React Positively

My mantra these past couple of weeks has been "react positively". I read somewhere (okay, from the blog I was telling you guys about... It's just so inspiring!!) that you don't have to let others negativity and the way they treat you get you down. Instead of reacting negatively when they treat you in a way that is not appreciated, you can choose to react positively. Yes, this does seem pretty hard. (It is hard!) But what do I mean by reacting positively? Basically, you try not to let it bother you. You try to think of what the other person might be going through that would make them treat you in a bad/annoying/rude/crazy way. Just try to see it from their perspective and also realize that it might not even really be you. It's really not easy. But I just tell myself over and over "react positively, react positively!" And even though I'm hurt/annoyed/angry for a little bit, pretty soon I've moved on and feel better. And sometimes if you can, it's okay to remove yourself permanently from the situation. You move on and surround yourself with those who uplift you and love you. This isn't always possible, but I'm glad in my case that this time it is. :) I'm grateful for all the loving friends, old and new, that I have in my life who have taught me so much and who have made me laugh. Especially those who can make me laugh even when I've been crying. Laughter through tears is my favorite emotion. :)

P.S. I just read a quote that says, "Some people come into your life as blessings, others come into your life as lessons". So true!

A blog about Love

I found a blog today that I absolutely LOVE!!! This woman went through a divorce and her husband also left her. But unlike me, they were married for 7 years. Seven! And after 2 years, her husband told her he didn't love her and didn't find her attractive and was thinking of leaving. But they stayed married for five more years. It made me very grateful that my ex-husband didn't string me along for years before deciding to leave.

And her writing makes me feel like my blog is written by a preschooler. I wish I had that gift of expressing myself well. The main thing I have going for me on this blog is my openness and sincerity. (Maybe sometimes a little too open...) But as usual, I must remind myself not to compare myself to others. And to remind myself that I got married at 18, an age when most girls still get really upset over trivial things. Going through a divorce where your husband was abusive and was the one who left you is really hard at ANY age.

But the reason I'm talking about this woman and her blog is because the first post of hers that I read applies so well to things I've been learning recently and to my quest for beauty. She writes, "Being a daughter of God means you are ALREADY empowered to face ALL your trials. It means you can have love & joy & peace & wholeness deep, deep down in your heart, no matter what your crappy circumstances are. You don't have to wait for these good things to come to you - - - you are already the possessor of them by your very nature!!! Once you know your identity as a divine woman (or man), nothing can take that light away from you. Nothing can take away your feeling of security. Nothing can take away the fact that you have a divine purpose here. And if THAT isn't beautiful, I don't know what is. Knowing this will literally transform your life - - even the way you look on the outside. It is the best way I know of to have physical beauty."

This reminded me of the last few posts I've written. I've been learning these same things. I'm so glad I stumbled upon her blog. I'm learning more and more every day. The name of the blog is "A Blog about Love". The name of the post I read is "Best Beauty Secret in the World". Found here.

I also read about why Mara started blogging in the first place and one paragraph is EXACTLY what's been happening to me this year. "But about 5 years ago, the luckiest thing ever happened to me! Someone pulled me out of the deep end and began teaching me a better way to live. I began applying everything I was learning, and my life could not have taken a more complete turn. IT WAS A MIRACLE. I was so amazed that I had the power within me to change like that & to actually become a happier person. I figured out then that there is NOTHING better in this life than knowing what you are made of. Literally nothing."

Reading a lot of her posts makes me very excited because I feel like I've recently discovered the things she's talking about. I think that means I'm on the right track! I also strangely enough feel like Heavenly Father has been guiding me to several different books, talks, blogs, and people that have been able to open my eyes or to reinforce things that I'm learning. (Now that I'm able to recognize the truths that are there for me to find.) This is a very exciting and new stage in my life filled with lots of growth!!!!! It's a wonderful feeling. :)

Redefining the Quest

This year and this blog has been about my quest for beauty. When I first started my quest for beauty, I made a few goals. All of them except for one were goals for outward beauty. Which is what I really needed to work on. But what I didn't realize (on some level I guess I realized this)... but maybe didn't admit was that I should have focused on the inner beauty a little more. Because if you feel good about yourself, the way you present yourself will reflect that. But I also think you can start by dressing and looking better, that helps you feel a little better about yourself too. The point of me saying this is that I finally realized just how much work I needed to do to change my attitude about myself.

