Everyone has Choices

Lately I've been kind of sad because some people very close to me are going through really hard times in their lives right now. I've been through what they've been through and that's why it hurts me knowing they have to suffer through that. I wish they didn't have to go through this pain but at the same time I know that I am grateful that I did and what I learned from it. It almost hurts more when it's happening to someone I love, rather than myself. Dang... and I can't even imagine what it's going to be like when I have kids and they have to go through really hard things. 

But there are some trials and some terrible, unspeakable things that people have to go through. And I've just been thinking about these tragedies and these horrible things that happen to innocent people. Children who have to go out in this very hard world and put on a brave face so no one knows anything is wrong, and then come home to a place that is nothing like a home. A place where they are abused and beaten down in every sense of the word. 

I've just been trying to reconcile this in my mind. I've been praying for understanding why people have to go through such awful things. It's just not fair, it's just not right. Why do I have the comfortable life I have and the Gospel and a good family and they don't? What do they have?

And then the answer came to me. "Everyone does have choices." Everyone has a choice to make. Even though awful things happen to people that they have no control over, they still have some type of choice. A choice to keep going. A choice to move on. A choice to ask for help. A choice to change. A choice to be happy. A choice to do something different. 

As I look back on the hardest times of my life and my lowest of lows, I think about the choices that I made at those very critical moments. I am happy to say I chose well and I am proud of the choices I've made. And I know Heavenly Father is proud of those choices as well. I know because that exact phrase was used in several priesthood blessings I've received. "Heavenly Father is proud of the choices you have made that have brought you to where you are now". 

I pray that I will always be able to make the choices that will lead me back to Heavenly Father and everlasting joy. 

A Freer Sky

"How much larger your life would be if [you] could become smaller in it. . . . You would begin to be interested in [others]. You would break out of this tiny . . . theatre in which your own little plot is always being played, and you would find yourself under a freer sky, in a street full of splendid strangers" (G.K. Chesterton).

This quote is my current goal. I didn't know how to express what I was feeling until I read this. But somehow I knew it was what I needed to do. I'm so glad I saw this quote today. I have been feeling stifled by myself, by my own tiny theatre as it were. I want a freer sky. 

So... I think I have PTSD when it comes to sealings in the temple. Ha. But seriously. I went to the temple last night with a couple of friends and we were just going to do initiatories but they were full so they asked us if we wanted to do sealings instead. Previously I had a bad experience doing sealings but I thought well that already happened so I'm probably over it now. Nope. I was proxy for the daughter and that was great but as soon as I knelt down to be proxy for the wife. I started freaking out inside. And I was having a physical reaction to the situation. I felt like I couldn't breathe and I felt anger and intense dislike towards the guy who was proxy for the husband. I didn't even know him! And it took everything I had just to get the word yes out. Inside my head I was screaming no no no!

We were there for two hours doing sealings because they had a lot of names that they really needed to get done and we didn't want to be rude and leave. I almost got up and walked out a few times but kept telling myself to just keep going for the sake of the people who have been waiting since the 1600's. And we were FINALLY done and I thought phewsh I did it. And then the sealer started talking about being sealed to your spouse and how sad it is when there is a temple divorce and how serious it is when someone breaks those covenants and of course I lost it. I started bawling. And you know guys, they just keep going and pretend like you're not even crying. It was so awkward! I walked out and I was really losing it and I felt so embarrassed because I couldn't stop sobbing.

I left the temple feeling even worse then when I went in and usually I look forward to the temple because I leave feeling so full of power and peace. Not this time. I'm struggling to understand what happened and why. It made me feel like maybe it's my fault that I was upset and maybe I didn't prepare well enough. Maybe I did something wrong to not have the feeling of peace and the spirit with me? I don't know. But I'm praying to understand. I am glad that I at least did something for those people that they couldn't do for themselves. But no more sealings for me. Not until it's my own.

Little Things that have Meant the Most

Falling asleep on my guy friend's couch. My roomie fell asleep on his other couch. They kind of had a thing going for each other at the time and I sneaked a peak as he covered her up with a blanket. I felt a sadness knowing that no guy would care enough to do that for me. (So dumb, but I really felt sad about it). And a minute later, he came back and covered ME with a blanket too! I don't think he'll ever know how much it meant to me that he treated me with the same respect and kindness as he treated my roommate, even though he wasn't interested in dating me.

