Believe the Good

Why is it that whenever someone says something nice about you, you never believe it or doubt it or you think "what a nice person you are but I'm afraid you're wrong about me." But as soon as someone says something horrible about you or even just a little mean about you, you immediately believe it and take it to be the gospel truth 100% forever? I don't know, maybe it's just me... I have an ex-husband. Did you know that? Well, I do. (And I'm sure you know because I always write about it on here...) Anyway, he used to say really unkind things to me in the most convincing manner. I believed him so deeply that even when I thought I was rid of his voice in my head I realized that his voice had become my own voice. Because I believed him. That voice in my head became my own saying that I wasn't good enough, I was going to fail so why try. That I was worthless and that I hated myself. When I used to get really depressed a lot I would sit and cry and pull at my hair in desperation and scream inside my head "I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!" One day I thought "who am I talking about?" And I realized I was talking to myself. I hated myself. People would try to cheer me up by pretending to be nice. Or saying things maybe they really though were true but how could they know how horrible I really was inside? It was a secret part of myself I didn't want people to know. I didn't want them to know that I was a monster and a truly awful person. Because that really is how I felt until a year and a half ago. It was weird how it happened. I guess it was just the right timing and a bunch of little things and events happened to culminate that exact moment when I was sitting in my living room with my dear friend Heather just talking. And all of a sudden it hit me. I had a huge revelation and total a-ha moment. I realized..... that I was a good person. And I believed it.

The reason why I'm writing about this now is because for my birthday this year I asked people to write things they liked about me or admired about me. And you know what? I believed EVERY STINKING SINGLE NICE THING that people wrote about me. And I thought, "wow I really am growing!" because now I believe the good that other people tell me about myself. My quest for beauty has really also helped me to see the beauty in myself and in others. Actually it's never been that hard for me to see the beauty in others, just in myself. So my quest for beauty has been helping me to accept my own beauty and goodness. I just want to tell anyone who may read this that you should believe the good and don't listen to the bad. Yes we all have things we need to work on but if someone is bringing you down don't listen to them.

Here are a couple of really nice things people said about me... yes I am posting them on here because it's my blog and I can do that if I want!!!!

You are so freaking amazing with the best sense of humor and the greatest love for people. You are so understanding and not judging. You're a great listener and have the best laugh ever. Wheeze laugh!!!! You are an inspiring person who knows how to overcom some tough $%@&! ;) I love you girl! In most sincerity, happy birthday :)

Happy Birthday!!! The thing I admire most about you is your strength. The things I like about you most are how relatable you are and how good you are at validating me and also how easy it is to just be with you and laugh and talk! The things I love about you most are your kindness and sincerity and spirituality and also that you are a really good friend! And by being a really good friend I mean that you possess all the qualities people look for in a true friend and are just good at being a friend. I love that you are one of my best friends and that we are going to be friends forever, and I feel proud that I get to call you my friend. Really, I do. Love you Mary!

Now the things i love about you:
1. How much you really care
2. The spirit you have
3. The courage you have
But most of all.... I lovest you big sister, you weirdo! :)

Mary had a little plan, to move away and grow.
But every where that Mary went our hearts were sure to go.
They followed her onto a plane, through some states and on the train,
They follow her all the way, singing Happy Birthda-AY!!! (I love this poem my friend wrote...)

I admire how you are continuously striving to improve your life in all aspects. I also admire how observant you are. You are mindful of others needs and feelings. You will be an amazing mother when the time comes and I feel that time will be soon enough. You will be better prepared as a mother than many of us were...I love the woman you have become...Happy Birthday May-May (this one's from my mom!)

You have a pretty voice both singing and speaking. I remember admiring it in our choir class. Your voice has a gentle tone that is matched with gentle words.

‎1. You genuinely care about other people, you don't need fake it, I really feel like you mean it. 2. You're eyes are gorgeous Mary! It's like "Root Beer" brown, remember? :) HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Mary!! You are so FUNNY that's what I like about you! And I love your laugh. You're art is pretty sweet too. And you have so much faaaiiiith. Last but not least, I'm gonna jump on the genuine bandwagon-i love how you just say what you think and feel. It's very refreshing and it's very you. Bottom-line-you're AWESOME. happy birthday!

Okay that wasn't even all of them! But I really appreciated everything everyone had to say. I feel so blessed, capable, and loved after reading all of these.
And to end with a little note to myself: