Depression feels like drowning. You are struggling and you can't breathe but everyone around you wonders why you don't just pull yourself up out of the water. Why don't you just rescue yourself? Every once in a while you break through the surface and gasp that little bit of breath before heading back under. But you are just surviving and every moment is a struggle. It takes all of your energy just to stay alive but you are expected to act like everything is fine. Like you are lounging in an inner tube instead of drowning underneath the water. You still have to go about your day to day tasks and duties when you have no breath left and you have no energy. And everyone looks at you and wonders why you are so lazy and why can't you just get it together? Others who are coasting by on their floats and boats pass by you and wonder why you can't just float? It's only drowning. No big deal. There comes a point where you just want to stop the struggle to breathe and just give into the dark depths of the water. To just relax into the comfort of oblivion. To just give up and stop trying to fight.
But there is something that comes from this underwater struggle. All of that time spent underwater struggling to stay afloat and stay alive makes your muscles stronger. You are able to hold your breath underwater for longer periods of time. After spending all that time underwater you are able to see things more clearly through the seemingly murky water. You notice things the people who are busy floating above the water on their backs don't notice. You find treasures and pearls buried at the bottom of the ocean.
Finding beauty in myself and others.
April 23, 2013
April 21, 2013
I realized something important today. Well, maybe not so much realized as was just honest with myself. I have depression and anxiety and it is going to be something I will always struggle with my whole life. It is not my fault. It is no one's fault. It is a disease that I have. The very fortunate thing is that I no longer have clinical depression- which is something much much worse than "regular" run of the mill depression.
Something that I realized/decided today is that I do not have this because I am not doing things right in my life. It's also not because I am still "messed up" from what happened in my marriage and divorce. It's not because I need to keep going to counseling or therapy. The fact of the matter is that it is simply a disease that my brain has. The chemicals and/or lack thereof affect me about one or two weeks a month. I get enough sleep, I have good and healthy relationships, I have resolved most of my issues, I eat healthy foods and I exercise regularly. I have to face up to the fact that my body has a disease and that's ok. Sometimes I am just going to be sad for no reason. I read this in a blog recently and was struck by how true that it was for me as well.
"There's that phrase: you'll struggle with this for the rest of your life. And oh how I loathed that phrase and fought against that phrase and worked to make that phrase obsolete. But here, on the other side, I've come to realize it's not the eating disorder I may struggle with the rest of my life, but all the other things that I emptied into it. Fear and anxiety and a propensity to get sad. Startlingly deep emotional reactions that overwhelm and unnerve. Lack of confidence. Questions of worth."
The really important thing I realized and decided today was that I have enough faith in Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father to know that there is a reason why I have this affliction. And I have enough trust and faith in Christ that I know that there is a purpose in my trials and weaknesses and afflictions. I am not suffering needlessly. I trust that there is a reason for this and that I can learn and grow from it. And I know that Heavenly Father loves me and wants me to be happy. I am trusting that He is doing what is best for me and that He knows what the big picture is that I can't see from my limited scope.
The good news is that I know how to deal with this depression and anxiety. I know how to keep things from getting too out of hand. I know what steps I need to take when it starts getting really bad. And I know that I will be okay. I am not sure yet if I want to get back on any medication because it is really REALLY hard to be dependent on medication and it's a scary thing. It was such a huge victory for me when I finally went off my medication. And this doesn't feel anywhere near as horrible and hellish as truly severe clinical depression. And you can't be on this medication when you are pregnant. And that's a goal of mine is to have children. I don't think I will be getting back on medication anytime soon.
I will continue to focus on helping and serving others. I got a new calling today on the compassionate service committee (there are two of us). I am very excited!!! It is one of my favorite callings and it uses some of the God given talents that I possess and some of the talents and things I have developed through having depression.