Casually mentioning to a friend that I was sad that I had to miss out on my favorite flavor at Dairy Godmother because I was busy that night; and the flavor doesn't come around often. She bought me a WHOLE PINT! And brought it to my house in a cooler. Seriously the nicest thing ever.

The time when me and my "summer time gang" who did every thing together that summer were going to go to karaoke. I found out that I had to visit teach at the time they were leaving. I did not want to be left behind and Alyss offered to miss out on the fun and stay behind to hang out with me. Seriously?! I never had a friend offer to do something like that for me and it meant sooo much to me. I had been left out and behind in the dust by several "friends" before, and just for her to offer that really touched me. 

Playing board games, card games, and Ticket to Ride and Killer Bunnies with my brother Daniel at least twice a week when we were both at BYU. I totally look up to my brother Daniel (what younger sister doesn't love their big brother?) He would always drive me places in Provo because I didn't have a car and he would buy me groceries when I couldn't afford them and tell me not to pay him back. One time in particular he randomly came over with some food for me and took me on a ride up the canyon on his scooter. We picked out which houses we wanted to live in as we drove past. That is one of my favorite memories and I'm sure he doesn't even remember, but it is something I cherish.

There was a period of time where I received notes, cards, flowers, cookies, baked goods all delivered on my doorstep. Most of the notes were anonymous, some were from friends telling me how much they cared about me and how much they looked up to me. These were my darkest years and at the time, I didn't understand why I kept getting all of these little treats. I thought it was awesome, it made me feel really good, but it wasn't until a couple of years later that I realized the Lord was prompting these people to help me. And it really is the little card or note or treat that makes your whole day. 

The night that my ex-husband said he wanted a divorce I didn't call my mother. I couldn't call her because I hadn't really been talking to her (my ex pretty much cut me off from all friends and family). But earlier that day I was talking to my old Young Women's leader Kelly. She called out of the blue and asked how I REALLY was doing and I confessed to her some of the things that were going on. She told me it was an abusive situation, which had never occurred to me before. So when that same night my husband told me it was over and he was leaving me, I called Kelly. She didn't even hesitate. She had three little children and her husband was at work but she packed up her kids and drove 2 hours to come pick me up. I spent the night with her but my husband wanted to meet up one last time the next day. I didn't bring anything with me, I was wearing my sweats and a t-shirt. She wanted me to look my best so she took me out to buy some new clothes. If I didn't have her on that night, I would have been in even worse shape than I already was. She was and is an angel on earth. I love her and respect her so much. 

February 4th you are not my favorite

I don't think I'll ever like February 4th. It's been a long time since February 4th, 2005 and I am okay; thriving in fact. And yet, I still don't like this day. It's just hard because I can't help but reflect on that day when I, an 18 year old girl, was so happy. So blissfully unaware, still so child-like and trusting. So excited for what lay ahead of me. So ready to share an eternity with someone. I really am happy and okay with everything that's happened in the past. I just think that part of me will always be a little bit sad about everything that happened. I've never lost a very close loved one to death, so I don't know exactly how that feels. Divorce is when a marriage dies and part of me died during those difficult years as well. But the parts of me that died were able to be reborn into something--someone: better and stronger, more compassionate and courageous.

Yesterday was kind of a hard day for me. I mean really, I thought I was done with crying uncontrollably at church. Ha. And then I was just playing a primary hymn at home and I started sobbing so hard. For no reason. It's not that I'm really sad, I think my body just always goes through this every February. And the winter weather this time of year doesn't help. Why couldn't the worst month of my life have been in the summer?

But I think angels are with me today. As I was walking to work I was feeling all weepy again but then I felt something inside of me that gave me courage, peace, and happiness. It made me smile and walk with a pep in my step. I prayed last night that I would be able to have a better than usual day today. I think Heavenly Father is aware of me and He is blessing me with peace and happiness today. And I really do think angels are with me. :)

Chills of Happiness

It's getting closer and closer to the end of January already! But as I reflected on what my year was like in 2012, I came to some important realizations. For one thing, it was one of the best years I've had in a LONG time. As I was pondering why that would be I realized it was because of some of the following things:

1.) Friends (and family).
2.) The temple (and prayer).
3.) Being grateful.
4.) Trying and accomplishing very hard things. (And not always being successful the first time, the most important thing is to try and keep trying!)
5.) Loving myself.
6.) Acting and not being acted upon.

