Believe the Good

Why is it that whenever someone says something nice about you, you never believe it or doubt it or you think "what a nice person you are but I'm afraid you're wrong about me." But as soon as someone says something horrible about you or even just a little mean about you, you immediately believe it and take it to be the gospel truth 100% forever? I don't know, maybe it's just me... I have an ex-husband. Did you know that? Well, I do. (And I'm sure you know because I always write about it on here...) Anyway, he used to say really unkind things to me in the most convincing manner. I believed him so deeply that even when I thought I was rid of his voice in my head I realized that his voice had become my own voice. Because I believed him. That voice in my head became my own saying that I wasn't good enough, I was going to fail so why try. That I was worthless and that I hated myself. When I used to get really depressed a lot I would sit and cry and pull at my hair in desperation and scream inside my head "I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!" One day I thought "who am I talking about?" And I realized I was talking to myself. I hated myself. People would try to cheer me up by pretending to be nice. Or saying things maybe they really though were true but how could they know how horrible I really was inside? It was a secret part of myself I didn't want people to know. I didn't want them to know that I was a monster and a truly awful person. Because that really is how I felt until a year and a half ago. It was weird how it happened. I guess it was just the right timing and a bunch of little things and events happened to culminate that exact moment when I was sitting in my living room with my dear friend Heather just talking. And all of a sudden it hit me. I had a huge revelation and total a-ha moment. I realized..... that I was a good person. And I believed it.

The reason why I'm writing about this now is because for my birthday this year I asked people to write things they liked about me or admired about me. And you know what? I believed EVERY STINKING SINGLE NICE THING that people wrote about me. And I thought, "wow I really am growing!" because now I believe the good that other people tell me about myself. My quest for beauty has really also helped me to see the beauty in myself and in others. Actually it's never been that hard for me to see the beauty in others, just in myself. So my quest for beauty has been helping me to accept my own beauty and goodness. I just want to tell anyone who may read this that you should believe the good and don't listen to the bad. Yes we all have things we need to work on but if someone is bringing you down don't listen to them.

Here are a couple of really nice things people said about me... yes I am posting them on here because it's my blog and I can do that if I want!!!!

You are so freaking amazing with the best sense of humor and the greatest love for people. You are so understanding and not judging. You're a great listener and have the best laugh ever. Wheeze laugh!!!! You are an inspiring person who knows how to overcom some tough $%@&! ;) I love you girl! In most sincerity, happy birthday :)

Happy Birthday!!! The thing I admire most about you is your strength. The things I like about you most are how relatable you are and how good you are at validating me and also how easy it is to just be with you and laugh and talk! The things I love about you most are your kindness and sincerity and spirituality and also that you are a really good friend! And by being a really good friend I mean that you possess all the qualities people look for in a true friend and are just good at being a friend. I love that you are one of my best friends and that we are going to be friends forever, and I feel proud that I get to call you my friend. Really, I do. Love you Mary!

Now the things i love about you:
1. How much you really care
2. The spirit you have
3. The courage you have
But most of all.... I lovest you big sister, you weirdo! :)

Mary had a little plan, to move away and grow.
But every where that Mary went our hearts were sure to go.
They followed her onto a plane, through some states and on the train,
They follow her all the way, singing Happy Birthda-AY!!! (I love this poem my friend wrote...)

I admire how you are continuously striving to improve your life in all aspects. I also admire how observant you are. You are mindful of others needs and feelings. You will be an amazing mother when the time comes and I feel that time will be soon enough. You will be better prepared as a mother than many of us were...I love the woman you have become...Happy Birthday May-May (this one's from my mom!)

You have a pretty voice both singing and speaking. I remember admiring it in our choir class. Your voice has a gentle tone that is matched with gentle words.

‎1. You genuinely care about other people, you don't need fake it, I really feel like you mean it. 2. You're eyes are gorgeous Mary! It's like "Root Beer" brown, remember? :) HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Mary!! You are so FUNNY that's what I like about you! And I love your laugh. You're art is pretty sweet too. And you have so much faaaiiiith. Last but not least, I'm gonna jump on the genuine bandwagon-i love how you just say what you think and feel. It's very refreshing and it's very you. Bottom-line-you're AWESOME. happy birthday!