I was talking with a friend and she was asking me questions about how I felt about myself and the way I looked. I answered truthfully and she told me that my perception of myself was not correct and that I was worth more. I wanted to believe her, but couldn't. That's when I thought, what if she is right? And deep down I knew she was. But it wasn't that simple. I knew how I should feel about myself but I just couldn't believe it. After that night when I realized just how much I didn't like myself and just how much I didn't trust myself, I knew I needed to change. But as I thought more about actually changing my self-perception, it seemed impossible! How can I just change the way I think about myself? I know what I should think, but that's not how I really feel!

I prayed and fasted about it. It's not going to happen overnight. But you know what? I already have changed how I'm thinking about myself. And I'm starting to change little things. For example, when I have doubts about myself, I decide to trust the good feelings that I have about myself instead of listening to the doubts. Also, if I hear someone talking about me and saying bad things or complaining about me- I decide to not dwell on it and just continue trying to better myself. I don't let what others think I should change affect what I'm doing. I'll never be good enough for everyone. But as I work on things that I want to change, I'll be happy and fulfilled.

Another thing I decided to do is to be my own friend and to be kind to myself. It sounds so simple (and corny) and yet it's not that easy. I thought about how I love all my friends and how easy it is for me to love them and see all the great qualities they have. And if any of them are having a hard time I always want to love and support them and make them feel better. Then I was inspired... what if I did that for myself? I should be my own friend! So when I was feeling down on myself I thought, "what would I do if one of my friends was feeling bad about herself? I would write her a note with her good qualities." So yep, I wrote myself a little post it note and it's on my laptop screen. It lists some of my good qualities. Super corny and embarrassing. But it helped. It's also easy for me to believe the best in all of my friends because I love them. So I decided to believe the best in myself too. Anytime I'm having negative thoughts, I'll just start talking to myself as I would to a friend. Sounds crazy. And I've definitely been talking to myself a lot lately. But it's working. I'm feeling uplifted and confident. I have a lot more work to do. But now I'm aware and I'm trying. :)

More inspiring words that have been helping me along my way.

The Divinity within Me (hey that rhymes!)

So...my ex-husband got sealed to someone else today, and technically we are still sealed as well. And while that's a little weird if I think about it too much, it's okay. I kept wondering if I would somehow feel different today because of it. But no. I feel just fine. I don't even feel sad. I guess the past two weeks I've really been able to figure out my feelings even more regarding the situation. It's been a hard couple of weeks but now I'm so happy to be feeling good and like it's okay to bury the past completely. And I also realized that by Tyler getting remarried this year, it's forced me to be really honest with myself and to face some painful feelings that I had been trying to keep buried. So even though it's been a hard year, it's been a year full of SO MUCH CHANGE for the better! And in the process of looking deep inside of myself, I've discovered several truths about who I am. (Good things!) Some good things I'm admitting to myself are that I am an amazing person. Also, I am special. Like, really. I really am a special and exceptional person. Yeah, I know just like everyone else... but really. I am. The Lord has a great work in store for me. And I couldn't accomplish it without going through the trials and experiences I've been through. Even if that work is just to help others who may go through the same experience as me, it will be worth it if I can help them along the way. I don't know what I would have done without those women who took me aside and said, "I know how you feel, the same thing happened to me. You're not alone. Things will get better. You did not deserve this. You are a wonderful daughter of God."

I always needed others approval before because I didn't like myself or feel good about myself. So I've needed others permission to feel good about myself. That's why when people have been mean or said mean things about me before, it hurt deeply and I took it to heart. Because I believed it, and they were reinforcing my fears about myself. This week, I wrote a dear friend because I was really confused with how I was feeling and I just knew she would have the answers. She was the one who came and picked me up the night Tyler said he wanted a divorce, she's been with me through this whole journey which I appreciate because not very many people know the whole story like she does. I realized that I didn't need permission from her to feel good about myself, but sometimes it's okay to have good friends remind you of your qualities and potential. I'd like to share a few lines of what she wrote me.


"Look back Mary. Look back at the girl you were then, and though excruciatingly painful as it was, what the whole ordeal has helped you to grow to be. A beautiful woman who is learning to see the beauty in herself. Would you have ever achieved that as Tyler's wife? Would you ever have learned to stand on your own two feet with a beautiful blend of strength and empathy? Would you know the wonderful friends you have in your life if life had not altered your course? Would you ever have learned who YOU are, not an extension of a husband or a parent? Would you ever have learned how to completely rely on the tender mercies of the Lord without this experience? Look back Mary. Look back and see how far you have come! Take a minute and be in that place if you need to, and then turn back around and KEEP GOING! Don't lose sight of the beautiful things you see in yourself NOW. Don't lose sight of the beautiful things you want for your future. The Lord isn't through with you. He hasn't left you by the wayside. Look back Mary and see how he has led you and is leading you and trust that he will continue to do just that."


She reminded me that what happened was a good thing. That I am who I am today because of it. That I chose to be better and not bitter. And then I think of all the people (and lifelong friends) I met at BYU that I wouldn't have met if I stayed married. I probably wouldn't even have a college education right now either. Even though it was a truly horrible, painful experience and even though I would have stayed married if I had the choice, it's the path my life took. And I've grown closer to the Lord because of it. And that's why we're here on this earth. To learn and change and grow.

I still have a lot of thoughts and new things that I'm learning circling around in my head. But I will save those thoughts for more blog posts in the future. To sum up this post... I am giving myself permission to be more and to trust myself. I have so much power within me and I plan on living up to the divinity that God has given me. (Wait, so that's what they meant in Young Women when they talked about Divine Nature?! I never really understood that one until now. :) Good thing... since I'm a YW leader! I better pass on what I know!)

Shifting into Me

Do you know what the best kinds of days are? The days when you are able to not only have several realizations that change your outlook on life, but you are also able to make a permanent shift. I'm never quite certain whether these shifts happen in your brain, your soul, or your heart. Maybe all three? Maybe your whole being? I'm also of the opinion that while these shifts can happen in one moment and very suddenly, they take weeks, months, maybe even years to build up to that moment. One rather unpleasant thing about these shifts, is that they tend to happen after intense moments of pain. But the pain is worth it because the shifts are permanent. Do you know what I mean what I say "shift"? Have you ever experienced one for yourself? A shift is when you realize that the way you've been looking at something has been wrong this whole time. And the shift happens when you realize the truth. Truth is very freeing but also can be painful.

I didn't start out the day thinking that a shift was going to happen. I went to church, bore my testimony, got to participate in a great Young Women's lesson, felt uplifted and happy. I started walking home from church. I noticed how beautiful the fall day was and how great it felt outside. I tied up my scriptures in my scarf and happily swung them as I walked. I thanked God for the day and how I was feeling. And then I decided to call my mom. I found out that my ex-husband had gotten permission from the First Presidency to be sealed to someone else in addition to me. I've known for months that this was a possibility. But I guess I wasn't prepared for how I would feel when I found out.