I made so many wonderful friends this year, quite a few of whom I hope to be lifelong friends with. At the beginning of the year in 2012 I received a priesthood blessing when I was sick that said that I would be "welcomed wherever I went" and that I would be able to form some lifelong friendships in my new ward. That was such a comfort to me since I didn't know anyone in my new ward! (Except for my friend Mark, he was the one who gave me the blessing). I had such amazing friends at BYU, I honestly couldn't fathom making too many new friends that were what I considered to be eternal friends. But I have and I get the feeling I will continue to have wonderful friendships no matter where I am in the world.

This year I decided to start attending the temple once a week. I wanted to because I felt like I didn't love going to the temple and I decided to start going until I did. It has really been a game changer in my life! Wow! More people should go!!!! But it's one of those things that you have to be very purposeful about because it is more than easy to not go. There is ALWAYS something that comes up or some excuse that you could make not to go. But the hard things in life are SIGNIFICANTLY easier to bear when you go. It's like you are given added strength and peace. I picture myself leaving the temple with extra "super powers". :)

This year I also noticed that I was just plain grateful. It didn't start out as a conscious decision to try to be more grateful, it's just something that I kept noticing again and again. I was just SO GRATEFUL for my plain  ordinary day to day life. And as I prayed to God in gratitude, I almost felt like he gave me the added gift of feeling even more grateful. What an awesome cycle! I truly am grateful for my life because I am healthy, I do not have depression, I love myself, and I have wonderful friends who love me. I am a hyper-aware person and on a lot of days I will just get chills of happiness. That's how I would describe it. Just when I'm sitting there at work and thinking "I'm grateful for my life right in this very moment" and then it will happen, I will get a chill of happiness that runs through my whole body. I am so grateful for the very hard and dark years that I went through so I can now appreciate the regular and ordinary everyday.

Doing things that I've never done before is pretty intimidating and riddles me with anxiety. The unknown can cause me to be short of breath from panicking. But when I feel a prompting of something I should do (even if I have to have that prompting two or three times...) I will always follow through...eventually. I have to work up to it but I will do it. I felt prompted to be healthier (actually I was told very plainly in a blessing) and to start running. It terrified me. But I am now a fledgling runner who will run my first 5k this year. Running was/is hard but it has taught me so so much; many things that have nothing to do with health.

So by far the biggest and most wonderful thing that happened this year was that I finally starting loving myself. Really and truly loving myself. I mean, that's a really big deal in case you were wondering. :) And it was only possible through the atonement of Jesus Christ. I honestly could not have done it alone. I had no idea how to even make it happen except to pour my heart out in earnest prayer over and over. It became something that I completely desired and was willing to do whatever I had to do to obtain that desire. And when it finally happened, I almost couldn't believe that it really happened the way that it did. But.. it did. And it is an experience I will never forget. It happened in the temple and was so special and sacred. I will always cherish that memory and feeling.

The last fun change for this past year was that instead of waiting for the "some day I'll", I started just doing things. Living my life, doing things that made me a little anxious. Putting myself out there more. Going on a lot more adventures. In the past my anxiety made it really hard to do anything except stay home where it was safe and comfortable. I wrote out a list of all the fun places I've visited in 2012 and the list was three pages long! I made a new list for 2013 and I am planning on checking off a lot of great new experiences. When I went home for Christmas, my old Young Women's adviser and mentor mentioned that (from what she could see on Facebook) that it really looked like I was living my life and having fun and just being happy. I was astounded that she could see all that from Facebook but I was grateful she validated the way I already felt. I'm glad that others can see my progress and change too and that I seem happier and more full of life.

So here's to 2013. I have a feeling it's going to be even better than last year!!!!

P.S. Sometime soon I'm going to do a post of a bunch of pictures from my travels and adventures and a whole lotta me (cuz I'm awesome!!!).

Walk Away

"If someone is not treating you with love and respect, it is a gift if they walk away from you. If that person doesn't walk away, you will surely endure many years of suffering with him or her. Walking away may hurt for a while, but your heart will eventually heal. Then you can choose what you really want. You will find that you don't need to trust others as much as you need to trust yourself to make the right choices."

I read this paragraph today in the book I'm currently reading. Love it. So true. The end.