Home is Wherever I'm With You

Sometimes visiting with friends can be really sad. I know that sounds really weird because I've had so much fun in Provo with my besties this week. But at times when we were all laughing and having so much fun I would be sad knowing that it wasn't going to last. Another weird thing is that D.C. has finally started feeling like "home". But this time when I visited Provo for some reason it felt like I was living here again. I keep having to remind myself I have to go to the airport tomorrow and fly back to D.C. Provo is just such a part of me and I know the "Provo Mary" so well. The D.C. Mary is a little more reserved and shy still. I wish I had all the confidence in D.C. that I feel here in Provo. I guess that's why I've been able to grow and learn so much in D.C. because I was out of my comfort zone. Part of me wonders can I ever move back to Provo? Or would that be moving backwards? I don't know. I'm still trying to figure out my next move. What comes next after the D.C. chapter in my life? I guess I'll just keep trying to find out. I know the Lord will direct me to where I should go but I have to actually do some work to figure it out. He's not just going to magically tell me what to do. I have to do some digging. Whatever I end up doing and wherever I end up going, I hope I make more marvelous friends along the way.

Here are some pictures of a bonfire I went to the same day that I got my wisdom teeth out... Yeah I'm hard core!
Warning: I'm extra crazy/silly around these particular friends.

Here are a couple of late night mustache videos... Yeah... we're awesome.

I mustache you a question...

...but I'll shave if for later. Muwahahaha! I'm so clever and witty! (Yeah, I didn't come up with that line but it's pretty awesome). Well tomorrow I'm headed to Tennessee to see my family. Usually I only get to go home once a year for Christmas so this is a nice change. I'm staying in Tennessee for a week and then I'm headed to Utah for a week. I'll be in Provo just hanging out with my really awesome, wonderful, amazing, delightful friends! I've made a few friends here in D.C. and I'm really grateful for them. However, Provo just happens to have several people dear to my heart. And these people know me really really well. They have seen me at my very worst (which a couple of years ago was really really really bad....) They have seen my triumphs and successes and my growth. I feel like I can be 100 percent myself when I'm with these people. I feel like I haven't been able to be like that since the last time I went to Utah in April. I feel like a week at home with my family who loves and accepts me and a week with my wonderful friends will renew me and get me through the rest of this year until I get to go home again for Christmas. It's just so refreshing to be able to be yourself with no restraints and holding nothing back. I feel like I'll be able to breathe freely for the next two weeks. I'm super excited! And... I'll just go ahead and post some mustachioed pictures of myself just in case anyone missed them on facebook....Hence the name for this post. And to answer any questions you might have about these pictures... I'm alone in my room alot here in D.C. It was 2 in the morning, I had to get inventive to have some fun!

The Miracle of Forgiveness

Wow. Just...wow. I'm stunned and shocked right now. Something huge has happened. Something amazing. It feels weird but wonderful!!! I'm not being very articulate right now because it's hard to describe. I don't really know if it's appropriate for me to write about this on my blog. But it's such an immense blessing and huge change in my life that I feel like it goes right along with my quest for beauty and change for the better that I've been on. I do want to share it. So.... I'll try to write this in a way that will be understandable.

I recently found out that my ex-husband wants to get a cancellation of our temple sealing. A temple divorce if you will. He's going to be remarried. When I found this out I was really upset. Way more upset than I expected or wanted to be. I mean for goodness sakes it has been five years since we've been divorced why couldn't I just move on? I felt like a lot of really unfair things happened to me in our marriage. And that I was treated unfairly. And that no punishment was given to Tyler for how he treated me. Which made me question myself. This made me feel like I was a bad person. I was severely depressed for years, a few times suicidal. I had a lot of emotional issues I was dealing with. Basically I've been a huge mess for the past 6 years but gradually growing and getting better over time.
In my head I felt like yeah I'm totally okay now. What happened sucked, but I'm better off because of it. But I still felt like it wasn't fair and I was just trying to be the better person I so obviously was. Haha.

You know when you're just lying to yourself, but yet you still try to pretend that you really feel a certain way? Yeah, that was me. Oh of course I don't care about it. I'm so over that! But really I was secretly hoping that my ex's life would turn out badly because I felt that his actions towards me would be punished in some way. I was hoping his "true colors" would come out so everyone would see the person that I saw in our marriage. I didn't really want to accept the fact that I had a part in the failure of our marriage. I felt like I was the victim. I'm still not sure about who's to blame really. I know that I really was treated unfairly. But the one thing I know is that I didn't want to give up on our temple marriage. However, Tyler did.

I've been swinging from one extreme to the other this whole time. I would go from "I didn't have anything to do with this divorce, I was just stupid enough to pick a bad husband" to "It was all my fault. I should have done a better job being a wife". I couldn't really stay in the middle. That's a problem I have. I'm an extremist! (I really am working on it though!)

