I make the Choice

Okay so confession time... I guess this isn't much of a confession but whatever. I've been feeling depressed the past few weeks. And it's always a little scary when that happens because then I remember what it was like when I was depressed every hour of every day for YEARS. And I get worried that it's going to get that bad again. I sometimes feel extra anxious/depressed when I'm PMSing but that's not the problem this time. So I was feeling worried and down. And the bad thing is, I let it start to affect how I was making decisions.

So I made a few bad decisions (not bingeing or really food-related don't worry but still not the decisions I would usually make). Then I let that get me down even more. One of the worst things about depression is that you get down in this dark pit and it's almost impossible to climb back out by yourself.

But the good thing is... I realized that this depression I've been feeling is NOTHING compared to what I used to feel. Absolutely nothing. I mean, I've been down right joyous compared to the awful, all-encompassing, soul-sucking clinical depression that I went through before. And even though it's a little more difficult than usual, I still have the ability to make certain choices and to pull myself out of the pit.

So yesterday there were a few things that I didn't want to do and didn't feel like I could deal with. I wanted to just ignore them and deal with the consequences later. That's what I did when I was depressed before. (In fact that's what I did on Saturday and it left me feeling really awful.) I would ignore everything and do nothing. And the consequences that came from that were really bad. (Especially when you're in college and you have a job...) So I realized that I still have a choice. The depression isn't to the point where I can't pull myself out of it. I decided to go and deal with those things I didn't want to deal with. And they weren't so bad. And I felt so much better afterwards. If I hadn't of dealt with them then I know I would have ended up feeling even more depressed and down on myself.

And then my friend Emily called and we went on a walk and I was able to share with her how I've been feeling lately. And it just felt good to tell someone. I just felt like, yeah life really isn't so bad! And then I was able to have a really fun night having a picnic on the National Mall with my friends. And I received some encouraging texts from some lovely ladies. And I decided that I was going to have a good day today. Because I still have the ability to choose to pull myself out of the pit. So I did.