I will continue to look at this struggle as a blessing and as an opportunity for growth. Which to me means that the utter lack of hope and despair that usually accompanies depression is not present right now. And that is a very good sign. I am just very sad and emotional and tired a lot. And I have to do a lot more work fending off bad thoughts and self doubts that have been tripled lately. But I know I am strong enough and I will continue to do the things I need to do to be healthy spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically. I am grateful for all the things that are right and good and healthy in my life. I am so blessed and have so much.
Something that I realized/decided today is that I do not have this because I am not doing things right in my life. It's also not because I am still "messed up" from what happened in my marriage and divorce. It's not because I need to keep going to counseling or therapy. The fact of the matter is that it is simply a disease that my brain has. The chemicals and/or lack thereof affect me about one or two weeks a month. I get enough sleep, I have good and healthy relationships, I have resolved most of my issues, I eat healthy foods and I exercise regularly. I have to face up to the fact that my body has a disease and that's ok. Sometimes I am just going to be sad for no reason. I read this in a blog recently and was struck by how true that it was for me as well.
"There's that phrase: you'll struggle with this for the rest of your life. And oh how I loathed that phrase and fought against that phrase and worked to make that phrase obsolete. But here, on the other side, I've come to realize it's not the eating disorder I may struggle with the rest of my life, but all the other things that I emptied into it. Fear and anxiety and a propensity to get sad. Startlingly deep emotional reactions that overwhelm and unnerve. Lack of confidence. Questions of worth."
The really important thing I realized and decided today was that I have enough faith in Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father to know that there is a reason why I have this affliction. And I have enough trust and faith in Christ that I know that there is a purpose in my trials and weaknesses and afflictions. I am not suffering needlessly. I trust that there is a reason for this and that I can learn and grow from it. And I know that Heavenly Father loves me and wants me to be happy. I am trusting that He is doing what is best for me and that He knows what the big picture is that I can't see from my limited scope.
The good news is that I know how to deal with this depression and anxiety. I know how to keep things from getting too out of hand. I know what steps I need to take when it starts getting really bad. And I know that I will be okay. I am not sure yet if I want to get back on any medication because it is really REALLY hard to be dependent on medication and it's a scary thing. It was such a huge victory for me when I finally went off my medication. And this doesn't feel anywhere near as horrible and hellish as truly severe clinical depression. And you can't be on this medication when you are pregnant. And that's a goal of mine is to have children. I don't think I will be getting back on medication anytime soon.
I will continue to focus on helping and serving others. I got a new calling today on the compassionate service committee (there are two of us). I am very excited!!! It is one of my favorite callings and it uses some of the God given talents that I possess and some of the talents and things I have developed through having depression.
I will continue to look at this struggle as a blessing and as an opportunity for growth. Which to me means that the utter lack of hope and despair that usually accompanies depression is not present right now. And that is a very good sign. I am just very sad and emotional and tired a lot. And I have to do a lot more work fending off bad thoughts and self doubts that have been tripled lately. But I know I am strong enough and I will continue to do the things I need to do to be healthy spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically. I am grateful for all the things that are right and good and healthy in my life. I am so blessed and have so much.
April 8, 2013
Do Not Fear
“Wherefore, be of good cheer, and do not fear, for I the Lord am with you, and will stand by you; and ye shall bear record of me, even Jesus Christ, that I am the Son of the living God, that I was, that I am, and that I am to come” (D&C 68:6)
Lately I've been having a lot of fear about the future and it seems that Satan has really been attacking my weaknesses. Last week I was doing totally fine I went to the temple and enjoyed doing a session for my great great grandmother. And then the very next day I was sobbing in my room because I kept having these thoughts come into my mind. Things like, "no one really loves you Mary" and "no one really cares about you". "And it's because you are worthless". I was like HOLD UP ONE MINUTE! I know that's not true! I've been spending the last couple of years learning how that is not the case and learning that I am worth loving. But the thoughts kept coming with a great force and I tried to stand up against each thought but eventually got the wind knocked out of me and was reduced to sobbing on my bed.
