed to a feeling of a slight pang in my chest, then it changed to "wow, it's that time again, huh?" And then one year it shockingly came and went almost completely without me acknowledged it. And this year I cried. Oh, not that I didn't cry especially hard almost every other year, especially at the beginning. But today I cried for a different reason. Today I cried because when I thought about the fact that I got married seven years ago today, I was so extremely thankful. I was thankful for all that I went through and so unbelievable happy that the atonement was able to take the most painful event of my life and turn it into a normal day. Well, an almost normal day. I will never forget February 4th and it's significance in my life. But now instead of it being a painful memory, it will be a grateful memory. And happiness to feel that 100 percent of forgiveness that I tried for, for so long. It was on this day of this year, that February 4th came and went and I had for the first time truly completely forgiven my ex-husband. 7 years ago feels like a lifetime ago. I was a different person then. And the pain of the refiner's fire really did make me a new person. A better person. I am so grateful for this day and for the atonement and for a Heavenly Father who loves me. And I really am just a crier! :)

Pain and Joy

I know there are a lot of people who think I am too emotional. Including close friends and family. But my favorite people are the ones who understand and don't judge me for that. (Heather and Alyss and Ashley!!!) And that some of the feelings I have are completely ridiculous and that I am inhibited by my emotions. While it is true that I can work on trying to better control my emotions (and trust me I have come a long way), I came to a realization today. I am grateful for my emotional nature. I care extremely deeply for others. I am sensitive to others needs and feelings. Which also means, my needs are often not met and my feelings do get hurt more than the average person. But I'm glad I'm not the average person. I also thought it was bad that I cried so much. But now, I really don't see it that way. Yes it's not the funnest thing, and my face gets puffy and red a lot. But I have to remember that just because not everyone feels things as deeply as me, or reacts in the same way as I do, does not mean that there is something wrong with me.

I still get worried sometimes that my husband left me because I was depressed, so it was really my fault like he said. It's just too bad I didn't know then what I know now. :) And what I know is, that I am a special and amazing person. Even though people try to tell me otherwise and tell me how they think I should behave. I can help people in a way that so many others can't. And that is a gift. And even though I feel pain so deeply, the wonderful thing is that I can feel joy more deeply too. I know people would rather not live their life in such extremes, but this is my life.

I was reading today about the atonement in a book called "The Infinite Atonement" and it's actually what helped me to accept myself for how I am. It talked about how God and Christ have suffered and still suffer for us because they love us. "If God suffers as mortal parents do when each of their children suffers, then as long as God procreates, he will suffer. As long as his creations experience sin, loneliness, disease, rejection, or any of the travails that constitute the human plight, God will suffer and weep. God has felt and will yet feel our infirmities because he loves us, rejoices with us, suffers with us, and weeps with us. His suffering is a never-ending process of which the Atonement was an integral part." It also talks about how Christ experienced "a fullness of joy" when he visited the Nephites.

So obviously I am not comparing myself to God. But the fact that He loves us SO much means he also feels pain and suffers because of it. I feel like I can relate to that in a very small way. I feel things very deeply, I care about others and I also feel pain maybe more than someone else might. But that doesn't mean there is something wrong with me. I think it means that I am out of the ordinary and awesome. Well, at least that's what I'm choosing to believe.

Facing My Fears

I am such a chicken sometimes. I am afraid of the unknown, the uncomfortable, and the what-if's leave me paralyzed at times. (It's called anxiety...) I think many of the trials I've had have been in direct relation with helping to me get over my anxieties and face the world. Because once you do it, you realize it's not so bad! The Lord knows exactly what I need to go through to help me overcome myself. Living in a big city is not easy or convenient. You have to step outside of your comfort zone a lot. Being on my own a lot this past year (and without a car!) has forced me to step it up and just do whatever needs to be done without relying on other people.

I usually feel the need to be reassured by someone else before I do something I don't know how to do. Wait, so tell me again, how do I do this? What if I do it wrong? Have you done it before? Can you come with me? Can you do it for me? I've been learning to face the fear of the unknown and realize, it's not that bad. Really, what's the worst that could happen?

Some new fears I've been having lately and stemming from my job as a nanny last year.... Fear of having children. This has always been a joy to me and the ultimate goal in my mind. I'm going to get married and have children and be a wonderful mother. Because I desired it so much, I just knew it would be natural and easy. I wouldn't have to work too hard at it because it was already who I was, a mother. Well, talk about a WAKE UP CALL! Taking care of twins made me realize, wow, it's not going to be easy. Can I even do this? I started having anxiety about the unknown, the future. What if I'm a bad mother? I started questioning if I even wanted to have children, and if I did, what if I just screwed them up?

But when I start thinking those thoughts, I think back to possibly the worst night of my life. (It's surprisingly a toss up between a couple of other occasions...)When I hit absolute rock bottom. The night I was going to end it all. I had toyed around with the idea. I started thinking about it every day. Then I just hoped that I wouldn't go to hell if I did it. But I felt like I just couldn't do it anymore. "It" being life. As I lay on my bed thinking about the steps I would take to end my life, my children came to my mind. No, I don't have any children yet. But my future children, the ones I had read about over and over in my patriarchal blessing, the ones who I had given fifty different names, the children who I had such hopes for and already felt such love for. So in that moment I decided to live for my children. Because they needed me. That might sound odd, but at the time living for someone other than myself was all I could do. Because I didn't feel like I was worth it. But they were.

I realize this is a very personal thing to write about on the internet where presumably anyone could read it. But I'm reminding myself. I have come so far. I have done hard things. Life has been hard at times. But it's also been wonderful. It's been full and I've felt courage and love and friendship. When I feel anxiety about something that hasn't even happened yet, all I have to do is look back at where I was and how far I've come and realize this is nothing! I've got this! The Lord has been giving me the tools I need to confront my fears.