Well, I've been okay with just trying to move on with my life lately but in the back of my mind I still felt that my ex-husband was a real sleaze bag. I still felt like I was bearing the cross of a wife who was mistreated. I had moved on but I still had bad feelings towards my ex-husband.

I was thinking about what I would write in the letter to the First Presidency telling them what had happened. It was finally my chance to tell someone the injustices that I had been through and they would know that I was telling the truth. They would know that I wasn't lying because they have the gifts of discernment and the spirit. But I was still worried about what to write. I was confused about how I should be feeling. I was talking to my dad and he asked me, "If you could have any outcome in this situation, what would you want it to be?" The first thought that crossed my mind was that I didn't want Tyler getting remarried in the temple because he didn't deserve it. He finally needed to be accountable for what he did to me. But I went and got a blessing from my bishop. And I continued thinking about the question my dad asked me. What did I really want? I looked deep inside of myself. The kind of deepness where you are completely honest with yourself with no excuses. And this is where the miracle comes in. The thing I found there and what I whispered to myself was, "I want Tyler to be happy". And I was shocked that I really meant it. And as soon as I realized that I really meant it, all of the bad and unfair things that I was holding on to, all the bad things that I associated with my ex-husband passed through my head like a movie. And they all floated away and disappeared. (This sounds really cheesy and cliche but I don't know how else to describe it.) I felt like I could breathe again and that a huge weight had been lifted off of my chest. (Yes, very trite but I guess there's a reason why these phrases get used so much... because that's how it really felt!!!)

So there you have it. It's finally here. I finally feel like it's okay to forgive my ex-husband 100%. Yes what happened really sucked. It was extremely hard. But I was strong enough to get through it with Heavenly Father's help. I am a better person now. I have learned so much from the whole experience of marriage, abuse, depression, divorce. And the latest lesson I've been learning is that miracles really do still happen. Because (and excuse my language) there is no way in hell I would have really wanted my ex-husband to be happy on my own. Heavenly Father answered my prayers that I would be able to forgive Tyler and move on completely. It has certainly been a journey.

I just wanted to share this with my blog readers because maybe it will inspire you guys to not give up and to truly believe that all things are possible through the atonement and through Christ. I know this is a really really personal thing and I'm not trying to treat it lightly by writing about it on here. As you all know, I am just really honest. So I am sharing it with all of you. And I'm happy to know what I will be writing to the First Presidency. :)

Talents and Trials

I always feel somehow before I write a new blog post that something in me is shifting and changing. And I try to understand the things that I'm feeling and understand the new thoughts in my head. And when I finally think I understand this new part of me that I've discovered, I try to share it through writing on my blog.

Some things I've been thinking about lately are the different trials that everyone goes through. And why? Well obviously there are many different reasons as to why people go through trials but I was thinking about why that specific trial for that specific person? What if my big trial in life (so far) wasn't divorce and depression? What if I lost my parents? What if I was raped or sexually abused as a child? What if I got really really sick? What if I had same-gender attraction? These are all trials that I've had close friends go through. And in many cases they think my trial was harder and I think theirs would have been more difficult to go through.
The reason for that is probably because when you go through a really hard trial and you actually make it through, you know that you can do it simply because you've already done it.

But if someone told me when I was 18 what was going to happen to me I know that I would have thought there was no way I could go through that. But the point is I did. And when you have a hardship facing you in life your only choice is to make it through. You never know how courageous and strong you can be until you have no other choice. However, one choice you do have in regards to trials is how you will react. And the only way that I made it through was by turning towards God rather than away from Him.

But I am still trying to digest why we each have our own different trials. The Lord knows what we can handle and what is best for us but it makes me wonder more about who we all were before this life. Were there some innate qualities inside my spirit that qualified me to go through my trials? I'm starting to learn that there really are some qualities that I have that make me unique.

Sometimes when we think of talents we completely overlook some really amazing talents in favor of lauding those who have the obvious talents of music, dancing, singing, performing. But I'm learning that even if I don't have really obvious talents, I still have really awesome and admiral qualities that others might wish they had. I will forgo listing these talents.... okay okay I'll list them! Just don't think I'm being full of myself or vain. It took me a while to figure out these talents and to believe others when they kept telling me I had them.

I am funny (I really never believed anyone who told me that until my friend Heather told me I was funny because I think she is one of the funniest people ever!). I am sincere. I am kind and considerate. I notice little things about people and I'm observant of others needs and feelings. I am a good friend. I am sensitive to the promptings of the Spirit. I am compassionate and empathetic and can relate very well to others. And I am happy and fun to be around. (This last quality is one that I am proud of because I'm so relieved to not be depressed anymore!!!) But apparently I am not very humble...?

I think I developed most of these qualities because of the trials I went through but I wonder if they were just there to begin with when I was just an intelligence and a spirit? We all have the ability to someday become like God but surely our spirits were all different and unique? I guess it comes down to the fact that God gives us/gave us different talents and we can develop every talent eventually in the eternities. And hopefully quite a few in this lifetime as well.

