Walk Away

"If someone is not treating you with love and respect, it is a gift if they walk away from you. If that person doesn't walk away, you will surely endure many years of suffering with him or her. Walking away may hurt for a while, but your heart will eventually heal. Then you can choose what you really want. You will find that you don't need to trust others as much as you need to trust yourself to make the right choices."

I read this paragraph today in the book I'm currently reading. Love it. So true. The end. 

I love to see the temple, I'm going there TODAY!

Sorry I haven't blogged in a while. There was a bunch of stuff going on in my head. Weird stuff. Stuff that was not particularly pleasant, but a good learning experience. I feel like so much has been happening with me that I don't know what to write about. I wasn't feeling very inspired with what to write for a while either, but I finally figured out what I should write about: How attending the temple can help you change your life.

Well, that's a big duh. But something that I've experienced, particularly lately as I've tried to attend the temple once a week, is that Satan will do everything he can to keep you away from the temple. It seems like such a small thing like looking to the brass serpent to be healed. But maybe because it's such an easy thing (to attend the temple) we make easy and quick excuses not to go. "Oh I'm tired I'll probably just fall asleep in the session. Oh I had a hard day at work today. Oh I don't have a car and I don't want to take the metro during rush  hour. I forgot to pack a dinner and I'm going to be hungry the whole time. My skirt zipper broke and my underwear is showing (okay that really happened and I still went!). Or, hmm maybe I'll just go next week. Or I think I'm coming down with a cold. I'd rather go home and watch America's Next Top Model. The excuses are pretty much endless.

Whenever I notice/realize that Satan is trying to keep me from doing something, I realize how important it must really be. And how much good will come from it because he's trying to keep it from happening. And it really is the little things that build up slowly until suddenly you're unsure how you got where you are. Putting off going to the temple until next week and then next month and then suddenly you haven't been for months!! It seems like a little thing at the time, but it's the little things we consistently do each day that make us who we are.

But once you get to the temple.... IT'S SO WORTH IT!!!! And then you just want to keep going again and again. You leave feeling empowered and full of strength. Feeling like you can take on the world and that anything is possible with God's help. I leave feeling so peaceful and full of hope for the future and grateful for the present. I'm so glad that I'm at a place in my life right now where I'm not terribly busy, I have no husband or children to take care of. I have no excuse NOT to go to the temple once a week.

I find that when I attend the temple, loving others is easier. Choosing not to be offended is easier. Having a smile on my face and joy in my heart comes easily. I feel much lighter (because I have the spirit with me). Life just doesn't seem as daunting or even mundane. Choosing to do the right thing seems more accessible and temptations are less attractive.

There are so many changes I want to make in my life and some healing that I still need to go through. And it's hard work trying to accept and apply the atonement in your life sometimes. Change is hard. But attending the temple will help accelerate that change. That's what I want so much. I'm on the fast track to change and growth because I've made the commitment to be PURPOSEFUL in my worship and temple attendance.

This is what I Strive For

This picture right here encapsulates what I want to be in my life. I think anyone living the gospel standards in today's world HAS to be brave. And we all need to be kind to each other (aka CHARITY!). A little kindness goes a long way. I want to be brave and I want to be kind. Just a little thought for this rainy Friday.

Quest Fulfilled...well at least mostly filled!

I started this whole Quest for Beauty because I did not feel beautiful and I knew it was up to me to try and change how I felt about myself. Growing up, I never felt beautiful. Whenever someone would comment on how pretty I was I just felt really confused as to why they would even say that. I felt like it was kind of rude for them to lie to my face like that. As for the old women who would say how pretty I was... I just thought they were delusional old ladies who didn't know any better and well bless their hearts. When my ex-husband told me I was the prettiest girl he had ever dated, I thought he was just saying that to be nice. I had seen pictures of his most recent ex-girlfriend and she was skinnier than me; therefore she was prettier.

One thing I've learned on my quest for beauty is that everyone, no matter what they look like can be beautiful. No really and truly!!! Everyone. Because beauty lights you up from the inside and shines out of your eyes and through your smile and your shining aura. There are some people that on first meeting them I didn't think they were particularly beautiful to look at. But once I got to know them and their hearts I felt like they were so gorgeous and beautiful. There are the other people who are technically beautiful on the outside who just strive to make you feel as small as they can. They are not really beautiful.

Personally, on my quest I've been trying to be both. Beautiful on the outside and a beautiful shining light and spirit. And lately, I am pleased to report that I have been feeling beautiful. No, really and truly! When I look in the mirror, I don't lie to myself. I look into my eyes and truly think that I am beautiful. Yes, I would like to lose A LOT more weight but I know that alone wouldn't be enough to convince myself that I am beautiful. It's what comes from within that can help you to feel like you're beautiful on the outside too. It's so cliche but as I've said on this blog before... I've found that most cliches are true.