And so the next time I feel scared about the future and worry about my future children, I'll just remind myself that they saved me.

P.S. I don't think mental illness should be something that I am ashamed of. I don't think anyone else should have to feel shame, unworthiness, or guilt or feel that they are crazy because they suffer from a mental illness. It's called an illness for a reason and is very real. People who belittle, make fun of, or don't believe those with mental illnesses have never experienced them but if they did, they would realize how truly awful and debilitating it can be. Don't judge someone unless you've walked down their path.

Personality

Well, I currently do not have a job. It's only been two weeks of me not having a job (I was nannying the first week of this month for my friend Ruth so technically that was a job) and I'm kinda going crazy! I have an interview with a temp agency on Monday so hopefully I will be working next week. But since I don't have a job... might as well blog!

I really love taking personality tests because they're fun and I love learning more about what makes people tick. I also love learning more about why I do certain things and learning more about myself in general because being more aware helps me to control my decisions and actions. I don't know if any of you guys have ever taken the Myers-Briggs personality test but I've found it to be almost completely accurate. It's so on point that I was a little taken aback. Each personality has a different name assigned to it. I'm an ISFP which is called The Artist. Which I think is pretty awesome because I never really thought of myself as an artist. However, one of my friends once asked me, what makes you the happiest? What do you enjoy doing? What is your dream job? And I said that creating things was my favorite thing to do and I would love a job where I got to create things and get paid for it. And artists definitely create!

Here's a quick description I found online. Does it sound like me? :) ISFP
Quiet, friendly, sensitive, and kind. Enjoy the present moment, what’s going on around them. Like to have their own space and to work within their own time frame. Loyal and committed to their values and to people who are important to them. Dislike disagreements and conflicts, do not force their opinions or values on others.
Here are some other facts about people like me (ISFPs).

This has been true for me since I was small. I've always wanted to do my own thing and not necessarily what everyone else around me was doing. I like being a little different. And I always have needed alone time. And believe me, it was hard to come by growing up in a small house with seven other siblings and my parents.

Very true for me. Which is why my feelings can get hurt pretty easily. And probably also why I am prone to depression. But it also makes me care deeply for others and feel deep convictions in my beliefs.

I didn't tap into this one as much until after my divorce. And then I thought it was some type of spiritual gift of discernment (maybe it still is?) but I feel like I can get an accurate reading of people within a few minutes of meeting them. The only problem with is is sometimes it causes me to judge others and write them off too quickly, when in reality I need to spend more time getting to know them.

Soooo true!!! Like really. It's a problem! I get so defensive because of this. Don't judge me, you don't know me! Haha.

This one was good for me to read because I didn't think about it before. It made me think I should give myself more credit! :)

Well, okay. :)

If you're my friend and I love you, I try to let you know it! :0



Well, thanks for reading through this post all about me and my personality!!! Haha! I think another characteristic I read somewhere about ISFPs is that they are a little self absorbed at times. Not in a bad way necessarily, just very aware of themselves and who they are and that they think about it a lot. :)

Read more and find out about your personality here. There are also some free tests you can take online to figure out what your personality is. If you know what yours is let me know because I'd love to learn more about you. :)

Well, that didn't last very long!

I was reading over some priesthood blessings that I had been given. I always forget specific words in blessings and only remember the general idea so a few years ago I started writing down what I remembered from the blessings right after I got them. I complied all these blessings into one document. As I was reading this list today, I realized something pretty amazing. Most of the things promised in the blessings had all happened. And the things that I needed to work on, I've improved on. I didn't receive all the blessings right away, in fact most of them have taken years. But the point is, I did change and I did receive those promised blessings. I added a few new priesthood blessings that I recently received to the list today. And I am so happy to realize and have faith that, they will also come to fruition. Yes, it will take time just like the previous blessings, but it will happen. I am so grateful for that. I am so happy that I decided to write down these blessings to help me remember.

So that's why I decided that I shouldn't stop writing in this blog. I wanted to stop because I didn't know why I was writing it anymore or who I was writing it for. I even prayed about whether I should keep writing this blog or not. Because honestly, I didn't want to do it anymore. I felt an uneasy feeling when I decided to stop writing and I kind of felt like I should keep going. (But of course I ignored that feeling). I felt pressure and I felt judgement from other people. And I'm making new friends. I don't really want them to know about the past me. The me that has changed. But it's important for me to remember and to see how far I've come and to document how much farther I know I will go. And maybe the things I write will help others too. But I need to write it for me. I took down my blog address from Facebook and I won't be announcing when I've written a new post anymore. But for anyone who is still reading this, I'll be writing every so often. :)

P.S. I am thriving in my new house and new town! I've already made three strong friends in the first week I've been here. Whereas last year, I only made three strong friends PERIOD! I'd say that's a vast improvement. Yay single's wards! I miss you Capitol Hill ward though. :(

The Last Post

Well, this year has been great. Crazy and full of change. It has been really fun writing this blog this year. It started out as my adventures in D.C. (also because I had more time to actually write a blog because I graduated) and it blossomed into my quest for beauty. It documented some important changes and also which cupcakes are the best. It's been a great opportunity for me to share my feelings with the world. But I feel like it's time to be done. Who knows, maybe I'll update on any major changes in the future. But for now, on the last day of this crazy year, this is my last post. Now, I can go back to filling up my journals (two wonderful friends each got me beautiful journals as gifts and I can't wait to fill them up!). Peace out friends and whoever else reads this blog. Have a wonderful 2012. I'm planning to have the best year ever!!!

Love, Mary Cherry