My heart aches for some of the trials that others have to go through. And I can't imagine ever going through them. And I wonder why God allows that kind of suffering. But I always remember that God is the reason why I made it through my trial because He helped me through. And because we have the atonement, everything will be justified and made right in the end. And I trust in the Lord enough to know that He knows the reason for people's trials even if I can't comprehend them.

So I don't know if talents and trials are at all connected but it's something I've been thinking about lately.

Love Letter

Dear Future Husband,

I have a feeling I’m going to be meeting you pretty soon! The last few letters I wrote to you are kind of weird and embarrassing because I was really young and then I was going through a hard time…. But I feel much better now!!! And I’m much older and wiser! I also have a better idea of what you will be like. I can’t wait to meet you.

Sometimes I catch myself throughout the day smiling a secret smile because I’m thinking of you. I think about us going walks together and holding hands. I think about going to church and not feeling so alone anymore. I imagine us lying in bed at night and not being able to stop giggling because we are such huge dorks.

Whenever I’m out and about sometimes I think I see you. Or I see someone that reminds me of you. How can someone remind me of you when I’ve never met you? Yeah, I don’t know it’s kind of weird… But there are some guys that I think have certain characteristics I know you’ll have. I know you’ll have a very open and welcoming smile so that anyone who sees your smile will immediately feel at ease. And you will have eyes that are loving and understanding. People in your company will never feel judged or like they are bothering you.

I don’t know exactly when I’m going to be meeting you or when you’ll read this letter. But I’m trying to be the kind of woman you would want to fall in love with. I’m trying to be someone you will respect and admire. I also don’t know how exactly we’re going to meet. But just please have some patience with me when we do meet. I’m a little shy when it comes to men. I still have some trust issues and I’m still afraid that guys will only hurt me. It might take a little while for me to believe you when you tell me I’m the gal for you. But once I know I will believe you and trust you completely.

I’ve known for a few years now that you’re going to be an amazing man. I’ve felt it several times that not only will you be a great guy who treats me well, you will be an extra AMAZING one of a kind guy. A wonderful man. Which makes me think that I must be a pretty amazing woman to end up with someone as special as you.

So I’ll be seeing you soon. I can’t wait! Let’s spend hours quoting our favorite movie lines and making up silly songs together ok? Ok.
P.S. Are you going to have facial hair like the guy in the above picture? If so, I'm sure you'll rock it! :)

I love you,
Your lovely Mary

There is Beauty All Around... When You're at Girl's Camp!

So yesterday I went up to girl's camp for the night. I'm a leader in the Young Women's Presidency in my ward (I go to a family ward here in D.C., the Capitol Hill ward to be exact). I couldn't go for the whole week since I work and I've already taken off/planned to take off all my vacation days. But I got to go on the last night to the testimony meeting. I don't know if any of you remember going to girl's camp (if you grew up as a Mormon girl) but I always remembered how spiritual the testimony meetings were at camp. I bore my testimony for the very first time at girl's camp when I was 12. I think everyone feels much more comfortable sharing their testimonies at camp in an intimate setting. And when you are a teenage girl between the ages of 12 and 18 you feel emotions very strongly. Everyone was crying! But it was such a wonderful testimony meeting. It's super crazy and sad how much these girls have to go through at such a young age. But then I remember that they are super strong spirits that waited to come here when they did. As I was sitting there in the woods while all these girls were bearing their testimonies I felt the spirit so strongly. More strongly then I have for a long time. And I felt the beauty of these girls. I saw how beautiful they were and I could picture them as they would be in the future growing into beautiful young women. I felt such strong love for them. It's funny because I've been searching for beauty this whole year... and all I needed was to go to girl's camp and I was surrounded by it! And I think about how all over the country different stakes and wards are having girls camp right now and they all have girls who are just as strong and beautiful. Last night I couldn't fall asleep in the leaders tent. I was laying awake listening to Mr. Owl hooting above my tent (he was super chatty). I couldn't sleep and it was 3 am but I was still happy. Thinking about those wonderful girls make me very happy. Especially these three sisters. Here are some amazing and beautiful sisters that are in my ward.

Roberta -the youngest

Paula- the middle sister

Dory- the oldest sister

We had 8 girls from our ward go but I really love these three sisters. They are so loving to each other and to others. (And they all happen to love me!)

Mission Statement

Well as you might have noticed I changed my background and name of my blog. When I started this blog and really started writing posts, it was in January when I moved to Washington D.C. I wanted to document the fun things I did in D.C. and any stories as a nanny that I might have. While I can still do that, I realized that my blog turned into something that I used to document my journey or quest to finding beauty. And since I write about that kind of stuff more I decided to change up my blog a little. I like the mustache background because to me it just is a fun way to say hey I'm beautiful with a mustache! Okay not really... I just like mustaches... I mustache you a question... Haha!