Maybe it's because I've been feeling beautiful and that's been apparent to those around me because I've had a few strangers comment on how pretty I am lately. Man it feels good for me to hear that. (Especially because now I'm starting to believe them!) Maybe I should start telling people more that I think they're lovely, even if it's a stranger on the metro. A girl I didn't know at church told me that I look just like a certain movie star and that she thought I was so pretty (trust me I don't look anything like that movie star but it was a nice compliment). My friend overheard the cashier at Whole Foods told his co-worker, "man that girl was really pretty" referring to me.

Anyway, I think the key to the quest for beauty has been to believe. Believe that you are beautiful and you will appear to be beautiful to everyone else too. (Well, not everyone haters gon' hate!)

How have I come to believe that I'm beautiful? I think for me, it's been a combination of things but most recently it's been from trying to do hard things and being successful. Not 100% successful all the time, but trying and persisting anyway. I feel beautiful because I've been doing what the Lord has asked of me, even though it feels impossible at times and it's really hard in the moment. Oh and I've been able to start loving myself too. Wonder of wonder, miracle of miracles! None of this is every day all the time no matter what... yet. But I'll get there.

I've been praying and trying so hard to feel like I'm beautiful and to love myself and as I've done the things the Lord has prompted me to do (even things that I felt like had absolutely no connection), I've been able to feel beautiful and feel love for myself. Something I'm sure I couldn't have done alone. It's amazing how the Lord really does make up for those things you can't do alone, after all you've done and put in all the effort you can.

“There is no point treating a depressed person as though she were just feeling sad, saying, 'There now, hang on, you'll get over it.' Sadness is more or less like a head cold- with patience, it passes. Depression is like cancer.” 
― Barbara Kingsolver, The Bean Trees

I had a good friend of mine tell me that she's not sure if she could ever marry the boy she's dating right now. Because he once had depression. He no longer has depression, he is a really wonderful guy. She was worried that it would make their marriage harder than it needed to be. I will be honest with you, it made me really sad. It never really occurred to me before that someone wouldn't want to marry me because I had depression in my past. That someone wouldn't want to marry me because I was divorced and overweight... yes that has occurred to me but severe depression isn't something I suffer from anymore.

It (depression) has taught me so much. I am proud to have been through hell on earth and made it out alive. Having depression has made me really feel and cherish the joys of everyday life. Life without depression is SO WONDERFUL and so amazing. I really like noticing the everyday beauties of life and I feel like it's made me a more grateful and happy person. Depression made me a BETTER PERSON. I can honestly say that suffering from clinical depression for years was way harder than being in an abusive marriage and having my husband leave me. The depression was much much more of a trial (although I know it was brought on by the previous two things).

Imagine the hardest thing that has ever happened to you. How did you feel? Were you sobbing? Did you feel confused or angry at why it was happening to you? Did you wonder if it was your fault that it happened? Were you full of fear and did you feel completely alone? Imagine feeling that way every day, all the time FOR YEARS. That's what depression was like for me. It is serious, it is real. You can't just pray your way out of it or make up your mind to be happy or change your "attitude". But then you come out of it and you are a different person. Depression is very much like the refiner's fire because it really feels that painful. You are put through fire and you emerge a different much better person who is closer to God. And I think it's a wonderful thing. I think those who have experienced this depression and lived through it and became a better person, are the people you should actually be looking for to marry. People who can make it through the hardest times, because marriage is going to be hard. Because life is hard. Choose someone who will choose to be happy in spite of it all.

It makes me sad to know that because people don't really understand depression, they sometimes judge unfairly. Not just depression either; divorce, addiction, abuse. I just want to educate people about it. Especially people in our church.

"How Does She Knoooow You Love Her?!" (Name that movie!)

If I've done any (or maybe all?) of the following things with/for you, that's how you know I love you.

Sharing sweet treats. :)
Giving special nicknames.
Talking about important things and really silly random things too.
Asking for advice.
Giving lots of hugs.
Spending time doing nothing together.
Writing little notes.
Confiding my fears and hopes for the future.
Laughing and singing and dancing!

If I don't love someone, they get none of that stuff. Haha! To the ones I love, thanks for loving me too!

Trust

There's been one thought pulsating in my head ever since my fast yesterday. Trust. Trust. Trust. I've been hearing it in time with the beating of my heart. Trust. Trust. Trust.

Trust. Well turns out, that's not so easy for someone with abandonment issues. But I'm going to try. Try. Try. Try.

Try to Trust.