1st Slip Up

Brownies. Oh brownies.

Here is the story of my first slip up. It was bound to happen when I said my one month of eating absolutely no sweets was over.

I had a girls night on Friday night and I asked what I could bring. My friend wanted me to bring a dessert so I thought brownies would be easy/delicious. I brought the brownies and had such a fun time! I only ate one brownie and when I did it made me feel slightly gross/sick. So I thought that was really good and congratulated myself. At the end of the night I took my pan home with a few brownies still in it and figured my roommates could eat the leftovers.

The next morning I saw the brownies sitting on the table. I thought since I had control over the brownies the night before "just one bite" would be nothing. I was wrong! After just one bite I started cramming the brownies into my mouth. I ate two brownies in like 1.6 seconds. I knew that it wasn't good because I felt out of control and the way I was eating them was incredibly fast and I wasn't even savoring them at all; I was scraping them out of the pan with my hands. By the time I realized what I was doing I had already eaten two.

I don't think I purposefully binged, I don't think two brownies could even be considered bingeing. But I had a slip up. It wasn't on purpose, I think it was just habit. I don't know. Nothing was wrong, I wasn't stressed. It was just a fun Saturday morning with the whole day ahead of me with no pressing engagements.

But afterwards I definitely felt really guilty and bad. I ended up going for a really long walk and even ran a few times. It felt cathartic to just go outside and push myself and get some endorphins going. I felt much better when I got home.

I'm currently working on Step 6 of the 12 Step Program for Addicts. (The Church Handbook). It's called "a change of heart". I think I might be on this step for a long time. It talks about how you're at the point where you've given up your addiction (although you may still be having a few slip ups which is normal) but you still WANT your addiction. It's all about figuring out how to have this change of heart so you don't want to do that thing anymore ever. I still want to eat sweets/binge.

True repentance is giving up something and not only never doing it again, but desiring to do it no more. It's about having a change of heart.

I met with the bishop yesterday and told him about my progress. He said to keep doing what I'm doing. But one thing that I felt as I met with him was that I need to be more humble. I think I keep forgetting that I'm not having success on my own, the Lord is helping me. And it's going to take a lot more humility and very humble/sincere prayer for me to continue on and have a true change of heart. And it's only going to come through the Atonement. And I think a part of me is still holding on to food, I don't want to completely give it up yet. So I need to be 100 % completely willing and ready. Yes I've made progress but I have a lot further to go. I know when I'm ready and I turn to the Lord with sincerity and desire in my heart, it will happen. I just have to figure out how to get to that point. I'm working on it.