I cried for an hour. I haven't felt so much pain in a really long time. It was kind of wonderful in a way. To be able to forget how it felt. To have not felt that way in so long, to have forgotten how I used to feel that much pain every single hour of every single day for years. The reason I felt so upset was because it made me start to doubt myself again. "Maybe he was right. He had to leave you because you were awful. It was your fault. You deserved to be left. You weren't a good wife. If the First Presidency is allowing him to be sealed again then everything he did and said was right and you deserved all the pain you felt. Why will he never have to feel any of the consequences of what he did?" (Yeah, pretty intense how deep my self-loathing can go...) Another part of my brain that I have been able to develop over these past few years was saying, "Mary, don't listen to that! You know that's not true. You are good enough!" But I let the doubting part of me take over. I knew that I needed help. I made a few calls and arranged to receive a priesthood blessing.

As I received a blessing of comfort, I was oddly enough not feeling comforted! I was confused because priesthood blessings always make me feel better. One of the things the blessing said was that I would be given as many blessings from the Lord as I was willing to receive. I realized that I only didn't feel comforted and loved because I wasn't allowing myself to. Just think of it! I was not even allowing myself to feel God's love. But as I became aware of this fact I realized that God was giving me the choice to receive comfort or not. He wasn't just giving it to me. And with that choice He was giving me yet another opportunity to grow and become stronger. The blessing also said that He knows me better than I know myself. He knows how wonderful I am even if I don't.

So the shift that happened to me today was that I learned that I'm the only one who holds myself back. No one else can hold me back. Not my ex-husband. Not people who may say or do unkind things to me. Just myself. I'm the only one who's keeping myself from being amazing, better, loved, good enough. And realizing that gave me power. I have the power to free myself from myself. Does that make any sense? God can give me anything, but I have to be willing to accept it.

Anyway, after I had that wonderful shift and realized that wonderful truth about myself, I started to feel renewed and reinvigorated. That part of my life is over and I don't need to let any doubt linger. And it's okay that my ex is getting married again. It's a happy thing for him. He gets a second chance and I'm happy that I will also be getting a second chance in the future. I don't have to worry about who was right or wrong in the marriage. It's over. I've learned from it and I'm better because of it. And I can feel comfortable in the choices that I made and the covenants that I've kept.

I'm going to live up to my potential.

Have You Hugged Yourself Today?

Yep, I'm hot. :)


Today I am feeling empowered. Last night I was the total opposite. I was feeling insecure, weak, unworthy, not cute, not pretty, yuck! I was a pathetic crying mess last night. I just felt not so great about myself and at a low point. I felt hopeless and that it seemed impossible to ever change. And then this morning I was angry! I was pretty much pissed off. Why the heck should I feel that way? No way, Jose. I am not going to feel that way. So weirdly enough that anger motivated me to stop feeling so down on myself. Why should I think I'm not good enough? I am freaking awesome! (Also, all of these shifting of feelings might have something to do womanly hormones...) Anyway, basically I am feeling great today! Yes, I do need to change a lot about myself. Yes, I have a lot of work to do so I can look better. But I'll do it when I'm ready. I don't care what other people think about it! It's not really any of their business. (And obviously I'm not always not going to care what others think but at least for today I don't give a damn). And it feels great!!! It feels wonderful to not let what others think shape how I feel about myself. I like myself today and that's all that matters. I'm going to try to keep being kind to myself. And you want to know something really embarrassing? (I cannot believe I'm actually admitting to this....) But I hugged myself today. I just felt like I deserved a hug from myself because I think I'm amazing. Plus I had heard of people hugging themselves before. I was kind of curious. I tried to figure out the logistics of actually hugging myself. (So I put my arms here?... uh...) And even though it was super awkward, as is admitting this for people to see, it felt good. It was a physical manifestation that I approved of myself. I was letting myself know, "Hey Mary I love you. You're pretty great. Keep up the good work." Yep, let's chalk this up to the most embarrassing blog post yet. I really can't believe I'm publishing this... Oh well, today I don't care what you think!!!!!!!!! :)

A girl worth hugging. :)

Reasons Why I'm Awesome!

So.... I think everyone should read this. Oh Cliff. You sure do know how to make a girl cry and smile at the same time. :)

Also here is a picture of me and Cliff being awesome.