Okay that wasn't even all of them! But I really appreciated everything everyone had to say. I feel so blessed, capable, and loved after reading all of these.
And to end with a little note to myself:

Mary on her 25th Birthday

Today is my 25th birthday. It is a special birthday for many reasons.
1.)First of all 25 is my favorite number. Random I know.
2.)I am now a quarter of a century old! (And I am almost exactly half my mom's age... she's turning 50 in a couple of weeks... shh!)
3.)I am HEALTHY this year. And by healthy I mean, I'm not puking my guts out for five hours every fifteen minutes. I puked several times for A WEEK last year. Starting on my birthday. My friends were bringing over cake and ice cream and we were going to have a bowling party. I was thanking them for bringing the cake and ice cream and telling them "please leave now so you don't have to see me puke!" I went to a work party earlier in the day and I threw up like five times at work. At least I made it into the trash can. I had to wait til I felt like I could stop puking long enough to have my friend drive me home. I won't even go into the fact that my face was swollen and I was in the most physical pain of my life from my tooth being infected and that I had to have freaking surgery!!!! Okay... so that was last year on my birthday. I'm so glad that this year I am 100% a-okay! And I have a cool scar from that...
4.)Today marks a whole year since I've stopped taking anti-depressants. A whole year where I didn't have to rely on medication because my depression was so bad. A year relatively free from depression. (I've had a couple of days or random week but I attribute those bad days to when I was stressed out in school and to hormones). It is AMAZING!!! I love being "normal" and happy!
5.)I have GROWN SO MUCH! It's so weird. I was reading my journal from my birthday last year and just all my journal entries from last year and last summer and I am so different. I have grown and changed for the better so much in the last year. It's pretty cool to know that I am making progress. Moving away from BYU has been for the best because it has forced me to leave my comfort zone and being away from all of my friends has helped me to turn to the Lord more. And I'm definitely out of the BYU bubble. So that's been a little weird but it's also good for me to get to know different kinds of people and to not judge them for being different.
6.)And lastly, it's special because I'm going to make it special! And because I'm in the cool big city that is Washington D.C. And because I have lovely friends who I'm going to dinner with and breakfast with. And I have so many awesome friends who are encouraging and help me to realize that I am amazing! (Because they tell me I am and after a while you start to believe these rumors :) ).
Yay for birthdays! Yay for progress! Hip Hip Hooray!!!
If I were to have any cupcakes for my birthday I'd choose these beautiful flower ones.

P.S. You can read about my birthday last year. It was the second blog post I ever wrote on here.

Random Facts About Me

I saw a blog post on my friend AnnMarie's blog that was a list of random facts about her. I felt like it really helped me get to know her even better and it was really fun to read. So... I've been wanting to write some fun facts about me. Because I love the subject of ME! I think it's because I'm always trying so hard to learn new things about myself and understand how many great things I really can accomplish if I set my mind on it. So, yes I do think about myself a lot. And I won't apologize for it. Because at this time in my life, I'm still struggling to learn a lot about myself and who I can eventually become and it's okay! Because I have no significant other and no children so this is the best possible time to just be thinking about myself so that when I do have other people leaning on me, I will be able to better support and love them because I will have a sure knowledge of myself. ANYWAY... Here are some fun/weird facts:

