An advocate

This past Saturday I attended a couple of workshops my Relief Society put together for us. There were three different options: one about emotional health, one about being single and finding joy in the journey, and one about addiction. As soon as they announced the three different options everyone started laughing and joking about how they were going to go to the addiction class because they were addicted to porn. When my friends stopped laughing about it they asked me which class I was going to, assuming that I would only have two options instead of three. I quietly told them I was going to the addiction class and left. I didn't miss the looks they exchanged. Then when I got to the class which was taught by a senior missionary couple, they immediately said, "well we know none of you have a problem with an addiction and you're probably here because you're worried about guys you are dating who are addicted to porn". (I should also note there was a grand total of four girls there including me. And one of them was just there to introduce the couple). I just sat there feeling a little blindsided and ashamed. I was thinking, but what if you're here because you have an addiction and you're trying your darnedest to overcome it?! The class was focused on how you could help others who have an addiction. Afterwards, they asked if there were any questions. I raised my hand and asked, "how can we make it easier for people to talk and be more open about their addictions, when in an appropriate setting?" They didn't really have an answer. So that's still my question. Why can't we be more supportive of each others problems in the church without it being so taboo?

Also last night we had a nutritionist come and speak to us for FHE. They asked us to submit questions about three weeks ago and in my mind, I thought it was only going to be our FHE group. It was actually combined with all of the FHE groups so there were several people there. I submitted two different questions and I stupidly and anonymously submitted the question, "How can I better control my binge eating?" As soon as that question came up in the powerpoint, everyone started laughing and mocking it. I heard someone behind me say, "just don't do it, duh". People were giving joke examples where they had binged (when really they were kidding and hadn't). I guess I understand that people's first response is to joke about uncomfortable stuff like this, but I still found myself sliding lower and lower in my seat.

I'm really trying to better myself and GET HELP in dealing with my issues with food. But when I try to do that, in our church no less (which should be a safe setting), I'm met with scorn, joking, and people who are seemingly blind to the fact that anyone could suffer from an addiction other than porn. And what about all those people who are addicted to porn? We just make fun of them?

However, I am happy to report that I was sitting by two awesome people both times. And they happen to be dating each other. My friend that I've mentioned on this blog before who has a pornography addiction who was the one who inspired me to not be ashamed and to come clean about my addiction and his awesome girlfriend. And both times, they both raised their hand and said what I wanted to say. They both mentioned that we should all be more aware of the reality that there are people in our church even in attendance who have a problem with what we were discussing. I am proud to have two such brave and loving people as my friends who were not afraid to say something.

More and more, and especially after these two recent incidences, I have a strong desire and drive to become an advocate for people who are suffering in silence in the church because they are ashamed. I want to let people know that it's okay that they have these problems. It's normal! It's just not something that is openly talked about. I want people to be able to tell their stories and be met with love and acceptance, because I know that's what has helped me to get rid of a lot of shame and take ownership of my problem. And it's given me courage and power. If people could talk about those dark things they are hiding, they could overcome those problems with the help of others.

I so want to be someone who can speak out and help others (especially Young Women) with these different issues. I mean I already have experience in dealing with divorce, abuse, depression, addiction, eating disorder, self-worth, etc. I have been told multiple times, especially recently in priesthood blessings that I will be able to help many people because of what I've been through. I really want to help others who are having these issues. I know I'm still trying to overcome some of these issues myself, but I hope someday I can be an advocate for this.