Eventually I realized that it was Satan putting these thoughts in my mind. And I knew that they were not true but they are still great fears of mine and Satan knows that. I eventually decided to not let it get me down and tried to think of a way to do something good for someone else. I decided to work on sketching out a new painting for my friend and being creative helped me to calm down and feel much better.
I don't know why I keep getting buffeted by Satan making me so scared but I can only hope it means something really good is about to happen. And I am going to keep trying to do all the little seemingly inconsequential things that will keep me on track. Things like going to FHE, institute, and the temple every week, listening to a conference talk every morning, reading my scriptures during my lunch break, and running and training for my 5k next month. I am trying to reach out more to others and have made several new friends already this month. I will keep pushing forward no matter how much Satan tries to discourage me.
I also think saying your fears out loud can help diminish them and maybe just help reduce their power over you. Some of my greatest fears are:
That I will not be a good mother or I will hurt my children in some way.
That I will not enjoy being a mother and I will resent my children.
That my ex-husband was justified in his treatment of me and that he did the right thing in leaving me.
That I won't be happy with my future husband and that he will hurt me or not love me enough.
That I am not lovable or worth loving.
That I can't change.
That I am a bad person.
Whew. That is some vulnerability right there folks. Those are all very real fears but the wonderful thing is that I know (well mostly know...) that they are all not true. And if I trust in the Lord, and I keep His commandments and keep acting instead of being acted upon, I will be successful through all my trials and I can be with Heavenly Father again someday. And I can have happiness and joy in this life as well, no matter what happens, by the small choices I consistently make every day.
If you have some fears either lurking in the back of your mind or filling up your whole being I encourage you to say them out loud or write them down. You will see that they are lies. Pray to Heavenly Father about your fears and He will help quiet them. Face the future with faith and not fear.
P.S. I prayed that I would feel loved and like I mattered to one person in particular and that prayer was answered the very next day and all weekend. I love answers to prayers even when they are maybe dumb things to pray for.
P.P.S. Thanks to all my friends who are mothers who helped quiet a new fear of mine. All of your words and reassurances and testimonies helped me so much!
Lately I've been having a lot of fear about the future and it seems that Satan has really been attacking my weaknesses. Last week I was doing totally fine I went to the temple and enjoyed doing a session for my great great grandmother. And then the very next day I was sobbing in my room because I kept having these thoughts come into my mind. Things like, "no one really loves you Mary" and "no one really cares about you". "And it's because you are worthless". I was like HOLD UP ONE MINUTE! I know that's not true! I've been spending the last couple of years learning how that is not the case and learning that I am worth loving. But the thoughts kept coming with a great force and I tried to stand up against each thought but eventually got the wind knocked out of me and was reduced to sobbing on my bed.
Eventually I realized that it was Satan putting these thoughts in my mind. And I knew that they were not true but they are still great fears of mine and Satan knows that. I eventually decided to not let it get me down and tried to think of a way to do something good for someone else. I decided to work on sketching out a new painting for my friend and being creative helped me to calm down and feel much better.
I don't know why I keep getting buffeted by Satan making me so scared but I can only hope it means something really good is about to happen. And I am going to keep trying to do all the little seemingly inconsequential things that will keep me on track. Things like going to FHE, institute, and the temple every week, listening to a conference talk every morning, reading my scriptures during my lunch break, and running and training for my 5k next month. I am trying to reach out more to others and have made several new friends already this month. I will keep pushing forward no matter how much Satan tries to discourage me.
I also think saying your fears out loud can help diminish them and maybe just help reduce their power over you. Some of my greatest fears are:
That I will not be a good mother or I will hurt my children in some way.
That I will not enjoy being a mother and I will resent my children.
That my ex-husband was justified in his treatment of me and that he did the right thing in leaving me.
That I won't be happy with my future husband and that he will hurt me or not love me enough.
That I am not lovable or worth loving.
That I can't change.
That I am a bad person.
Whew. That is some vulnerability right there folks. Those are all very real fears but the wonderful thing is that I know (well mostly know...) that they are all not true. And if I trust in the Lord, and I keep His commandments and keep acting instead of being acted upon, I will be successful through all my trials and I can be with Heavenly Father again someday. And I can have happiness and joy in this life as well, no matter what happens, by the small choices I consistently make every day.
If you have some fears either lurking in the back of your mind or filling up your whole being I encourage you to say them out loud or write them down. You will see that they are lies. Pray to Heavenly Father about your fears and He will help quiet them. Face the future with faith and not fear.
P.S. I prayed that I would feel loved and like I mattered to one person in particular and that prayer was answered the very next day and all weekend. I love answers to prayers even when they are maybe dumb things to pray for.
P.P.S. Thanks to all my friends who are mothers who helped quiet a new fear of mine. All of your words and reassurances and testimonies helped me so much!
March 28, 2013
Wet hair and No Makeup
Sometimes you go for a run, and then you get all gross and sweaty and you rush to take a shower before heading to institute. And although it might cross your mind that you will be socializing afterwards, you don't really care that you don't have time to put on any makeup or dry your hair before running over to the church. And then you have a wonderful lesson about the temple and come out of class feeling so uplifted and happy you came to institute. And then a boy tells you that you "look really amazing tonight" and gives you a hug, even though you protest that you have wet hair and no makeup on. And well, sometimes it can just make your whole week. :) (Especially because it's followed up with Fro Zen Yo).
March 11, 2013
Occupation: Mother
Is it okay not to desire to have a career?
I've always wanted to be a mother for as long as I can remember. I always played with baby dolls growing up. I've felt the presence of my unborn children during those really crucial moments in my life. When I first got my patriarchal blessing my favorite part was when it talked about the children I would bear in this lifetime, on this earth, and the things that I should teach them and do for them.
My major in college was not only something I was passionate about, it was teaching me how I could be a better mother both in theory and in practice. I have a Bachelor of Science in Home and Family Living. It is the science of families, how they are made up and how to run a home.
But since leaving school and heading out into "the real world" I feel so much pressure to have a career. Especially living here in D.C. The questions that are asked when I meet new people have switched from "so what's your major?" to "what are you doing here in D.C."? Meaning, what career do you have. It's kind of gone from what do you want to be when you grow up to what are you doing now as a grown up.
I know so many people who want to be a wonderful mother and also to have a career and I think that is wonderful. But I really want my career to be being a mother and staying home with my children. I feel a little guilty, a little judged, or that people think I am way too old-fashioned and not "with it".
A few weeks ago a new patient came in and I had the lady fill out a form with all her information. We have a line on the form asking where they work and what their occupation is. As I was putting her information in the computer I saw on her chart written next to "occupation" it said Mother. Not homemaker, not "stay-at-home-mom". Simply Mother. That simple declaration written on someone's medical chart, shot straight to my heart. Mother.
That's what I want to do too.
I do know that there are many great things that I will accomplish in this lifetime and there are many people who's lives I can better. There is a life mission I have that is completely unique to who I am. I know I will be a great leader and a teacher and a mighty worker with youth. These are all things that my patriarchal blessing tells me. I know I will do things to make this world a little bit better. I just don't know that they will necessarily be big things. But it is by small and simple things that much good is brought forth. It is the small things that people have done for me that I remember and cherish the most.
What do I want to be when I grow up? A professional mother!
I've always wanted to be a mother for as long as I can remember. I always played with baby dolls growing up. I've felt the presence of my unborn children during those really crucial moments in my life. When I first got my patriarchal blessing my favorite part was when it talked about the children I would bear in this lifetime, on this earth, and the things that I should teach them and do for them.