1. I can't go to sleep if my feet are hot. In fact, I prefer them to be slightly chilly.
2. I have to get up and go pee like 4 or 5 times before I fall asleep. This is not an exaggeration. I wish it were... I'm pretty sure it's all in my head but I can't fall asleep unless I do it...Good thing I currently have my own bathroom that is connected to my bedroom.
3. My favorite movie is Steel Magnolias. It reminds me of home with all the southern accents and it's a great example of the power of friendship with other women.
4. Even though humidity is so oppressive and makes you feel super super hot it actually is comforting in a way because I grew up my whole life with it. A comforting hot blanket that doesn't allow you to breathe....
5. I actually own and play with a Nintendo DS... and I'm turning 25 next week...
6. I secretly love Mexican rap music, especially Daddy Yankee and PitBull....
7. I like to dance in the shower instead of sing in the shower, however, this can be quite dangerous because showers are slippery....I live life on the edge I guess!
8. I used to be obsessed with muffins and eating muffin batter raw... Until one time on my birthday my mom let me eat a whole bowl of muffin batter. Ever since then I haven't felt the same passion for muffins.
9. I love to use ... ! and () whenever I write anything.
10. I lived in Tennessee my whole life until I went to BYU and I don't have a Southern accent anymore... But I wish I did. Even though people automatically associate a Southern accent with stupidity. This makes them stupid.
11. The person I look up to and want to emulate the most is my old Young Women's leader Kelly Blaine. And now I'm a leader in Young Women's! I better shape up!
12. One of my favorite feelings is being in a car full of people and singing at the top of my lungs. It never really matters where we go, but I just enjoy being in the moment on the ride there.
13. Number 12 is probably a huge factor but I LOVE road trips!!!!!!! Going somewhere new with people I know is very exciting! (Note the "with someone I know" otherwise it's a little scary).
14. I'm really good at spelling. I attribute that to reading a lot when I was younger and now of course... I love to read. Also I can just see it in my head and know how it's supposed to be spelled. And of course now there's spell check!
15. I think brownie batter is better than cookie dough. Blasphemy I know!
16. I am a huge romantic. I love fairy tales and beautiful art and love stories and things like that. I like to believe in things that might not necessarily be true just because they are fun to believe in.
17. I am the third child in a family of eight children. There are four girls and four boys. (I'm the oldest girl so I got to boss around my younger sisters and never wear hand me downs.)
18. I am OBSESSED with beautiful houses and interior design. I studied a lot of interior design and architecture at BYU. My favorite thing about living on Capitol Hill in D.C. are all of the beautiful old homes. I love walking with the babies and Spud every day and just looking at all the houses.
19. That being said, I can't wait to live in the country again and raise my family in a place where the nearest neighbor is a least a half a mile away.
20. One of my favorite things in life (besides food...) is laughter and being goofy and silly and just plain ole happy. You may think "duh Mary everyone loves to be happy". But I feel like I have a greater awareness and appreciation of it because I suffered severe depression for about six years.
21. I no longer suffer from severe depression!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Although I may have a bought for a day or two now and then... it's still not too bad and it reminds me to be grateful for life.
22. My favorite season is Fall. In fact my happy thoughts are always set in the fall in my mind. Weird but there it is.
23. I am one fourth Mexican. But I have my dad's skin and freckles. I actually look a lot like my dad but I have my mom's dark hair and eyes. I think it makes for a pretty combo. :) (Note-I used to get teased for my freckles and now they're in style TAKE THAT you punks!!!)
24. My full name is Mary Frances Woodall. I was named Mary after Mary the mother of Jesus. Frances is actually after my grandfather who's name was Francis (girls spell it with an 'e' and guys spell it with an 'i'). I also used to not like my middle name but I notice old lady names for girls are also in Vogue right now. Thanks mom and dad!
25. I'll just put 25 facts because I'm turning 25 next week. Here's my last fact. My oldest brother and I have the same birthday three years apart. June 2nd. Great day! (I was the best birthday present Doug ever got!)

Well, there you have it. Congrats if you made it all the way through that self-absorbed list about me. Now hopefully you know a little more about me.

Quote for the Quest

"The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen."
--- Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

I came across the above quote today and WOW! If that's true (and I believe it is) then I am beautiful! Ha! I knew it! But really, I think we have all known people like this. And I know that I have an appreciation, sensitivity, (but perhaps not a ton of understanding?) that have definitely filled me with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern towards others. And its mostly because of all the pain and trials I've been through. Especially the depression. And even though in today's society we're generally not supposed to "toot our own horns" or brag and boast about our accomplishments... by golly I WILL DO IT! Because I've been through some tough stuff at a young age. But I've come to realize everyone is going through really hard things. And that's why we can't judge others. One thing I learned from my trials is that I'm supposed to help others because of my experiences and what I've learned from them. Another quote that I love about that is from Dallin H. Oaks. "When we give thanks in all things, we see hardships and adversities in the context of the purpose of life... We are meant to learn and grow through opposition, through meeting our challenges, and through teaching others to do the same... the Lord will not only consecrate our afflictions for our gain, but He will use them to bless the lives of countless others."
We have to realize that no hard thing we go through is for naught. There is a reason the Lord allows suffering. I especially loved the talks from this past General Conference that mentioned pain and suffering and why we must go through trials. BECAUSE THAT IS THE WAY WE LEARN AND GROW! And if that makes us beautiful, then we can all be beautiful. We all already are beautiful because we are God's children.
I've also learned that most of the time (at least in my case) I wasn't suffering because I did something wrong. I wasn't being punished by God. (Believe me depression definitely feels that way!) I was hurt by my ex-husband. But I am actually really really really grateful for him. Because of him I learned that I am courageous and I will never turn away from the Lord even when my life seems like it's over. I also became such a better person because of what he put me through. So even though he tried to make me unhappy like himself (which, let's face it, I was for a long time) in the end I am happier and better off. So, thank you Tyler for helping me to be a more beautiful person!
So after going through all my trials and suffering I can no longer see someone else suffer and do nothing. I feel so much love and empathy and compassion towards others even people I don't know. And I will do my best to love and help everyone I come across. I am so grateful for the refiner's fire that have melted me down and molded me into something infinitely more beautiful.

And that's what I've been learning in my quest for beauty.
Also....

Spud the Dog

This is Spud the dog. He is our trusty guard dog. Every day it's just us four hanging out going about our business. The four of us (me, the twins, and Spud) go on our daily walks together, take naps all at the same time, laugh together, and sometimes we all cry together. Yes Spud is a sensitive dog who's not afraid to show his sensitive side and cry every once in a while.
It should be known that Spud is a spectacular dog. That is why there is a whole blog post I'm writing about him right now. Here's why he's so fabulous:
1.) He LOVES the babies! I mean really really loves them. He will "kiss" them any chance he gets. And by kiss I mean lick. Also when I'm carrying the babies up a flight of stairs one at a time, one baby will have to sit in the stroller by themselves. Spud always thinks that I've forgotten all about that twin and that I will leave them sitting down there in the garage forever. So he stays down there with them and gets all antsy and makes sure that I come back for them.
2.) He is a very popular dog. When we're on a walks sometimes he will steal the spotlight. It's funny because you can always tell the dog people vs the baby people. Some people ooh and ah all over those twinners. Others completely ignore the babies and gush over Spud. He has actually been called (and this is a direct quote) "such an elegant dog". Uh.... yeah. Super elegant, that Spud!
3.) He is the nicest dog ever and never barks or lunges at people. So I don't know what those other dogs problems are! Everywhere we go other dogs growl and bark at Spud and he never ever growls or barks at them. He loves playing with other dogs and making new friends and they just want to tear his head off! It confused me to no end until one day a fellow dog owner stopped to admire Spud (like I said he's popular) and asked me how old he was. I replied that he is 1 and a half years old. The man told me that other dogs will try to show dominance over the younger dogs and that they can tell that he's still pretty young. Makes sense.
4.) He even stays up with the babies at night! Every time Stacey gets up in the middle of the night to feed the babies, Spud is there. Even sometimes when I'm up on the third/fourth floor watching television at night Spud will come up and visit with me. He's a very loyal dog. And so elegant!!!
Below is a picture of Spud blending in with the carpet.

Can anybody? Find me.... Somebody to.... LOVE!?!?!!!

SSSSSSSSSSSSIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...................(huge exhalation of breath).... Well. Dang it. Okay, so sometimes I feel a lot of pressure the older I get, the more I need to get married. (Even though technically I beat out everyone else I knew by getting married before everyone else at age 18... but we all know how well that turned out). But at other times I feel a NEED and a DESIRE to get married. This is one of those times. The thing is, it would be super wonderful and lovey dovey and nice to have someone who loved me and cared about me. But even more than that is that I have so much freaking love inside of me and it's dying to get out and love someone else. To take care of someone. To meet all of someone else's needs. Don't get me wrong, I'm not like "oh I just want to be the little wifey who does everything for her husband and worships him and puts her needs last". That's not what I'm saying. The problem is (maybe it's not a problem?) I'm a very loving person and I need to show and express that love. I want to be a wife. I want to be the person that someone can turn to for advice, a laugh, a tender touch. I want companionship. Why oh why do I have to be so tender hearted?!?!
You would think that having an abusive and failed marriage would make me shy away from remarrying. But no. It's made me very excited and curious. Yes curious. I want to know what is it like to be married to a good man who treats you as you should be treated? What must it be like to have someone give you the respect and love you deserve? To have someone who supports you in your dreams and uplifts you instead of tearing you down? I remember when I first started hanging out with Kamila and her husband Dan and I noticed the way Dan treated her. I was very surprised. Kamila would mention offhandedly something that Dan did or said to her and I just couldn't believe that a husband would treat his wife that nicely ALL THE TIME!!! But he did and he does. And I was also impressed that his treatment of her was not conditional. It wasn't "if you behave a certain way, then I'll treat you well". I am certainly very grateful for Dan and Kamila's example of marriage. And also for the kindness Dan showed to me. It was great to have a wonderful example of how men should/can treat women.
The interesting thing is, I have felt several times this year very very strongly that I will be meeting my future husband soon. "Soon" is pretty arbitrary when it comes to spiritual promptings though... But sometimes I think it will be at the end of this year. At other times I think it will be a couple of more years before I meet him. I don't know when it will be, but I have been reassured time and time again that it WILL happen. And that he will be WONDERFUL AND AMAZING!!!!!!!!! I know he will be worth the wait. And until I meet him, I'm getting stronger and stronger in my talents, character, faith, charity, etc. I'm becoming more of who I was in the pre-existance. And I'm learning that whoever he is, he sure is gonna have one hell of a wife!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and a pretty amazing woman! (But I wish he would hurry it up!!!)

My On-Screen Crushes

Okay, this is just a fun ridiculous post right here. But I am so so so attracted to men. (I know what is wrong with me?) Anyway, I used to be into guys with longish shaggy hair who were lead singers in bands. I put up all their pictures in my locker in high school. People like the lead singer from The All-American Rejects, the lead singer from Rooney, and the lead singer from Dashboard Confessional.

My "back then" crushes

As you can see, they all pretty much looked the same. They had dark shaggy hair with blue eyes and I loved all of their music. These days however, a different kind of guy makes my heart pitter patter. As I have gotten older and experienced life, love, and heartbreak, my ideal guy has changed. Changed into a MAN!!!! I am attracted to older men now (not too old but yes older). And I love facial hair. And a man who can work hard. (Mike Rowe, anyone?) Here they are now....

My Men!!!

Okay!!!! Could you just die?!!?! He is so freaking attractive! Plus, he's a cowboy. Hello!

Mike Rowe is older but he is a hard worker and I saw him on Oprah and he cares about other people a lot. That is attractive.

Okay, Kenneth Branaugh. He is just so cute. Even if he's really old now. I'm attracted to the younger him.

I don't know if any of you have seen the movie An Education but it's about a girl who is seduced by an older man. She's like 17 and he's in his 30's or something. So, super creepy but he is SO ATTRACTIVE!!! I would have been seduced too.

I don't love Ewan as much as I used to but still cute.

And last but certainly not least. Good old Carlton Lassiter from Psych. Yes, of course Sean Spencer is super hot but I'm in love with Lassy. What is my thing for older men? I hope it's not too creepy...

Maybe I like older guys because they aren't as retarded as these young boys running around breaking girls hearts and being stupid? Maybe it's the stability? Who knows. All I know is I would love to marry me a 30 something... Which considering I'm turning 25 in a month is not that huge of an age difference. So what about you guys? Who are your on-screen crushes? Am I the only one who likes older men?