My major in college was not only something I was passionate about, it was teaching me how I could be a better mother both in theory and in practice. I have a Bachelor of Science in Home and Family Living. It is the science of families, how they are made up and how to run a home.
But since leaving school and heading out into "the real world" I feel so much pressure to have a career. Especially living here in D.C. The questions that are asked when I meet new people have switched from "so what's your major?" to "what are you doing here in D.C."? Meaning, what career do you have. It's kind of gone from what do you want to be when you grow up to what are you doing now as a grown up.
I know so many people who want to be a wonderful mother and also to have a career and I think that is wonderful. But I really want my career to be being a mother and staying home with my children. I feel a little guilty, a little judged, or that people think I am way too old-fashioned and not "with it".
A few weeks ago a new patient came in and I had the lady fill out a form with all her information. We have a line on the form asking where they work and what their occupation is. As I was putting her information in the computer I saw on her chart written next to "occupation" it said Mother. Not homemaker, not "stay-at-home-mom". Simply Mother. That simple declaration written on someone's medical chart, shot straight to my heart. Mother.
That's what I want to do too.
I do know that there are many great things that I will accomplish in this lifetime and there are many people who's lives I can better. There is a life mission I have that is completely unique to who I am. I know I will be a great leader and a teacher and a mighty worker with youth. These are all things that my patriarchal blessing tells me. I know I will do things to make this world a little bit better. I just don't know that they will necessarily be big things. But it is by small and simple things that much good is brought forth. It is the small things that people have done for me that I remember and cherish the most.
What do I want to be when I grow up? A professional mother!
February 28, 2013
Everyone has Choices
Lately I've been kind of sad because some people very close to me are going through really hard times in their lives right now. I've been through what they've been through and that's why it hurts me knowing they have to suffer through that. I wish they didn't have to go through this pain but at the same time I know that I am grateful that I did and what I learned from it. It almost hurts more when it's happening to someone I love, rather than myself. Dang... and I can't even imagine what it's going to be like when I have kids and they have to go through really hard things.
But there are some trials and some terrible, unspeakable things that people have to go through. And I've just been thinking about these tragedies and these horrible things that happen to innocent people. Children who have to go out in this very hard world and put on a brave face so no one knows anything is wrong, and then come home to a place that is nothing like a home. A place where they are abused and beaten down in every sense of the word.
I've just been trying to reconcile this in my mind. I've been praying for understanding why people have to go through such awful things. It's just not fair, it's just not right. Why do I have the comfortable life I have and the Gospel and a good family and they don't? What do they have?
And then the answer came to me. "Everyone does have choices." Everyone has a choice to make. Even though awful things happen to people that they have no control over, they still have some type of choice. A choice to keep going. A choice to move on. A choice to ask for help. A choice to change. A choice to be happy. A choice to do something different.
As I look back on the hardest times of my life and my lowest of lows, I think about the choices that I made at those very critical moments. I am happy to say I chose well and I am proud of the choices I've made. And I know Heavenly Father is proud of those choices as well. I know because that exact phrase was used in several priesthood blessings I've received. "Heavenly Father is proud of the choices you have made that have brought you to where you are now".
I pray that I will always be able to make the choices that will lead me back to Heavenly Father and everlasting joy.
A Freer Sky
"How much larger your life would be if [you] could become smaller in it. . . . You would begin to be interested in [others]. You would break out of this tiny . . . theatre in which your own little plot is always being played, and you would find yourself under a freer sky, in a street full of splendid strangers" (G.K. Chesterton).
This quote is my current goal. I didn't know how to express what I was feeling until I read this. But somehow I knew it was what I needed to do. I'm so glad I saw this quote today. I have been feeling stifled by myself, by my own tiny theatre as it were. I want a freer sky.
This quote is my current goal. I didn't know how to express what I was feeling until I read this. But somehow I knew it was what I needed to do. I'm so glad I saw this quote today. I have been feeling stifled by myself, by my own tiny theatre as it were. I want a freer sky.
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